Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Jays Show Their Appreciation To Fans By Giving Them The Shaft

As a former Rogers employee (worked at the Dome for a couple years in ticket sales) I can personally attest to the company's general assbaggery.

But this takes the cake, or more accurately, the game-worn jersey:

From Outrage! Fucking Outrage!

Monday, September 28, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

Even when the Lions win, they kind of lose. That photographer's gonna have a nice shot of Matthew Stafford's bald spot.

To NFL Fan,

Les Grossman Tom Cruise

*Movie Announcer Voice*

This fall...Aaron Rodgers is...Ninja Quarterback!

The Lord revealed Himself to Vincent Jackson and two Miami defenders...and God said, "You stay classy, San Diego."

*terrible French accent*

"Ah, zut alors! Je deteste cornerbacks avec un nom hyphenated! La divorce c'est une chose terrible! Pensez aux enfants! Je dois facemask-toi!"

Ravens fans: still terrifying.

Ray Rice: "What is this differently-painted section of the field? Never been here before...wait, is this the endzone?!? I did it, I finally made it!"

OK Rams fans, are you ready for another week of crippingly inept football??? *setting off pyro*

First Pittsburgh, and now Indy...the AFC owns Kurt Warner's ass in primetime.

"Seasons of Loooooooooove!"

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Isotopes Win A Game! The Isotopes Win A Game!

Lions 19, Redskins 14. Detroit's first win in almost two years.

*Ford cars start flying off the lot*

*economy turns around*

I'm sure Jim Zorn is being fired as I type least he fucking should be. Wow.

Washington did win something in this game; the title of "Worst City In America" over Detroit. Congrats, DC: your cesspool is the cesspooliest!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Cockbag Of The Week: Jeff Suppan

I took a trip with two co-workers to New York a couple summers ago to catch the Jays at old Yankee Stadium. Naturally I wore my black Jays jersey in the left-field bleachers (which nearly got us killed) with Suppa 55 on the back (yeah I know, having your own name on a jersey is lame, fuck off, it was a gift!)

The two memorable jeers from that day: one guy yelling incredulously, "Who the fuck is Suppa?" and "Hey, Jeff Suppan plays for Milwaukee, you fucking idiot!"

While I was impressed by the fan's extensive knowledge of mediocre pitchers, it got me thinking: Jeff Suppan is a disgrace to 5/6ths of my last name.

Last night against the Phillies, Suppan continued to shame the name, giving up 8 runs on 12 hits in under 5 innings of work, good enough for his 11th loss of the year and a cascade of boos from the Milwaukee faithful as he was yanked.

Suppan has pitched for 15 years in the majors, and has been serviceable but not spectacular. His best year was probably 2005 with St. Louis; Cards pitching coach/sprinkler of fairy dust Dave Duncan was able to magically get 16 wins and an ERA near 3.50 out of him.

Suppan's three years with the Brewers have been pretty terrible, and the lowlights this season have been particularly dim: an ERA over 5, nearly as many walks (72) as strikeouts (76), and in just four of his 28 starts did he strike out at least five batters.

Suppan opened the year with two stinkbombs against the Giants and Cubs and never really recovered; in late July he surrendered 10 (!) runs to the fucking Nationals.

Oh yeah, his salary this season? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of 10 million bucks.

So fuck you, Jeff Suppan, for embarrassing 83% of our shared surname and for making more money than I will ever see in a lifetime for being a shitty pitcher.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Soviet Russia: Where Amazing Happens

North America's most global pro sports organization is about to get real global.

Russian tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to buy 80 per cent of the New Jersey Nets and move them to Brooklyn (take that, Jay-Z!), along with half of the project to build a new arena there.

(Side note: being known as a "tycoon" is one of the coolest titles a man can have. Right up there with "rockstar" and "international playboy.")

The 6-foot-6 Prokhorov is a former amateur baller, but there's no question he's been "ballin" for years now; he often rolls with an entourage of gorgeous women on private jets, and was questioned - but never charged - in a prostitution investigation.

How rich is this guy? He lost $7 billion in the global recession, and is still the wealthiest man in Russia. He makes Mark Cuban look like a CFL owner.

The Nets have been rumoured to be moving to the New York City borough for a while now, but it looks like it will finally be a reality. And with the proposed arena location a few miles from famed Russian enclave Brighton Beach, this appears to be, if you'll pardon the obvious reference, a slam dunk.

This I think is the real problem with the ongoing Phoenix Coyotes/Jim Balsillie saga. Sure, Balsillie is a kabillionaire, but he's a Canadian kabillionaire, which doesn't hold as much weight as, say, a Russian kabillionaire who may or may not control an underground prostitution ring. These guys get shit done; they wouldn't be taking guff from some retirement-community town.

Quasi-update: Wayne Gretzky stepped down as Coyotes head coach/director of player operations. Cancel all those #99 Gretzky jerseys, Hamilton!

Monday, September 21, 2009


A lot of handing off and wacky formations and obscenely high possession times...and the Dolphins are 0-2.

Sure, just like that one-night-stand you picked up at the local dive bar (shout out to the Underground) the Wildcat was good times, but you can't roll with that long-term. Unless you want chlamydia.

The Colts had the ball for less than 15 minutes and still won. That's the difference between an exciting offense and a good offense.

Miami is in serious danger of going from 1-15 to 11-5 back to 1-15...I hope J-Lo and the Williams sisters have an escape clause in their ownership contracts.

Oh, and a big fuck you to Ray Lewis for murdering the Chargers last night. Now I know how those two dudes at the 2000 Super Bowl party felt. Ba-zing!

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

"So I said to Cheney, 'Go ahead, shoot him in the face...we already got away with murder: we won two elections!"

*everyone bursts out laughing*

Not pictured: the 50 feet between LeBron and the ground.

Parachute dude, under his breath: "Mmmm, that sure is a Hall-of-Fame tight end..."

*Sharpe looks behind him* "What'd you say?"

"Uh, n-nothing!"

"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, coach! I wanna block the kick! Me! Meeeee!"

This cheerleader has a long career in shampoo commercials ahead of her.

Is he man or monster? Or is he both? Cory Redding is...the Black Hulk!

I can't believe Ochocinco found actual Bengals fans.

All hail Megatron!

Degree of difficulty: 9.8, but deductions for bent legs, causing too much splashback on entry.

Jerry Jones' future heir to the empire.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Week 1 Of The NFL Closes With A Sad Trombone

No two teams in the history of the National Football League know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory quite like the Buffalo Bills and Oakland Raiders.

For depressed Bills/Raiders fans, or for sadistic Patriots/Chargers fans, go here. Or, if you prefer, here.

Monday, September 14, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

Oh yeah, I am ready for some football. Anyone got any dollar bills?

Hey, Coach Singletary, you've got that look in your eye...please keep your pants on!

Ravens fans are fucking SCARY.

"Sweet Chin Music! Sweet Chin Music! Michaels! Michaels wins the title!"

Photo caption double-fail: "Marc Bugler #10 of the St. Louis Rams stands in the huddle against the Seattle Seahawks at Qwest Field on September 13, 2009 in Seattle, Washington".

"I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit. High school girls love me. 14 to 18, I'm a big star with them."

I don't mean to pick on the Rams, but damn, that's rough.

His mom was too cheap to get him a Rodgers jersey, and just handed him a roll of duct tape. Hello Wisconsin!

I know, emo boy. A rough first game. But it could be worse... could be this guy.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Serena Williams Is F@&%ing Crazy

Serena Williams was losing her match against Kim Clijsters, then she lost it, then she lost the match.

After being called for a rare foot fault which set up match point for Clijsters, Serena walked over to the umpire and unleashed a profanity-laced tirade, including "I will take this ball and shove it down your fucking throat."

Naturally, the tiny Asian lady umpire felt threatened, went over to the head referee, and Williams was given the tennis equivalent of the technical foul: a point penalty, which meant the match was over.

Serena didn't exactly react favourably to this news, especially when she was told what the umpire thought she said, "I didn't say I would kill you, are you serious?"

Serena threw her racket away and went over to congratulate Clijsters, and was seen to mumble "fucking bitch" as she chatted with Clijsters, who seemed stunned by what had just transpired, and rightfully so.

Williams then gave an Oscar-winning performance in the post-game press conference, saying the umpire was "confused" and pretty much tried to downplay the whole thing.

I'll come right out and say it: Serena Williams is a scary lady.

Dany Heatley Finally Jumps The Shark

After months of rumours hanging around the nation's capital like a lingering fart (actually, that's just how Ottawa smells), Dany Heatley is finally going to California.

The Senators traded the disgruntled winger to San Jose for Milan Michalek, the corpse of Jonathan Cheechoo and a second-rounder.

Is it a good deal for Ottawa? Well, not as good as the rumoured three-way deal involving the Kings that would have netted Alexander Frolov and Jarret Stoll, but this is probably the best haul they could have received with only one team in the picture.

Michalek will likely skate on a wing with Jason Spezza, which means his production shouldn't change much. As for Cheechoo, maybe a change of scenery will help; he only managed 35 goals the past two seasons and played his way off the top line with Joe Thornton.

Speaking of Thornton, he and Heatley should be absolutely deadly this season. Thornton has made marginal NHL talent look like top snipers, so Lord knows what he'll do with a legitimate 50-goal scorer on his wing.

Captain Patrick Marleau also stays in town after being a big part of the Heatley trade rumours, so this is a win-win situation for the Sharks, who will once again enter the season as favourites in the West and then find some way to fuck it all up despite having a ton of talent.

For the Sens, it marks the end of an era. When the team had trouble scoring (ie. pretty much all of last season) there was always the fallback option: reuniting the "Pizza Line" of Heatley, Spezza and Daniel Alfredsson.

Now with Heatley gone, Alfredsson turning 37 and Spezza becoming more and more of a whiny douchebag, Ottawa are in serious danger of missing the playoffs for a second straight season after 11 straight post-season appearances.

In other news, hope you like the new look. Nothing says "legitimate sports blog" like canary yellow text and vintage baseball card jpegs.

On Creepy Commentators and Great Baseball-Related Movies

So after a three-week European vacation that was bookended by a month of being a lazy fuck, it's time to get back below the line.

And what better way to return from a near two-month absence than with one of the greatest unintentionally hilarious videos of the year?

In this YouTube gem, former NFL wide receiver and current Monday Night Football commentator Cris Collinsworth speaks very, um, candidly about the type of girls (and I do mean girls) he goes after, now that he's bringing in the big-time bucks (side note: thank God the NFL is back. Sundays have meaning again).

And since it's 1984, the high comedy extends to the halftime segment's packaging, complete with Rod Stewart background music and a ridiculously constructed throw, which begins with a super-long pan down to the reporter "chatting" with other "party-goers".

Everything about this clip is fucking awesome, and is worth repeat viewings.

And speaking of repeat viewings, any fan of great sports movies (or great movies in general) should definitely check out the movie Sugar.

The film follows the story of Miguel "Sugar" Santos, a Dominican pitcher trying to make it to the big leagues and provide for his family living in poverty back home. But it's not really about baseball: it's about culture shock, loneliness, and a man who has to face reality when his life-long dream begins to fall apart.

Sugar is at its best when there's no dialogue whatsoever; Algenis Perez Soto's uncomprehending, mournful gaze at the foreign world around him is both incredibly emotional and compelling.

And for anyone who's played any sport long enough to consider themselves an ex-athlete, the moments when he questions himself and his abilities feel as real as your own.

Plus there's a special treat for baseball nuts: a cameo from former big-league pitcher Jose Rijo!

Sugar is out on DVD now, so go watch it: you will not be disappointed.

And oh yeah, five people were inducted to the Basketball Hall of Fame yesterday, including someone named Michael Jordan (hey, didn't he play for the White Sox?)

Tomorrow: the return of NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos! Enjoy Week 1!