WTF Is Going On With The Golden State Warriors?

Something is fishy in Oakland, and it's not the smell off the Bay.

Last night Warriors head coach/crazy old coot Don Nelson sat regular starters Stephen Jackson, Corey Maggette and Andris Biedrins, citing various injuries.

One problem: all three players were healthy enough to play on Wednesday.

Last night's starting lineup vs. the Pistons looked like this:

G Jamal Crawford
G Marco Belinelli
F Anthony Randolph
F Rob Kurz
C Ronny Turiaf

Gross. Almost as gross as that picture.

Anyway, the Warriors had just three dudes available off the bench (C.J. Watson, Anthony Morrow, and Jermareo Davidson). Not surprisingly, Detroit beat them easily. Sure the Pistons are hot right now, but it's not like they were facing the best possible lineup that G-State could have put out there.

Now there's controversy surrounding Crawford, arguably the only legitimate Friday starter. Crawford was apparently told by Nelson that if he doesn't opt out of his contract at the end of the year, that he would be traded.

Nelson also told Crawford that he would be benched for a few games in order to keep his statistics high.

Um, thanks?

When you add in that Monta Ellis has basically given up on the team and didn't even show up for the team photo, it makes for a pretty rotten team environment.

Nelson's defense is that he's trying to give the young guys a chance to play, but it's hard to believe him given what's been coming out in the press.

Aren't we getting to the point where the league has to step in and investigate this?

The NBA might be known for poorly-disguised tank jobs better than any other league, but this is ridiculous.

And what kind of player is Nelson looking for? There's no question he's put out more starting lineups than any other NBA coach this season. He's also used and disposed of three different starting point guards, and even deployed Stephen Jackson as a point-forward.

Perhaps he's searching for...the Ulllllllltimate Warrior!

*cue the entrance music*

The Pantheon of Raptors With Hilarious Names...

...just got a new addition. The Raptors have signed British native Pops Mensah-Bonsu to a contract for the rest of the season.

The question you should be asking yourselves is not "Where does this dude fit in to the Raptors' plans?", but "Where does this dude's name fit into The Pantheon of Raptors With Hilarious Names?"

Let's find out...

15) Maceo Baston - It just screams "total scrub". What's in a name? In Baston's case, everything.

14) Kornel David - Sounds like the leader of a cult.

13) Acie Earl - Would have fit in nicely on the Flint Tropics.

12) Zendon Hamilton - This dude failed to reach the minimum score on the SAT nine times. NINE times! To be fair, no rocket scientists are ever named "Zendon".

11) Voshon Lenard - Probably the only man in the history of the universe to be named "Voshon". Seriously, Google that shit.

10) Lindsey Hunter/Tracy McGrady/Tracy Murray/Sharone Wright/Andrea Bargnani - The Pantheon's Wing for Dudes with Girls' Names.

9) Popeye Jones - Dude looked like an alien. Must have been all the spinach.

8) and 7) Pops Mensah-Bonsu/Pape Sow - The Raptors have the market cornered on guys with Pop in their name.

6) Mamadou N'Diaye - 3 Pops and a Mama. We're a goddamn 1960s folk group!

5) Roko Ukić/Uroš Slokar/Primož Brežeć/Rasho Nesterovič/Alex Radojević/Žan Tabak - That's a lot of funny-looking accents!

4) Jamario Moon - A cross between a Harlem Globetrotter and a Nintendo character.

3) Mengke Bateer - The only Chinese-born player in Raptor history. His name in Mongolian means "Eternal Hero." In English, it means the exact opposite.

2) Muggsy Bogues - A name with serious mob potential. Say hello to my little friend, indeed.

Aaaaaand number 1...

Haywoode Workman - The Haywoode Jablome jokes are classic. And he went to Oral Roberts! It writes itself.

Special mention goes to Patrick O'Bryant for having the most Irish sounding name for a 7-foot black guy.

Paging Hank Scorpio

Homer : Aww...the Denver Broncos?!?
Marge : I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer : Yeah, yeah.
Marge : Well, explain to me why it isn't.
Homer : You just don't understand football, Marge.

***

When the dictionary people get around to editing the entry of "tumultuous", they're gonna need to put "The Denver Broncos' 2009 offseason" as an alternate definition.

Let's go on a little journey, shall we?

First, they had a complete coaching overhaul for the first time since Gangsta's Paradise was a #1 hit. A bit surprising, but you could argue that it was time for a change.

Then new coach Josh McDaniels started rebuilding one of the worst defensive units in the league, adding Brian Dawkins, Renaldo Hill and Andre' Goodman. So far, so good.

McDaniels also channeled his inner Shanahan by signing a couple of not-so-great running backs in Correll Buckhalter and J.J. Arrington. Given the "revolving door leading to the infirmary room" situation that was the Denver running game in 2008, probably not a bad plan. You gotta believe that the new coach won't treat his tailbacks like James Bond treats women (ie. like things) and that one guy will emerge as the feature back come Week 1.

OK, so we're good, right? Except for one problem. Okay, two problems.

One, you totally pissed off your starting QB.

Apparently McDaniels, being an ex-Patriot (expatriate?), wanted to implement his offensive system, and so he decided to go after his system quarterback, one Matt Cassel.

And so in the most publicly made quarterback news this side of Brett Favre, Denver tried to ship Jay Cutler to Tampa Bay in a three-way deal that would have brought Cassel to the Mile High City. They even thought about trading Cutler to (gasp!) the Detroit Lions (!) for draft picks.

Cutler, being kind of an emo kid, took the news badly. He's not speaking to the team, and you really can't blame him. Dude had a Pro Bowl year while dealing with diabetes, and they want to ditch you for a dude who knows the playbook? That's cold blooded.

The second issue? Oh yeah, your star wide receiver who said he'd never get in trouble again...got in trouble again.

After getting his 2008 suspension reduced from three games to one with the explicit instructions that he turn his life around and stay out of hot water, Brandon Marshall was arrested for disorderly conduct early Sunday morning, after allegedly getting into a tiff with his fiancé. Good times!

The charges were dropped today, but the NFL doesn't need convictions to suspend a player (which sounds a little Guantanamo Bay to me, but whatever) so it's possible that Marshall will miss a significant portion of the 2009 season.

Enjoy your first season as an NFL head coach, Josh! College football awaits!

The Pittsburgh Pirates Will Apparently Make The World Series

...because Eric Hinske is on the team, and Hinske has been to the last two World Series.

This story made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Can Hinske bring his magic to young Pirates?

By "magic", do you mean his .250 AVG and 15 HR a year?

Check out some of the lines in this Hinske puff piece:

"Hinske has become a human good-luck charm."

"Rays manager Joe Maddon has said Hinske’s calming influence and advice were crucial to [Evan] Longoria’s sudden impact."

"Eric gives us a guy who can talk about what it’s like to play on a winner, what it takes to prepare to be a winner. We can’t depend solely on him, but he can be important to us."

"Good clubs have veterans such as Hinske, who know when is the right time to whisper encouragement in a tough time or get on a teammate for a bone-headed play."

"Hinske was the club’s biggest offseason player acquisition."

This is Eric Fucking Hinske we're talking about here! This is the guy who made the final out of the 2008 Series. This is the guy who has been absolute garbage since his Rookie of the Year campaign with the Jays.

And all of a sudden he's some fucking guru?

Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

No wonder the Pirates' franchise is a mess: their talent gauge is busted.

The A-Rod Steroid Scandal Finally Hits Home

From the New York Daily News:

"In addition to A-Rod, Presinal has worked with some of the game's biggest stars: Juan Gonzalez, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, Vladimir Guerrero, Bartolo Colon, Miguel Tejada, Adrian Beltre, Moises Alou, Jose Guillen, Ervin Santana, Ruben Sierra, Francisco Cordero, Jose Mesa and Juan Guzman, among others."

The Jheri Curl was on steroids?!? My life no longer makes sense.

Mon Dieu!

Huge Off-Ice Story Expected To Break Friday Morning

...en francais

Oh Shaq, You So Crazy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hNtnfJYiA

Nats Get 'Er Dunn

The Washington Nationals finally pulled the trigger (or the other side finally surrendered) and signed slugger Adam Dunn to a two-year deal reportedly worth $20 million.

Dunn fills a huge hole in the Nats lineup, which actually doesn't look too bad now, with the addition of Josh Willingham and the possible emergence of Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes.

It's no secret to those who know me or used to read my now-defunct blog on TheScore.com (back when baseball was at least a blip on our radar) that I have a soft spot for The Big Donkey.

I have his Cincinnati Reds jersey. I would have gone into cardiac arrest if the Jays had signed him (thanks for fucking that up, J.P.) and he's one of my keepers in my upcoming fantasy baseball league.

I wrote a piece suggesting we should all live our lives the way Adam Dunn plays baseball; you either hit a home run, you strike out, or you take a walk.

I even went so far as to start the Church of Adam Dunn (Members to date: 2; me, and Nats GM Jim Bowden)

Dunn has his critics, but the Nats clearly needed some left-handed power in their lineup, and he will provide that in spades.

Plus Nationals Park is much more favourable to hitters than RFK was, so there's no indication that Dunn's numbers will drop off at all.

I'll go ahead and pencil in another 40/100 season for Dunn on the as-yet-to-be-named 2009 fantasy team (I'm leaning towards The Spoljarichaholics).

And in other news, apparently Robbie Alomar has AIDS. All fans of Khaki Snack should probably urge Dave Messer to go get tested. (inside joke)

***BREAKING NEWS*** The Jays just signed Kevin Millar. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Jays Have Crazy Bush

Apparently the Jays couldn't go too long without a little Bush in their lives.

They've acquired shortstop-turned-pitcher-turned-violent-douchebag Matt Bush from the Padres for a bag of balls (aka Dirk Hayhurst).

And what a pedigree this kid has!

"Two weeks after he was drafted, Bush was suspended indefinitely by the Padres after he was arrested at a bar across the street from the team’s complex in Peoria, Ariz. Among the charges were underage drinking and that he bit one of the bouncers who tried to escort him out of the bar."

Oh, and then there's this.

Apparently this is how desperate the Jays are for pitching; trading for flameout #1 picks (while at the same time jettisoning our own failed first-rounders).

Anyway, please distract yourself with this ode to Crazy Bush, performed by two of the greatest Toronto-area entertainers of this generation:

"Crazy bush never hurt anybody, it only brought people together."

A-ROID

SI.com - Sources tell SI Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003

Fan reaction here.

A Great Weekend For Smokers Everywhere

Enjoy this, you guys. You'll never have a better couple of days.

First eleventy-billion-time gold medal winner Michael Phelps is caught on camera testing the limits of his lung capacity (which must be HUGE).



Then Steelers wideout and well-known pot head Santonio Holmes wins Super Bowl MVP.



And after the game, what did a bunch of Steelers do? You guessed it...



Smoke em if you got em, folks.

The Second of Many Depressing Reads About The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

Here we go again...

Hot Stove Helper: Blue Jays take the winter off (Can fans take the season off?)

We're mostly here to discuss ownable fantasy players who've found new employers, and in the case of the Blue Jays below, well … we'll make something up to write about. (Wow, we're not even into the actual body of the story yet, and that's two negatives..not a good sign.)

Be honest, if we skipped the Toronto HSH, would you have noticed? This could be the shortest Helper in history, friends, let's establish that up front. (Good. Wouldn't want to waste anyone's time.)

There's not a lot of news coming from Blue Jay Way (they're the only AL club that didn't sign a major-league free agent) (Hold on...what? Really? Jesus fuck.)

[Jose Bautista will] probably steal 300 at-bats somewhere along the way, hit 10-12 homers, hit under .250, and never be owned by anyone in your mixed league. (Can't wait!)

Michael Barrett signs a minor-league contract...please forward your fan mail accordingly. (You know what? I like Barrett. Why? Because he's not Gregg Goddamn Zaun.)

The Cardinals weren't impressed with [Matt] Clement's limited work in the minors last year and made no effort to keep him, a telling sign. This might be our last Clement note of the season, so make the most of it. (I don't know. Have you seen our other rotation options? Clement at least has a decent shot to crack the starting five. Plus he's back with pitching coach Brad Arnsberg, and they were good together in Florida 8 years ago, right? Wait, they weren't? Shit.)

Jason Bartlett's name floated around. (It did? Good God.)

I looked high and low for a posted over/under on the Jays and I couldn't find anything yet; I'll be shocked if anyone expects them to win 86 games again.

Order your season tickets now! You'll wanna get priority for postseason tickets!

Cockbag Of The Week: A.J. Smith

What would a Chargers offseason be without a little controversy?

And as usual, it's cockbag GM A.J. Smith running his mouth, but this time he may have gone too far.

He openly mocked LaDainian Tomlinson's statements that he has no intentions of leaving San Diego, mimicking his quote like an 8-year-old girl.

Everyone is ready to write off LT because he's approaching 30, the running back best-before date, but if he can be convinced to take a pay cut, you gotta believe he's got another year in him, at the very least to prove all his doubters wrong.

But with the way Smith is cutting him down, it's getting harder by the day to think LT is gonna come back to San Diego, which leaves the RB situation cloudy at best.

Darren "Tiny Jesus" Sproles is a superball but there are concerns he may not be able to carry the load full time. Plus he's likely to get big-money offers elsewhere, and might not want to stick around given what's happening with LT. And Jacob Hester may not be ready to step into the super backup role that Sproles and Michael Turner occupied previously.

You have to remember, LaDainian Tomlinson is the best thing to ever happen to the San Diego Chargers franchise. He is the face of the team, and is maybe the best back of his generation.

So for Smith to treat him like he's expired meat is both unfair and extremely unwise.

Eventually Smith's douchebaggery will get the best of him, and you have to wonder if the Chargers hadn't made a late-season surge to make the playoffs, maybe the blame would be falling elsewhere.

One way or another, Smith will get his comeuppance. And if it takes a 1500 yard season from LT in another uniform, then so be it.

So Long, Jeff Kent

Baseball fans should remember Jeff Kent as the greatest second baseman of his generation, and perhaps of all time.

But he will also go down in MLB history as one of the game's all-time cockbags.

Here's a quick summary of Kent's most infamous moments:

- He insulted legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully.

- He donated money to help pass anti-gay marriage bill Proposition 8.

- He defended his a-hole title against top contender and then-teammate Barry Bonds.

- He allegedly broke his wrist "washing his truck".

- And according to Milton Bradley (not exactly the most trustworthy source, I know), he's a racist.

Blue Jays fans will remember Kent as the dude we traded to get David Cone, who helped bring the Jays their first World Series in 1992 (Kent was later given a World Series ring, which further underscores that point).

Kent deserves to be in the Hall of Fame and will probably get in eventually. He'll have more competition trying to crack the list of all-time jerks in sports (I already mentioned two top contenders: Bonds and Bradley).

Enjoy your retirement, Jeff...I have a feeling it won't be the last we hear from you.

A List of Pitchers Worse Than Cole Hamels Making More Than Cole Hamels

(Hamels' average salary: $6.83 million)

Barry Zito ($18 million)
A.J. Burnett ($16.5 million)
Jason Schmidt ($15.6 million)
Derek Lowe ($15 million)
Ryan Dempster ($13 million)
Bronson Arroyo ($12.5 million)
Carlos Silva ($12 million)
Kevin Millwood ($12 million)
Hiroki Kuroda ($11.76 million)
Javier Vazquez ($11.5 million)
Vicente Padilla ($11.25 million)
Gil Meche ($11 million)
Jeff Suppan ($10.5 million)
Kyle Lohse ($10.25 million)
Aaron Cook ($10 million)
Ted Lilly ($10 million)
Dontrelle Willis ($9.6 million)
Jose Contreras ($9.6 million)
Jeremy Bonderman ($9.5 million)
Jarrod Washburn ($9.375 million)
Brett Myers ($8.58 million)
Miguel Batista ($8.33 million)
Adam Eaton ($8.17 million)
Kenshin Kawakami (Who?) ($7.6 million)
Doug Davis ($7.33 million)
Nate Robertson ($7.08 million)
Jason Marquis ($7 million)

Look, I get that he was making $500 K last year, but come on. He signs a multi-year deal, and he's still not the highest-paid starter on his own team? Adam fucking Eaton?!? Wow.

This doesn't just make NO sense, it makes NEGATIVE sense. Other things now make a little more sense, to balance this out.

I Picked Up Chicks With Andrea Bargnani

OK, not really. It was a dream I had last night.

After another Raptors defeat (that's reality), Bryan Colangelo uncharacteristically lost his temper and starting setting the room on fire (incidentally that room was the party room in my apartment for some reason).

Everyone starts freaking out, Bargnani and I bolt to the elevator and get out of the building.

I guess Bargs wanted to take his mind off things, so the next thing I know we're at a poolside bar/restaurant with a bunch of girls.

He found one he liked and took off with her; must be real tough to find women when you're a 7 foot tall Italian basketball player. *cough*

Anyway, nice to have a dream that doesn't involve me getting shot or something, though I suppose I should be distressed that I'm dreaming about dudes.

I will say this; based on the way things went, being Andrea's wingman would be pretty awesome.

And So Ends The Season Of The Greatest 8-8 Team Ever

...You stay classy, San Diego.

The First Of Many Depressing Reads About The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

Hot Stove Daily: Toronto Blue Jays

Here are some highlights in case you'd rather not wallow through the misery (and I don't blame you):

"Whatever hopes the Blue Jays had of competing in 2009 evaporated when right-hander A.J. Burnett elected to sign with the Yankees." (Without our #2 starter, why even try, right?)

"The Canadian dollar has taken a big hit, the team’s owner, Ted Rogers, died of congestive heart failure in early December, and...the Blue Jays would not be allowed to reallocate the $12 million they saved on Burnett." (I guess terrible things happen in threes, too.)

"While every other team in the division reloaded, Ricciardi has been forced to stand idly by, an uncomfortable position for a GM who has been in charge for seven years and has one second-place finish to show for it." (Translation: J.P. = gonzo)

"The bullpen, with four lefties – B.J. Ryan, Jesse Carlson, Scott Downs and Brian Tallet – was terrific, but middle relief is perhaps the game’s most unpredictable variable." (Just in case you were considering Carlson, Downs or Tallet for your 2009 fantasy team)

"...with an emasculated rotation and no loonies to spend, they are built to compete in 2010."

Buy your flex packs now!

Red Sox Nation In Crisis

The Yankees gawt Tah-SHAIR-AHHH...who do we gawwt?


Jawwn Smoltz is FAWWTY-WAN YEE-AHS OLD! He's awwl-most as old as fackin' Wakefield!

We need anotha HITT-AH to match Tah-SHAIR-AHHH!


We gawwt ah guy named RAWW-CO? That's ah WAWWP name! He should be ah Yankee!

And I heard he's re-TAH-ded! WE DON'T WANT NO RE-TAH-DED WAWWPS AWN OW-AH RED SAHHCKS!

Who else?


Penny? THAT FAT CAWKBAG IS AHHH-FULL! He had an ERA of ov-ah SIX for the GAWD-DAMN DAWW-JAHS!!

Look at him in that pick-CHA! HE'S HAVING A HAWWWT ATTACK!

And Josh BAHHHD can't catch Wakefield's KNUCK-LAH! That's why we gawt rid of him the first time!

FACKIN SAHHCKS! FACKIN YANKEES!! GO CELTICS!!!

And yet another team I root for has to give me a heart attack...

The Longhorns narrowly edged the Buckeyes to take the Fiesta Bowl (aka the Gratuitous Shots of Sideline Gatorade Bowl - if you didn't know that Tostitos and Gatorade were owned by the same people, you do now) thanks to a last-minute drive led by Colt McCoy and Quan Cosby.



The win probably wasn't convincing enough to get consideration for a split national title, but I'll take it and hope for a 6-3 snoozefest in the BCS Championship game.

These things always happen in threes, so I'm sure Arsenal will make a crazy FA Cup run or something.