Saturday, November 28, 2009

Bitches Be Crazy

Apparently that old adage (OK, it's not old really, just something me and my roommate made up) applies even to mega-stars like Tiger Woods.

As you've probably heard by now, Tiger was involved in a minor car accident. He was treated at a local hospital for facial lacerations and released.

What is still up for debate is just how Tiger got said lacerations.

As usual, TMZ was on the story first, and continues to invade my life whether I like it or not (my co-workers LOVE the site):
The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV -- but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.
Wow. I was just in Sweden this summer; didn't realize how loco their women are. I guess I'd be upset too if my meal ticket was crashing itself into a fire hydrant.

Anyway, the alleged affair story broke only a couple days ago, so it's highly unlikely that this is a coincidence, no matter how much the popular sports media tried to spin it as an "accident" or as a slanderous attack on a golden athlete.

Look, it's pretty obvious what happened here: Tiger "got it in the hole" on someone else's putting surface. Guess what? He's a rich and powerful man! Rich and powerful men do shit like this all the time; just cause he plays golf for a living doesn't mean he's not a weaselly weasel.

Sure, he married a Swedish model, and that should be enough. For most people. But not for Tiger, evidently.

This further proves my theory that superstar athletes should never get married. You can have all the Scandinavian bikini girls you want, with none of the eventual backlash when you wanna upgrade to the newest set of clubs, as it were.

The real winners in all this? The PGA. A bonafide scandal involving the most popular player in the history of the sport that has nothing to do with racism or sexism? Amazing! Cheating on your wife? John Daly calls that a Tuesday!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dwyane Wade With No Regard For Anderson Varejao's Life

Move over Carmelo Anthony, we got a new dunk of the year!

Wow. Also, the French judge gave Varejao a 9.8 for the perfect jackknife somersault into the back of the net.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Clay Zavada: King of Movember

It is well established that November is pretty much the worst month of the year (with the possible exception of February, aka Febtober).

It has next to no redeeming qualities (cold, no holidays other than the somberfest that is Remembrance Day) and is especially depressing when the best day of the American calendar rolls around, that being the real Thanksgiving (face it, our Thanksgiving is weak; down there it's bigger than Christmas!)

So it's nice to know that someone is out there trying to help us get through the next 30 days...and that someone is Clay Zavada.

The Diamondbacks reliever was honoured this weekend for rocking the best baseball mustache since Rollie Fingers, capturing the coveted 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award from the American Mustache Institute.

Zavada beat out some stiff competition, including fellow mustachioed ballplayer Brendan Ryan and US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger, better known as the dude who landed that fucking plane in the fucking Hudson River.

So congrats to Zavada and his awesome labia sebucula (that's Latin for "lip sweater"; get your mind out of the gutter) for being a shining example for dudes who can grow facial hair everywhere.

And be sure to visit your local Movember website for all the latest mustache news, and to find out how you can donate to the cause or get involved.