Monday, February 23, 2009

The Pittsburgh Pirates Will Apparently Make The World Series

...because Eric Hinske is on the team, and Hinske has been to the last two World Series.

This story made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Can Hinske bring his magic to young Pirates?

By "magic", do you mean his .250 AVG and 15 HR a year?

Check out some of the lines in this Hinske puff piece:

"Hinske has become a human good-luck charm."

"Rays manager Joe Maddon has said Hinske’s calming influence and advice were crucial to [Evan] Longoria’s sudden impact."

"Eric gives us a guy who can talk about what it’s like to play on a winner, what it takes to prepare to be a winner. We can’t depend solely on him, but he can be important to us."

"Good clubs have veterans such as Hinske, who know when is the right time to whisper encouragement in a tough time or get on a teammate for a bone-headed play."

"Hinske was the club’s biggest offseason player acquisition."

This is Eric Fucking Hinske we're talking about here! This is the guy who made the final out of the 2008 Series. This is the guy who has been absolute garbage since his Rookie of the Year campaign with the Jays.

And all of a sudden he's some fucking guru?

Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

No wonder the Pirates' franchise is a mess: their talent gauge is busted.

Friday, February 20, 2009

The A-Rod Steroid Scandal Finally Hits Home

From the New York Daily News:

"In addition to A-Rod, Presinal has worked with some of the game's biggest stars: Juan Gonzalez, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, Vladimir Guerrero, Bartolo Colon, Miguel Tejada, Adrian Beltre, Moises Alou, Jose Guillen, Ervin Santana, Ruben Sierra, Francisco Cordero, Jose Mesa and Juan Guzman, among others."

The Jheri Curl was on steroids?!? My life no longer makes sense.

Mon Dieu!

Huge Off-Ice Story Expected To Break Friday Morning

...en francais

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Nats Get 'Er Dunn

The Washington Nationals finally pulled the trigger (or the other side finally surrendered) and signed slugger Adam Dunn to a two-year deal reportedly worth $20 million.

Dunn fills a huge hole in the Nats lineup, which actually doesn't look too bad now, with the addition of Josh Willingham and the possible emergence of Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes.

It's no secret to those who know me or used to read my now-defunct blog on (back when baseball was at least a blip on our radar) that I have a soft spot for The Big Donkey.

I have his Cincinnati Reds jersey. I would have gone into cardiac arrest if the Jays had signed him (thanks for fucking that up, J.P.) and he's one of my keepers in my upcoming fantasy baseball league.

I wrote a piece suggesting we should all live our lives the way Adam Dunn plays baseball; you either hit a home run, you strike out, or you take a walk.

I even went so far as to start the Church of Adam Dunn (Members to date: 2; me, and Nats GM Jim Bowden)

Dunn has his critics, but the Nats clearly needed some left-handed power in their lineup, and he will provide that in spades.

Plus Nationals Park is much more favourable to hitters than RFK was, so there's no indication that Dunn's numbers will drop off at all.

I'll go ahead and pencil in another 40/100 season for Dunn on the as-yet-to-be-named 2009 fantasy team (I'm leaning towards The Spoljarichaholics).

And in other news, apparently Robbie Alomar has AIDS. All fans of Khaki Snack should probably urge Dave Messer to go get tested. (inside joke)

***BREAKING NEWS*** The Jays just signed Kevin Millar. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Jays Have Crazy Bush

Apparently the Jays couldn't go too long without a little Bush in their lives.

They've acquired shortstop-turned-pitcher-turned-violent-douchebag Matt Bush from the Padres for a bag of balls (aka Dirk Hayhurst).

And what a pedigree this kid has!

"Two weeks after he was drafted, Bush was suspended indefinitely by the Padres after he was arrested at a bar across the street from the team’s complex in Peoria, Ariz. Among the charges were underage drinking and that he bit one of the bouncers who tried to escort him out of the bar."

Oh, and then there's this.

Apparently this is how desperate the Jays are for pitching; trading for flameout #1 picks (while at the same time jettisoning our own failed first-rounders).

Anyway, please distract yourself with this ode to Crazy Bush, performed by two of the greatest Toronto-area entertainers of this generation:

"Crazy bush never hurt anybody, it only brought people together."

Monday, February 02, 2009

A Great Weekend For Smokers Everywhere

Enjoy this, you guys. You'll never have a better couple of days.

First eleventy-billion-time gold medal winner Michael Phelps is caught on camera testing the limits of his lung capacity (which must be HUGE).

Then Steelers wideout and well-known pot head Santonio Holmes wins Super Bowl MVP.

And after the game, what did a bunch of Steelers do? You guessed it...

Smoke em if you got em, folks.