Monday, December 29, 2008

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

The Bills reveal their commemorative Scott Norwood goal posts.

"Are we...did we just make...does this mean...the tie doesn't matter?"

There's way too much writing on the bags to make sense of any of it, but I think the take-home message is that the Jets eat cock.

"Kurt, I'll tell you now what I told you in '94 at Packers training camp...I'm NOT into it."

If the Ravens and Eagles meet in the Super Bowl...

...the fan death count will be in the thousands.

"Gardening, motherfucker! I love horticulture!"

The lineup for the 0-16 Post-Game Buffet, aka the highlight of Detroit's season.

"You're exactly right, Joe...these girls are sluts, no question about it."

So long, 2008 NFL Regular Season!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Part 2 of The Battle To See Which 8-8 Team Will Undeservingly Make The Playoffs

With Ed Hochuli over 2000 miles away in Green Bay overseeing the completion of the worst 16-game performance in NFL history, Chargers fans can put their screwjob conspiracy theories away and be thankful that they control their own destiny, despite being 4-8 a month ago.

The Chargers are 8 1/2 point favourites, which is somewhat terrifying; no team playing a critical game whilst coached by Norv Turner should be such a high fav.

Nevertheless, a win would mean vindication and justice served for a San Diego team that has had more bad breaks than Elijah Price.

Plus there's the potential added bonus of having an 8-8 Chargers team get in ahead of an 11-5 team, possibly the Patriots.

Nothing would be sweeter than seeing my Chargers in the playoffs with a .500 record, the Pats out - and hearing retahded Bahston fans whine that it's unfair. Fuck you, ya cheating chowdahheads.

Chargers! Broncos! Two teams that are lucky to even be in this position! Cockbag quarterbacks that you love anyway!

It's Sunday Night Football (thanks to flex scheduling) on NBC!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Cockbag of the Week: Pot Of Gold Excellence

Getting a box of Pot of Gold chocolates has been a Christmas tradition in the Suppa household for many years. Even after I moved out, I could always count on seeing the P.O.G sticking out of my stocking every Christmas.

But on the night of Christmas Eve, my cheatin' chocolate heart got the best of me.

My mother had received a box of Pot of Gold Excellence from one of her kindergarten students, and years of receiving such choco-based gifts has removed any and all of her interest in them. So I figured, she won't miss this box one bit, knowing full well that I had my very own box waiting for me upstairs.

I took the box downstairs, where I stayed up till the wee hours of Christmas morning eating from the tree of forbidden chocolate knowledge and watching the movie Gia.

A few hours later, our family sat around the tree to open presents, and sure enough, a brand new box of Pot of Gold Excellence was there in my stocking to greet me.

And that is when things went terribly wrong.

After my new tradition of taking a nap while the rest of the family goes to church, I awoke with a terrible case of the runs, which carried over through all of Christmas Day, rendering me unable to enjoy the night's meat-and-pasta-laden dinner.

Sure it could have been the half bag of BBQ Ruffles potato chips I was also eating with the chocolates, or the traditional Italian seven-fish Christmas Eve dinner, or the three bottles of Chinotto that accompanied said dinner.

But I know in my heart of hearts that it was the box of Pot of Gold Excellence, jealous that I had an affair with the other box, that did me in.

It's still sealed in my bedroom, and it will be many days before I can muster the courage to crack it open.

So a warning to my fellow Christmas-time chocoholics: never take on a choco-mistress, for your sins will be discovered, and hell hath no fury like a Pot of Gold scorned.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Grinch Wears Pinstripes

Just in time for Christmas, the New York Yankees have dropped a lump of coal in the stockings of non-Yankee baseball fans everywhere.

*sniff sniff* Wait...that's not coal!

The New York Yankees now have the four largest contracts in Major League Baseball (A-Rod, Jeter, Sabathia, Teixeira).

The Teixeira deal came just a few hours after the Yankees were handed a $26.9 million luxury tax bill, which is almost exactly the entire payroll of the 2008 Florida Marlins.

Who says there's a recession?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Broncos Lose Two More Running Backs; In Other News, The Sun Came Up Today

The football gods are trying to tell Mike Shanahan something: quit fucking around with your running back depth chart.

The Broncos added Selvin Young and P.J. Pope to the already lengthy list of Denver backs on the IR, bringing the number to a whopping seven.

SEVEN injured running backs?!? That is beyond chance.

This is a clear message to Coach Shanahan that the fantasy world is sick and tired of him naming a different #1 RB every goddamn year, only to totally lose faith in him and end up promoting the 5th-string guy to the top spot by the end of training camp.

The guy goes through tailbacks like Hugh Hefner goes through blondes: several at a time.

Remember Olandis Gary? Quentin Griffin? Reuben Droughns? Shanny nearly went with Homer Simpson one year.

The last man standing in the backfield (for now) is underwear-stealer Tatum Bell; Denver has signed a couple of complete nobodies to back him up.

Sadly, the lack of a running game might actually help the Broncos this Sunday against the Chargers, who have a sorry excuse for a pass defense.

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

I think we found the solution to the world's economic crisis: have the NFL run all year round, with a five beer minimum per spectator.

Cortland Finnegan knocking the yellow out of Hines Ward...wait, is that racist? Yeah, that's probably racist.

Hey, Marc the bondage sessions for after the game.

Incidentally, NOT what Herm Edwards was going for with the "We can build on this!!!" speech.

Most unnecessary question mark ever.

"Good luck with retirement, coach."

"Thanks too..."

*eyes meet*


*both break out into uncontrollable laughter*

"So, see you next year?"

"Yeah, see ya next year."

Unbeknownst to Cards fans, Will Ferrell passed Matt Leinart on the depth chart back in Week 13.

The 2008 St. Louis Rams: Everyone's Bitch

"Ho ho HO,'ve been naughty AND nice!"

Looks like Ricky found a way to turn his helmet into a bong.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mission Accomplished

See you next week, Cutlerfucker!

Part 1 of The Battle To See Which 8-8 Team Will Undeservingly Make The Playoffs

Some inspirational quotes ahead of the biggest game of the season for my San Diego Chargers:
"We've got to win or we can forget it." - Chargers QB Philip Rivers

"We have to win. They have to win, and somebody's going to win." - Bucs coach Jon Gruden

Wooooo! I am JACKED now.

Derrick Mason is a BEAST

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Fantasy Hockey Tip For December: Get Flyers

Every so often in fantasy leagues you run across "the homer": the dude who picks everyone from his favourite team.

That dude usually gets laughed at, and usually with good reason. Regardless of how good you think your team is, having a ton of guys from that team is rarely a smart strategy.

Rarely...but not never. I encourage you to go out and grab any available Philadelphia Flyers you can get your hands on, because these guys are ri-goddamn-diculous right now.

Philly has 38 goals so far in the month of December, and have scored at least five goals in four of their last five games.

Obviously you won't find guys like Jeff Carter or Simon Gagne on the waiver wire, but your Scott Hartnells and Joffrey Lupuls of the world might still be out there. Both Hartnell and Lupul had four points in a 7-1 thumping of the Washington Capitals.

The Flyers also have nearly double the shorthanded goals of any team in the NHL, so if your league has that stat, you would do well to pick up or trade for a Flyer or two.

One of the dudes in my hockey league has achieved a Borat level of great success with the strategy: his Flyer-heavy lineup has catapulted him three spots in the standings this month.

Just pretend it's 1995 and that every Flyer is on the Legion of Doom line.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm not a mathematician...

...but let's see if we can work this equation out together:

Toronto Raptors (TOR) > Oklahoma City Thunder (OKC)

OKC = The worst team in the NBA

if OKC = 91 and TOR = 83,

then OKC > TOR,

and TOR = The worst team in the NBA

I dropped out of calculus in my senior year of high school, so I could be wrong here...but I think I've got it.

Cockbag of the Week: David Garrard

Everyone who's played fantasy football has that team (or that guy) who loves to do the exact opposite of what you want them (or him) to do. For me, that team is the Minnesota Vikings: every time I pick them to win, they lose, and vice-versa.

Every. Goddamn. Time.

David Garrard might not be on the Vikings, but I know that deep down he's a Purple People Eater.

Garrard was drafted as my #1 QB in both my leagues, but after maddeningly inconsistent outputs, the likes of Kyle Orton, Trent Edwards, and eventually Tyler Thigpen and Matt Ryan supplanted him for the stretch run. Despite his asshattery, I managed to reach the finals in both leagues.

And then a funny thing happened: Garrard decided to be awesome. #9 totalled 40 fantasy points whilst on my bench in the last two weeks.

Even worse, he vultured my boy Maurice Jones-Drew's goal-line touchdown on Thursday, with an agonizingly slow plunge into the end zone on 3rd and 2. His first rushing TD since Week 4, incidentally. My co-worker and I, both MoJo owners, cursed Garrard's ill-timed score.

If either Thigpen or Ryan shit the bed, the fantasy anchor known as David Garrard will have finally brought down the good ship Suppachargers.

I would suggest you die in a fire, DG, but it seems your never-ending supply of dude sweat would douse the flames.

So I'll have to take a page from one Les Grossman, tell you to take a step back (preferably out of the end zone) and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.

It's been over two years...

...which is long enough to declare legally dead.

That might not actually be true; it might actually be from an Austin Powers movie.

The point is, Below The Mendoza Line is back.

The sports blog that was cool before sports blogs were cool (note: also not true) is back.

The return that no one asked for!

Below The Mendoza Line! Back! Sports!