Friday, December 19, 2008

Cockbag of the Week: David Garrard

Everyone who's played fantasy football has that team (or that guy) who loves to do the exact opposite of what you want them (or him) to do. For me, that team is the Minnesota Vikings: every time I pick them to win, they lose, and vice-versa.

Every. Goddamn. Time.

David Garrard might not be on the Vikings, but I know that deep down he's a Purple People Eater.

Garrard was drafted as my #1 QB in both my leagues, but after maddeningly inconsistent outputs, the likes of Kyle Orton, Trent Edwards, and eventually Tyler Thigpen and Matt Ryan supplanted him for the stretch run. Despite his asshattery, I managed to reach the finals in both leagues.

And then a funny thing happened: Garrard decided to be awesome. #9 totalled 40 fantasy points whilst on my bench in the last two weeks.

Even worse, he vultured my boy Maurice Jones-Drew's goal-line touchdown on Thursday, with an agonizingly slow plunge into the end zone on 3rd and 2. His first rushing TD since Week 4, incidentally. My co-worker and I, both MoJo owners, cursed Garrard's ill-timed score.

If either Thigpen or Ryan shit the bed, the fantasy anchor known as David Garrard will have finally brought down the good ship Suppachargers.

I would suggest you die in a fire, DG, but it seems your never-ending supply of dude sweat would douse the flames.

So I'll have to take a page from one Les Grossman, tell you to take a step back (preferably out of the end zone) and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.

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