Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Roy Halladay Finally Gets Traded In 4-Way, Eleventy Billion Player Deal That Apparently No One Understands

You know that moment when you’re stuck in a big thunderstorm and it lets up for a little bit, and you think to yourself, “This is probably the best chance I got” and make a break for it?

We’re at that point in the Roy Halladay trade, a blockbuster the likes of which hasn’t been seen in baseball for several years.

Here’s how the deal works out from the Jays’ perspective: they give up their franchise player and $6 million to Philadelphia for prospects Kyle Drabek, Michael Taylor and Travis d’Arnaud. The Jays then flip Taylor to Oakland for another prospect, Brett Wallace.

The Phillies then turn around and ship Cliff Lee to Seattle for a few prospects, including Canadian hurler Phillippe Aumont.

The names that aren’t Halladay or Lee have changed every couple hours, so this may not be the deal that ends up happening. But that’s not what this story is about.

This story is about two things: the Toronto Blue Jays losing something they could count on having the last 11-or-so seasons: Roy Halladay pitching every five days, which is a full-length article in itself.

But the second thing is about the American media and notoriously loopy Philly fans not understanding just what the Phillies are getting in Halladay.

Just look at some of these headlines:

“Lee-Halladay deal doesn’t feel right in Philly”

“Halladay/Lee: Makes No Sense At All”

Are you kidding me? I mean, Jays fans were used to Doc’s relative anonymity south of the border, which was all well and good when he was still a Jay. But ask people who actually know baseball, like Joe Torre, or Derek Jeter, or anyone who’s had to face Roy Halladay on a regular basis: he is THE best pitcher in the game. Better than Johan Santana. Better than Cliff Lee. Better than C.C. Sabathia. And the Phillies are locking him up to a long-term contract extension at an affordable price.

Add in that there was no progress with Lee on signing a similar extension, and that the Phillies managed to get top prospects back for Lee, cushioning the blow to the farm system of losing Drabek and Taylor, and this should be seen as a huge win for Ruben Amaro and the Phillies brass.

So far, that’s not how it appears, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that after Halladay makes two or three starts with Philadelphia and absolutely carves up the opposition, that you won’t be hearing from these morons again.

Make no mistake: Roy Halladay pitching in the National League is a scary proposition. The Yankees, Red Sox and Rays are uncorking champagne bottles at the news that Halladay is out of their division.

I would be shocked if Doc didn’t add another Cy Young or two to his resume in Philly, because he just so happens to have the best offense in the NL behind him, which should provide him with those extra wins that may have robbed him of further hardware during his time in Toronto.

So farewell, good Doctor, and I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve this perhaps more than any player in Major League Baseball.

Oh, and Phillies fans; you’re welcome. This should make up for 1993.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


It's true, Jays fans! The worst baseball play-by-announcer in history has finally been relieved of his duties.

And replacing him? Buck Martinez! FUCK YES!

"I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to call play-by-play, and living up to the great tradition that has been established by Tom Cheek, Jim Hughson and Dan Shulman."


No longer will I have to watch the Jays on mute. There is no way on God's green earth that Buck could be worse at play-by-play than Jamie fucking Campbell.

Buck's colour guy has yet to be determined, but Pat Tabler, Rance Mulliniks and Darrin Fletcher - aka the Terrible Three - have not had their contracts renewed as of yet, which is promising.

I'll tell you who it won't be: Gregg Zaun, because Milwaukee paid that pile of crap $2.15 million to be their starting catcher!

BAHAHAHA this is the greatest day ever!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Bitches Be Crazy

Apparently that old adage (OK, it's not old really, just something me and my roommate made up) applies even to mega-stars like Tiger Woods.

As you've probably heard by now, Tiger was involved in a minor car accident. He was treated at a local hospital for facial lacerations and released.

What is still up for debate is just how Tiger got said lacerations.

As usual, TMZ was on the story first, and continues to invade my life whether I like it or not (my co-workers LOVE the site):
The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV -- but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.
Wow. I was just in Sweden this summer; didn't realize how loco their women are. I guess I'd be upset too if my meal ticket was crashing itself into a fire hydrant.

Anyway, the alleged affair story broke only a couple days ago, so it's highly unlikely that this is a coincidence, no matter how much the popular sports media tried to spin it as an "accident" or as a slanderous attack on a golden athlete.

Look, it's pretty obvious what happened here: Tiger "got it in the hole" on someone else's putting surface. Guess what? He's a rich and powerful man! Rich and powerful men do shit like this all the time; just cause he plays golf for a living doesn't mean he's not a weaselly weasel.

Sure, he married a Swedish model, and that should be enough. For most people. But not for Tiger, evidently.

This further proves my theory that superstar athletes should never get married. You can have all the Scandinavian bikini girls you want, with none of the eventual backlash when you wanna upgrade to the newest set of clubs, as it were.

The real winners in all this? The PGA. A bonafide scandal involving the most popular player in the history of the sport that has nothing to do with racism or sexism? Amazing! Cheating on your wife? John Daly calls that a Tuesday!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dwyane Wade With No Regard For Anderson Varejao's Life

Move over Carmelo Anthony, we got a new dunk of the year!

Wow. Also, the French judge gave Varejao a 9.8 for the perfect jackknife somersault into the back of the net.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Clay Zavada: King of Movember

It is well established that November is pretty much the worst month of the year (with the possible exception of February, aka Febtober).

It has next to no redeeming qualities (cold, no holidays other than the somberfest that is Remembrance Day) and is especially depressing when the best day of the American calendar rolls around, that being the real Thanksgiving (face it, our Thanksgiving is weak; down there it's bigger than Christmas!)

So it's nice to know that someone is out there trying to help us get through the next 30 days...and that someone is Clay Zavada.

The Diamondbacks reliever was honoured this weekend for rocking the best baseball mustache since Rollie Fingers, capturing the coveted 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award from the American Mustache Institute.

Zavada beat out some stiff competition, including fellow mustachioed ballplayer Brendan Ryan and US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger, better known as the dude who landed that fucking plane in the fucking Hudson River.

So congrats to Zavada and his awesome labia sebucula (that's Latin for "lip sweater"; get your mind out of the gutter) for being a shining example for dudes who can grow facial hair everywhere.

And be sure to visit your local Movember website for all the latest mustache news, and to find out how you can donate to the cause or get involved.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mark McGwire Is Back In Baseball, Except Not Really

Yes, the rumours are true: Mark McGwire is the new hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals.

And as is custom in sports, a press conference was held today to make everything all official-like.

One problem: Big Mac wasn't at the presser.

This is what I can't understand: you have a guy who's clearly trying to repair his tarnished image and get consideration for the Hall of Fame, hitching his wagon Tony Dungy-Michael Vick style to his friend Tony LaRussa, one of the most respected men in baseball.

So you'd think the least you could do to prevent any early skepticism is fucking show up to the thing!

Cards GM John Mozeliak says they're not trying to shield McGwire from questions about steroids: “By no means is he trying to hide, and by no means are we trying to hide him.”

Perhaps Mozeliak should look up the words "shield" and "by no means" in the dictionary (yes, my dictionary has words AND phrases, eat it).

If it was a scheduling conflict, why not hold the press conference so that he can actually be there?

Not exactly the start the Cards were hoping for with this move, especially considering La Russa has stated he's near the end of his managing career.

McGwire has been working with major league hitters in the offseason and has garnered praise for his approach, so who knows, this crazy idea might work.

For what it's worth, McGwire is a career .263 hitter, with a high of .312 in 1996 but also including two seasons at or below the Mendoza line (.201 in 1991 and a brutal .187 in his last year).

Looking forward to following this story in the offseason to see how much steroid juking McGwire will do, and to see whether or not this is as transparent as it appears.

Monday, October 05, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

My awareness for breast cancer isn't the only thing that's raised.

Nothing says charity like knee-high socks and hooker boots.

"OK guys, #26 over there, he's about 85 years old, so we'll go after him. And don't get cocky; these refs are better than the Lions.

Move over, Sage Rosenfels...make way for the Cutlercopter!

Take notes, Kim Kardashian.

Or you can try the "Korean Altar Boy".

Ike Taylor demonstrates his new defensive strategy, the Booting The Receiver In The Ass method.

The "Jacksonville Jump" doesn't have the same ring to it. Also, Santa's a Jags fan?

"You've won this round, Belichick, but we'll beat your ass in the AFC championship game!"

"...and we'll be waiting." *making the two finger eye pointing gesture*

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Arrivederci Ricciardi

I was ready to write a whole diatribe on the Cito Gaston mutiny story being a symptom of a terrible organization...but then this happened, and yeah, it's a much bigger deal.

J.P. Ricciardi is no longer with the Blue Jays, and as much as I'd like to rip the man for fucking this franchise eight ways from Sunday, I can't bring myself to do it.

Fans and members of the media have short memories, and I recall the early days of J.P.'s tenure as being ones of unbridled enthusiasm and optimism. We gave J.P. plenty of rope, and instead of lassoing a playoff berth or two, he ended up hanging himself with it.

There's no question Ricciardi's last years with the club were an unmitigated disaster; from the ludicrous signings of B.J. Ryan, Frank Thomas, Alex Rios and Vernon Wells, to the Adam Dunn fiasco, to the poor handling of the Roy Halladay trade deadline situation, and finally the reported team mutiny towards manager Cito Gaston.

But now is not the time to kick a fired man's ass out the door. What needs to happen going forward for this team is a change in culture, similar to what is happening with Brian Burke and the Leafs (never thought I'd use the fucking Leafs as an example for how to improve management).

If it takes completely cleaning house, then I'm all for it. Paul Beeston will pick a successor soon, and that person should promptly start from scratch. There needs to be an attitude of winning, not one of complacency for being in a ball-busting division. No excuses, just play ball, all that sort of thing. It sounds simple, but for this franchise it would mark a significant shift in its outlook.

With the Jays' parent company Rogers losing money, the task will be a difficult one. The days of outspending the Yankees and Red Sox ended 15 years ago. But it has to happen. Fans are disillusioned and are making their voices heard by not showing up to the ballpark in droves. With the Leafs and Raptors improving, the Jays simply cannot afford to wallow in mediocrity any longer.

J.P. Ricciardi let the pressures of working in a seemingly no-win environment get to him, and it got him run out of town. I would be surprised if he ever got another GM gig, and he's got no one to blame but himself. Getting fired just two days before the end of the season puts a fitting bow on one of the worst Blue Jays seasons in recent memory, especially considering how promising it all started.

Something has to change. Undeniable dilemma.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Jays Show Their Appreciation To Fans By Giving Them The Shaft

As a former Rogers employee (worked at the Dome for a couple years in ticket sales) I can personally attest to the company's general assbaggery.

But this takes the cake, or more accurately, the game-worn jersey:

From drunkjaysfans.com: Outrage! Fucking Outrage!

Monday, September 28, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

Even when the Lions win, they kind of lose. That photographer's gonna have a nice shot of Matthew Stafford's bald spot.

To NFL Fan,


Les Grossman Tom Cruise

*Movie Announcer Voice*

This fall...Aaron Rodgers is...Ninja Quarterback!

The Lord revealed Himself to Vincent Jackson and two Miami defenders...and God said, "You stay classy, San Diego."

*terrible French accent*

"Ah, zut alors! Je deteste cornerbacks avec un nom hyphenated! La divorce c'est une chose terrible! Pensez aux enfants! Je dois facemask-toi!"

Ravens fans: still terrifying.

Ray Rice: "What is this differently-painted section of the field? Never been here before...wait, is this the endzone?!? I did it, I finally made it!"

OK Rams fans, are you ready for another week of crippingly inept football??? *setting off pyro*

First Pittsburgh, and now Indy...the AFC owns Kurt Warner's ass in primetime.

"Seasons of Loooooooooove!"

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Isotopes Win A Game! The Isotopes Win A Game!

Lions 19, Redskins 14. Detroit's first win in almost two years.

*Ford cars start flying off the lot*

*economy turns around*

I'm sure Jim Zorn is being fired as I type this...at least he fucking should be. Wow.

Washington did win something in this game; the title of "Worst City In America" over Detroit. Congrats, DC: your cesspool is the cesspooliest!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Cockbag Of The Week: Jeff Suppan

I took a trip with two co-workers to New York a couple summers ago to catch the Jays at old Yankee Stadium. Naturally I wore my black Jays jersey in the left-field bleachers (which nearly got us killed) with Suppa 55 on the back (yeah I know, having your own name on a jersey is lame, fuck off, it was a gift!)

The two memorable jeers from that day: one guy yelling incredulously, "Who the fuck is Suppa?" and "Hey, Jeff Suppan plays for Milwaukee, you fucking idiot!"

While I was impressed by the fan's extensive knowledge of mediocre pitchers, it got me thinking: Jeff Suppan is a disgrace to 5/6ths of my last name.

Last night against the Phillies, Suppan continued to shame the name, giving up 8 runs on 12 hits in under 5 innings of work, good enough for his 11th loss of the year and a cascade of boos from the Milwaukee faithful as he was yanked.

Suppan has pitched for 15 years in the majors, and has been serviceable but not spectacular. His best year was probably 2005 with St. Louis; Cards pitching coach/sprinkler of fairy dust Dave Duncan was able to magically get 16 wins and an ERA near 3.50 out of him.

Suppan's three years with the Brewers have been pretty terrible, and the lowlights this season have been particularly dim: an ERA over 5, nearly as many walks (72) as strikeouts (76), and in just four of his 28 starts did he strike out at least five batters.

Suppan opened the year with two stinkbombs against the Giants and Cubs and never really recovered; in late July he surrendered 10 (!) runs to the fucking Nationals.

Oh yeah, his salary this season? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of 10 million bucks.

So fuck you, Jeff Suppan, for embarrassing 83% of our shared surname and for making more money than I will ever see in a lifetime for being a shitty pitcher.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Soviet Russia: Where Amazing Happens

North America's most global pro sports organization is about to get real global.

Russian tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to buy 80 per cent of the New Jersey Nets and move them to Brooklyn (take that, Jay-Z!), along with half of the project to build a new arena there.

(Side note: being known as a "tycoon" is one of the coolest titles a man can have. Right up there with "rockstar" and "international playboy.")

The 6-foot-6 Prokhorov is a former amateur baller, but there's no question he's been "ballin" for years now; he often rolls with an entourage of gorgeous women on private jets, and was questioned - but never charged - in a prostitution investigation.

How rich is this guy? He lost $7 billion in the global recession, and is still the wealthiest man in Russia. He makes Mark Cuban look like a CFL owner.

The Nets have been rumoured to be moving to the New York City borough for a while now, but it looks like it will finally be a reality. And with the proposed arena location a few miles from famed Russian enclave Brighton Beach, this appears to be, if you'll pardon the obvious reference, a slam dunk.

This I think is the real problem with the ongoing Phoenix Coyotes/Jim Balsillie saga. Sure, Balsillie is a kabillionaire, but he's a Canadian kabillionaire, which doesn't hold as much weight as, say, a Russian kabillionaire who may or may not control an underground prostitution ring. These guys get shit done; they wouldn't be taking guff from some retirement-community town.

Quasi-update: Wayne Gretzky stepped down as Coyotes head coach/director of player operations. Cancel all those #99 Gretzky jerseys, Hamilton!

Monday, September 21, 2009


A lot of handing off and wacky formations and obscenely high possession times...and the Dolphins are 0-2.

Sure, just like that one-night-stand you picked up at the local dive bar (shout out to the Underground) the Wildcat was good times, but you can't roll with that long-term. Unless you want chlamydia.

The Colts had the ball for less than 15 minutes and still won. That's the difference between an exciting offense and a good offense.

Miami is in serious danger of going from 1-15 to 11-5 back to 1-15...I hope J-Lo and the Williams sisters have an escape clause in their ownership contracts.

Oh, and a big fuck you to Ray Lewis for murdering the Chargers last night. Now I know how those two dudes at the 2000 Super Bowl party felt. Ba-zing!

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

"So I said to Cheney, 'Go ahead, shoot him in the face...we already got away with murder: we won two elections!"

*everyone bursts out laughing*

Not pictured: the 50 feet between LeBron and the ground.

Parachute dude, under his breath: "Mmmm, that sure is a Hall-of-Fame tight end..."

*Sharpe looks behind him* "What'd you say?"

"Uh, n-nothing!"

"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, coach! I wanna block the kick! Me! Meeeee!"

This cheerleader has a long career in shampoo commercials ahead of her.

Is he man or monster? Or is he both? Cory Redding is...the Black Hulk!

I can't believe Ochocinco found actual Bengals fans.

All hail Megatron!

Degree of difficulty: 9.8, but deductions for bent legs, causing too much splashback on entry.

Jerry Jones' future heir to the empire.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Week 1 Of The NFL Closes With A Sad Trombone

No two teams in the history of the National Football League know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory quite like the Buffalo Bills and Oakland Raiders.

For depressed Bills/Raiders fans, or for sadistic Patriots/Chargers fans, go here. Or, if you prefer, here.

Monday, September 14, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

Oh yeah, I am ready for some football. Anyone got any dollar bills?

Hey, Coach Singletary, you've got that look in your eye...please keep your pants on!

Ravens fans are fucking SCARY.

"Sweet Chin Music! Sweet Chin Music! Michaels! Michaels wins the title!"

Photo caption double-fail: "Marc Bugler #10 of the St. Louis Rams stands in the huddle against the Seattle Seahawks at Qwest Field on September 13, 2009 in Seattle, Washington".

"I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit. High school girls love me. 14 to 18, I'm a big star with them."

I don't mean to pick on the Rams, but damn, that's rough.

His mom was too cheap to get him a Rodgers jersey, and just handed him a roll of duct tape. Hello Wisconsin!

I know, emo boy. A rough first game. But it could be worse...

...you could be this guy.