Bitches Be Crazy

Apparently that old adage (OK, it's not old really, just something me and my roommate made up) applies even to mega-stars like Tiger Woods.

As you've probably heard by now, Tiger was involved in a minor car accident. He was treated at a local hospital for facial lacerations and released.

What is still up for debate is just how Tiger got said lacerations.

As usual, TMZ was on the story first, and continues to invade my life whether I like it or not (my co-workers LOVE the site):

The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV -- but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

Wow. I was just in Sweden this summer; didn't realize how loco their women are. I guess I'd be upset too if my meal ticket was crashing itself into a fire hydrant.

Anyway, the alleged affair story broke only a couple days ago, so it's highly unlikely that this is a coincidence, no matter how much the popular sports media tried to spin it as an "accident" or as a slanderous attack on a golden athlete.

Look, it's pretty obvious what happened here: Tiger "got it in the hole" on someone else's putting surface. Guess what? He's a rich and powerful man! Rich and powerful men do shit like this all the time; just cause he plays golf for a living doesn't mean he's not a weaselly weasel.

Sure, he married a Swedish model, and that should be enough. For most people. But not for Tiger, evidently.

This further proves my theory that superstar athletes should never get married. You can have all the Scandinavian bikini girls you want, with none of the eventual backlash when you wanna upgrade to the newest set of clubs, as it were.

The real winners in all this? The PGA. A bonafide scandal involving the most popular player in the history of the sport that has nothing to do with racism or sexism? Amazing! Cheating on your wife? John Daly calls that a Tuesday!

Dwyane Wade With No Regard For Anderson Varejao's Life

Move over Carmelo Anthony, we got a new dunk of the year!



Wow. Also, the French judge gave Varejao a 9.8 for the perfect jackknife somersault into the back of the net.

Clay Zavada: King of Movember

It is well established that November is pretty much the worst month of the year (with the possible exception of February, aka Febtober).

It has next to no redeeming qualities (cold, no holidays other than the somberfest that is Remembrance Day) and is especially depressing when the best day of the American calendar rolls around, that being the real Thanksgiving (face it, our Thanksgiving is weak; down there it's bigger than Christmas!)

So it's nice to know that someone is out there trying to help us get through the next 30 days...and that someone is Clay Zavada.

The Diamondbacks reliever was honoured this weekend for rocking the best baseball mustache since Rollie Fingers, capturing the coveted 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award from the American Mustache Institute.

Zavada beat out some stiff competition, including fellow mustachioed ballplayer Brendan Ryan and US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger, better known as the dude who landed that fucking plane in the fucking Hudson River.

So congrats to Zavada and his awesome labia sebucula (that's Latin for "lip sweater"; get your mind out of the gutter) for being a shining example for dudes who can grow facial hair everywhere.

And be sure to visit your local Movember website for all the latest mustache news, and to find out how you can donate to the cause or get involved.

Mark McGwire Is Back In Baseball, Except Not Really

Yes, the rumours are true: Mark McGwire is the new hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals.

And as is custom in sports, a press conference was held today to make everything all official-like.

One problem: Big Mac wasn't at the presser.

This is what I can't understand: you have a guy who's clearly trying to repair his tarnished image and get consideration for the Hall of Fame, hitching his wagon Tony Dungy-Michael Vick style to his friend Tony LaRussa, one of the most respected men in baseball.

So you'd think the least you could do to prevent any early skepticism is fucking show up to the thing!

Cards GM John Mozeliak says they're not trying to shield McGwire from questions about steroids: “By no means is he trying to hide, and by no means are we trying to hide him.”

Perhaps Mozeliak should look up the words "shield" and "by no means" in the dictionary (yes, my dictionary has words AND phrases, eat it).

If it was a scheduling conflict, why not hold the press conference so that he can actually be there?

Not exactly the start the Cards were hoping for with this move, especially considering La Russa has stated he's near the end of his managing career.

McGwire has been working with major league hitters in the offseason and has garnered praise for his approach, so who knows, this crazy idea might work.

For what it's worth, McGwire is a career .263 hitter, with a high of .312 in 1996 but also including two seasons at or below the Mendoza line (.201 in 1991 and a brutal .187 in his last year).

Looking forward to following this story in the offseason to see how much steroid juking McGwire will do, and to see whether or not this is as transparent as it appears.

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

My awareness for breast cancer isn't the only thing that's raised.

Nothing says charity like knee-high socks and hooker boots.

"OK guys, #26 over there, he's about 85 years old, so we'll go after him. And don't get cocky; these refs are better than the Lions.

Move over, Sage Rosenfels...make way for the Cutlercopter!

Take notes, Kim Kardashian.

Or you can try the "Korean Altar Boy".

Ike Taylor demonstrates his new defensive strategy, the Booting The Receiver In The Ass method.

The "Jacksonville Jump" doesn't have the same ring to it. Also, Santa's a Jags fan?

"You've won this round, Belichick, but we'll beat your ass in the AFC championship game!"

"...and we'll be waiting." *making the two finger eye pointing gesture*

Arrivederci Ricciardi

I was ready to write a whole diatribe on the Cito Gaston mutiny story being a symptom of a terrible organization...but then this happened, and yeah, it's a much bigger deal.

J.P. Ricciardi is no longer with the Blue Jays, and as much as I'd like to rip the man for fucking this franchise eight ways from Sunday, I can't bring myself to do it.

Fans and members of the media have short memories, and I recall the early days of J.P.'s tenure as being ones of unbridled enthusiasm and optimism. We gave J.P. plenty of rope, and instead of lassoing a playoff berth or two, he ended up hanging himself with it.

There's no question Ricciardi's last years with the club were an unmitigated disaster; from the ludicrous signings of B.J. Ryan, Frank Thomas, Alex Rios and Vernon Wells, to the Adam Dunn fiasco, to the poor handling of the Roy Halladay trade deadline situation, and finally the reported team mutiny towards manager Cito Gaston.

But now is not the time to kick a fired man's ass out the door. What needs to happen going forward for this team is a change in culture, similar to what is happening with Brian Burke and the Leafs (never thought I'd use the fucking Leafs as an example for how to improve management).

If it takes completely cleaning house, then I'm all for it. Paul Beeston will pick a successor soon, and that person should promptly start from scratch. There needs to be an attitude of winning, not one of complacency for being in a ball-busting division. No excuses, just play ball, all that sort of thing. It sounds simple, but for this franchise it would mark a significant shift in its outlook.

With the Jays' parent company Rogers losing money, the task will be a difficult one. The days of outspending the Yankees and Red Sox ended 15 years ago. But it has to happen. Fans are disillusioned and are making their voices heard by not showing up to the ballpark in droves. With the Leafs and Raptors improving, the Jays simply cannot afford to wallow in mediocrity any longer.

J.P. Ricciardi let the pressures of working in a seemingly no-win environment get to him, and it got him run out of town. I would be surprised if he ever got another GM gig, and he's got no one to blame but himself. Getting fired just two days before the end of the season puts a fitting bow on one of the worst Blue Jays seasons in recent memory, especially considering how promising it all started.

Something has to change. Undeniable dilemma.

The Jays Show Their Appreciation To Fans By Giving Them The Shaft

As a former Rogers employee (worked at the Dome for a couple years in ticket sales) I can personally attest to the company's general assbaggery.

But this takes the cake, or more accurately, the game-worn jersey:

From drunkjaysfans.com: Outrage! Fucking Outrage!