Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Second of Many Depressing Reads About The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

Here we go again...

Hot Stove Helper: Blue Jays take the winter off (Can fans take the season off?)

We're mostly here to discuss ownable fantasy players who've found new employers, and in the case of the Blue Jays below, well … we'll make something up to write about. (Wow, we're not even into the actual body of the story yet, and that's two negatives..not a good sign.)

Be honest, if we skipped the Toronto HSH, would you have noticed? This could be the shortest Helper in history, friends, let's establish that up front. (Good. Wouldn't want to waste anyone's time.)

There's not a lot of news coming from Blue Jay Way (they're the only AL club that didn't sign a major-league free agent) (Hold on...what? Really? Jesus fuck.)

[Jose Bautista will] probably steal 300 at-bats somewhere along the way, hit 10-12 homers, hit under .250, and never be owned by anyone in your mixed league. (Can't wait!)

Michael Barrett signs a minor-league contract...please forward your fan mail accordingly. (You know what? I like Barrett. Why? Because he's not Gregg Goddamn Zaun.)

The Cardinals weren't impressed with [Matt] Clement's limited work in the minors last year and made no effort to keep him, a telling sign. This might be our last Clement note of the season, so make the most of it. (I don't know. Have you seen our other rotation options? Clement at least has a decent shot to crack the starting five. Plus he's back with pitching coach Brad Arnsberg, and they were good together in Florida 8 years ago, right? Wait, they weren't? Shit.)

Jason Bartlett's name floated around. (It did? Good God.)

I looked high and low for a posted over/under on the Jays and I couldn't find anything yet; I'll be shocked if anyone expects them to win 86 games again.

Order your season tickets now! You'll wanna get priority for postseason tickets!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Cockbag Of The Week: A.J. Smith

What would a Chargers offseason be without a little controversy?

And as usual, it's cockbag GM A.J. Smith running his mouth, but this time he may have gone too far.

He openly mocked LaDainian Tomlinson's statements that he has no intentions of leaving San Diego, mimicking his quote like an 8-year-old girl.

Everyone is ready to write off LT because he's approaching 30, the running back best-before date, but if he can be convinced to take a pay cut, you gotta believe he's got another year in him, at the very least to prove all his doubters wrong.

But with the way Smith is cutting him down, it's getting harder by the day to think LT is gonna come back to San Diego, which leaves the RB situation cloudy at best.

Darren "Tiny Jesus" Sproles is a superball but there are concerns he may not be able to carry the load full time. Plus he's likely to get big-money offers elsewhere, and might not want to stick around given what's happening with LT. And Jacob Hester may not be ready to step into the super backup role that Sproles and Michael Turner occupied previously.

You have to remember, LaDainian Tomlinson is the best thing to ever happen to the San Diego Chargers franchise. He is the face of the team, and is maybe the best back of his generation.

So for Smith to treat him like he's expired meat is both unfair and extremely unwise.

Eventually Smith's douchebaggery will get the best of him, and you have to wonder if the Chargers hadn't made a late-season surge to make the playoffs, maybe the blame would be falling elsewhere.

One way or another, Smith will get his comeuppance. And if it takes a 1500 yard season from LT in another uniform, then so be it.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

So Long, Jeff Kent

Baseball fans should remember Jeff Kent as the greatest second baseman of his generation, and perhaps of all time.

But he will also go down in MLB history as one of the game's all-time cockbags.

Here's a quick summary of Kent's most infamous moments:

- He insulted legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully.

- He donated money to help pass anti-gay marriage bill Proposition 8.

- He defended his a-hole title against top contender and then-teammate Barry Bonds.

- He allegedly broke his wrist "washing his truck".

- And according to Milton Bradley (not exactly the most trustworthy source, I know), he's a racist.

Blue Jays fans will remember Kent as the dude we traded to get David Cone, who helped bring the Jays their first World Series in 1992 (Kent was later given a World Series ring, which further underscores that point).

Kent deserves to be in the Hall of Fame and will probably get in eventually. He'll have more competition trying to crack the list of all-time jerks in sports (I already mentioned two top contenders: Bonds and Bradley).

Enjoy your retirement, Jeff...I have a feeling it won't be the last we hear from you.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A List of Pitchers Worse Than Cole Hamels Making More Than Cole Hamels

(Hamels' average salary: $6.83 million)

Barry Zito ($18 million)
A.J. Burnett ($16.5 million)
Jason Schmidt ($15.6 million)
Derek Lowe ($15 million)
Ryan Dempster ($13 million)
Bronson Arroyo ($12.5 million)
Carlos Silva ($12 million)
Kevin Millwood ($12 million)
Hiroki Kuroda ($11.76 million)
Javier Vazquez ($11.5 million)
Vicente Padilla ($11.25 million)
Gil Meche ($11 million)
Jeff Suppan ($10.5 million)
Kyle Lohse ($10.25 million)
Aaron Cook ($10 million)
Ted Lilly ($10 million)
Dontrelle Willis ($9.6 million)
Jose Contreras ($9.6 million)
Jeremy Bonderman ($9.5 million)
Jarrod Washburn ($9.375 million)
Brett Myers ($8.58 million)
Miguel Batista ($8.33 million)
Adam Eaton ($8.17 million)
Kenshin Kawakami (Who?) ($7.6 million)
Doug Davis ($7.33 million)
Nate Robertson ($7.08 million)
Jason Marquis ($7 million)

Look, I get that he was making $500 K last year, but come on. He signs a multi-year deal, and he's still not the highest-paid starter on his own team? Adam fucking Eaton?!? Wow.

This doesn't just make NO sense, it makes NEGATIVE sense. Other things now make a little more sense, to balance this out.

I Picked Up Chicks With Andrea Bargnani

OK, not really. It was a dream I had last night.

After another Raptors defeat (that's reality), Bryan Colangelo uncharacteristically lost his temper and starting setting the room on fire (incidentally that room was the party room in my apartment for some reason).

Everyone starts freaking out, Bargnani and I bolt to the elevator and get out of the building.

I guess Bargs wanted to take his mind off things, so the next thing I know we're at a poolside bar/restaurant with a bunch of girls.

He found one he liked and took off with her; must be real tough to find women when you're a 7 foot tall Italian basketball player. *cough*

Anyway, nice to have a dream that doesn't involve me getting shot or something, though I suppose I should be distressed that I'm dreaming about dudes.

I will say this; based on the way things went, being Andrea's wingman would be pretty awesome.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The First Of Many Depressing Reads About The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

Hot Stove Daily: Toronto Blue Jays

Here are some highlights in case you'd rather not wallow through the misery (and I don't blame you):

"Whatever hopes the Blue Jays had of competing in 2009 evaporated when right-hander A.J. Burnett elected to sign with the Yankees." (Without our #2 starter, why even try, right?)

"The Canadian dollar has taken a big hit, the team’s owner, Ted Rogers, died of congestive heart failure in early December, and...the Blue Jays would not be allowed to reallocate the $12 million they saved on Burnett." (I guess terrible things happen in threes, too.)

"While every other team in the division reloaded, Ricciardi has been forced to stand idly by, an uncomfortable position for a GM who has been in charge for seven years and has one second-place finish to show for it." (Translation: J.P. = gonzo)

"The bullpen, with four lefties – B.J. Ryan, Jesse Carlson, Scott Downs and Brian Tallet – was terrific, but middle relief is perhaps the game’s most unpredictable variable." (Just in case you were considering Carlson, Downs or Tallet for your 2009 fantasy team)

"...with an emasculated rotation and no loonies to spend, they are built to compete in 2010."

Buy your flex packs now!

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Red Sox Nation In Crisis

The Yankees gawt Tah-SHAIR-AHHH...who do we gawwt?

Jawwn Smoltz is FAWWTY-WAN YEE-AHS OLD! He's awwl-most as old as fackin' Wakefield!

We need anotha HITT-AH to match Tah-SHAIR-AHHH!

We gawwt ah guy named RAWW-CO? That's ah WAWWP name! He should be ah Yankee!


Who else?


Look at him in that pick-CHA! HE'S HAVING A HAWWWT ATTACK!

And Josh BAHHHD can't catch Wakefield's KNUCK-LAH! That's why we gawt rid of him the first time!


Tuesday, January 06, 2009

And yet another team I root for has to give me a heart attack...

The Longhorns narrowly edged the Buckeyes to take the Fiesta Bowl (aka the Gratuitous Shots of Sideline Gatorade Bowl - if you didn't know that Tostitos and Gatorade were owned by the same people, you do now) thanks to a last-minute drive led by Colt McCoy and Quan Cosby.

The win probably wasn't convincing enough to get consideration for a split national title, but I'll take it and hope for a 6-3 snoozefest in the BCS Championship game.

These things always happen in threes, so I'm sure Arsenal will make a crazy FA Cup run or something.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

NFL Sunday In 10 Photos

"Honestly? I have NO idea how we got here!"

That's it, kid, learn how to lead with your head, so one day you too can suffer a serious concussion just like your favourite Dolphins!

They should replace the William Penn statue on top of Philadelphia City Hall with one of Akers in this pose.

These douchebag Miami fans have #17 painted on their faces. #17 is Brandon London...the 5th wide receiver. No wonder you guys lost!

Bon Jovi approves of the hair though; even he couldn't get it that spiky back in the 80s.

Kendra Wilkinson, one of Hugh Hefner's former girlfriends, currently dating Eagles WR Hank Baskett. How could you possibly get with a girl after Hef fucked her? Talk about sloppy seconds.

Whoa...after Kendra, seeing this Mummer is like that scene in A Clockwork Orange.

This dude has to be the retarded son of one of the '72 Dolphins that won't stop reminding everyone they're the only team to go unbeaten.

*pointing to owner's box*

"See, Mr. Lurie? I'm not a useless husk of a coach!"

Sorry, Dolphins fans, there's always next year, when the bitter disappointment of seeing two other teams play for the Super Bowl in your own backyard will make 2008 seem like a dream season!

Cue the disco music...

San Diego Super Chargers,

San Diego Chargers!

San Diego Super Chargers,

San Diego Chargers!


Saturday, January 03, 2009

Ruh Roh

You never want to hear the words "detached tendon" and "pubic bone" in the same sentence.

With Antonio Gates also hobbled (again), that means the Chargers' top two offensive targets will be limited at best. And we all know how that goes for San Diego.

Despite all this I'm still optimistic...though I can't for the life of me figure out why. Perhaps last year has something to do with it.

Either way, I'm getting drunk while largely ignoring the Cards/Falcons game, because really, neither of these teams are getting past the next round.

Good luck to all your teams this weekend, especially if it's the Chargers.