Monday, September 28, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos


Even when the Lions win, they kind of lose. That photographer's gonna have a nice shot of Matthew Stafford's bald spot.


To NFL Fan,

www.scientology.org

Les Grossman Tom Cruise


*Movie Announcer Voice*

This fall...Aaron Rodgers is...Ninja Quarterback!


The Lord revealed Himself to Vincent Jackson and two Miami defenders...and God said, "You stay classy, San Diego."


*terrible French accent*

"Ah, zut alors! Je deteste cornerbacks avec un nom hyphenated! La divorce c'est une chose terrible! Pensez aux enfants! Je dois facemask-toi!"


Ravens fans: still terrifying.


Ray Rice: "What is this differently-painted section of the field? Never been here before...wait, is this the endzone?!? I did it, I finally made it!"


OK Rams fans, are you ready for another week of crippingly inept football??? *setting off pyro*


First Pittsburgh, and now Indy...the AFC owns Kurt Warner's ass in primetime.


"Seasons of Loooooooooove!"

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Isotopes Win A Game! The Isotopes Win A Game!


Lions 19, Redskins 14. Detroit's first win in almost two years.

*Ford cars start flying off the lot*

*economy turns around*

I'm sure Jim Zorn is being fired as I type this...at least he fucking should be. Wow.

Washington did win something in this game; the title of "Worst City In America" over Detroit. Congrats, DC: your cesspool is the cesspooliest!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Cockbag Of The Week: Jeff Suppan

I took a trip with two co-workers to New York a couple summers ago to catch the Jays at old Yankee Stadium. Naturally I wore my black Jays jersey in the left-field bleachers (which nearly got us killed) with Suppa 55 on the back (yeah I know, having your own name on a jersey is lame, fuck off, it was a gift!)

The two memorable jeers from that day: one guy yelling incredulously, "Who the fuck is Suppa?" and "Hey, Jeff Suppan plays for Milwaukee, you fucking idiot!"

While I was impressed by the fan's extensive knowledge of mediocre pitchers, it got me thinking: Jeff Suppan is a disgrace to 5/6ths of my last name.

Last night against the Phillies, Suppan continued to shame the name, giving up 8 runs on 12 hits in under 5 innings of work, good enough for his 11th loss of the year and a cascade of boos from the Milwaukee faithful as he was yanked.

Suppan has pitched for 15 years in the majors, and has been serviceable but not spectacular. His best year was probably 2005 with St. Louis; Cards pitching coach/sprinkler of fairy dust Dave Duncan was able to magically get 16 wins and an ERA near 3.50 out of him.

Suppan's three years with the Brewers have been pretty terrible, and the lowlights this season have been particularly dim: an ERA over 5, nearly as many walks (72) as strikeouts (76), and in just four of his 28 starts did he strike out at least five batters.

Suppan opened the year with two stinkbombs against the Giants and Cubs and never really recovered; in late July he surrendered 10 (!) runs to the fucking Nationals.

Oh yeah, his salary this season? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of 10 million bucks.

So fuck you, Jeff Suppan, for embarrassing 83% of our shared surname and for making more money than I will ever see in a lifetime for being a shitty pitcher.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Soviet Russia: Where Amazing Happens

North America's most global pro sports organization is about to get real global.

Russian tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to buy 80 per cent of the New Jersey Nets and move them to Brooklyn (take that, Jay-Z!), along with half of the project to build a new arena there.

(Side note: being known as a "tycoon" is one of the coolest titles a man can have. Right up there with "rockstar" and "international playboy.")

The 6-foot-6 Prokhorov is a former amateur baller, but there's no question he's been "ballin" for years now; he often rolls with an entourage of gorgeous women on private jets, and was questioned - but never charged - in a prostitution investigation.

How rich is this guy? He lost $7 billion in the global recession, and is still the wealthiest man in Russia. He makes Mark Cuban look like a CFL owner.

The Nets have been rumoured to be moving to the New York City borough for a while now, but it looks like it will finally be a reality. And with the proposed arena location a few miles from famed Russian enclave Brighton Beach, this appears to be, if you'll pardon the obvious reference, a slam dunk.

This I think is the real problem with the ongoing Phoenix Coyotes/Jim Balsillie saga. Sure, Balsillie is a kabillionaire, but he's a Canadian kabillionaire, which doesn't hold as much weight as, say, a Russian kabillionaire who may or may not control an underground prostitution ring. These guys get shit done; they wouldn't be taking guff from some retirement-community town.

Quasi-update: Wayne Gretzky stepped down as Coyotes head coach/director of player operations. Cancel all those #99 Gretzky jerseys, Hamilton!

Monday, September 21, 2009

WILDCATFAIL


A lot of handing off and wacky formations and obscenely high possession times...and the Dolphins are 0-2.

Sure, just like that one-night-stand you picked up at the local dive bar (shout out to the Underground) the Wildcat was good times, but you can't roll with that long-term. Unless you want chlamydia.

The Colts had the ball for less than 15 minutes and still won. That's the difference between an exciting offense and a good offense.

Miami is in serious danger of going from 1-15 to 11-5 back to 1-15...I hope J-Lo and the Williams sisters have an escape clause in their ownership contracts.

Oh, and a big fuck you to Ray Lewis for murdering the Chargers last night. Now I know how those two dudes at the 2000 Super Bowl party felt. Ba-zing!

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos


"So I said to Cheney, 'Go ahead, shoot him in the face...we already got away with murder: we won two elections!"

*everyone bursts out laughing*


Not pictured: the 50 feet between LeBron and the ground.


Parachute dude, under his breath: "Mmmm, that sure is a Hall-of-Fame tight end..."

*Sharpe looks behind him* "What'd you say?"

"Uh, n-nothing!"


"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, coach! I wanna block the kick! Me! Meeeee!"


This cheerleader has a long career in shampoo commercials ahead of her.


Is he man or monster? Or is he both? Cory Redding is...the Black Hulk!


I can't believe Ochocinco found actual Bengals fans.


All hail Megatron!


Degree of difficulty: 9.8, but deductions for bent legs, causing too much splashback on entry.


Jerry Jones' future heir to the empire.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Week 1 Of The NFL Closes With A Sad Trombone




No two teams in the history of the National Football League know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory quite like the Buffalo Bills and Oakland Raiders.

For depressed Bills/Raiders fans, or for sadistic Patriots/Chargers fans, go here. Or, if you prefer, here.

Monday, September 14, 2009

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos


Oh yeah, I am ready for some football. Anyone got any dollar bills?


Hey, Coach Singletary, you've got that look in your eye...please keep your pants on!


Ravens fans are fucking SCARY.


"Sweet Chin Music! Sweet Chin Music! Michaels! Michaels wins the title!"


Photo caption double-fail: "Marc Bugler #10 of the St. Louis Rams stands in the huddle against the Seattle Seahawks at Qwest Field on September 13, 2009 in Seattle, Washington".


"I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit. High school girls love me. 14 to 18, I'm a big star with them."


I don't mean to pick on the Rams, but damn, that's rough.


His mom was too cheap to get him a Rodgers jersey, and just handed him a roll of duct tape. Hello Wisconsin!


I know, emo boy. A rough first game. But it could be worse...


...you could be this guy.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Serena Williams Is F@&%ing Crazy


Serena Williams was losing her match against Kim Clijsters, then she lost it, then she lost the match.

After being called for a rare foot fault which set up match point for Clijsters, Serena walked over to the umpire and unleashed a profanity-laced tirade, including "I will take this ball and shove it down your fucking throat."

Naturally, the tiny Asian lady umpire felt threatened, went over to the head referee, and Williams was given the tennis equivalent of the technical foul: a point penalty, which meant the match was over.

Serena didn't exactly react favourably to this news, especially when she was told what the umpire thought she said, "I didn't say I would kill you, are you serious?"

Serena threw her racket away and went over to congratulate Clijsters, and was seen to mumble "fucking bitch" as she chatted with Clijsters, who seemed stunned by what had just transpired, and rightfully so.

Williams then gave an Oscar-winning performance in the post-game press conference, saying the umpire was "confused" and pretty much tried to downplay the whole thing.

I'll come right out and say it: Serena Williams is a scary lady.

Dany Heatley Finally Jumps The Shark

After months of rumours hanging around the nation's capital like a lingering fart (actually, that's just how Ottawa smells), Dany Heatley is finally going to California.

The Senators traded the disgruntled winger to San Jose for Milan Michalek, the corpse of Jonathan Cheechoo and a second-rounder.

Is it a good deal for Ottawa? Well, not as good as the rumoured three-way deal involving the Kings that would have netted Alexander Frolov and Jarret Stoll, but this is probably the best haul they could have received with only one team in the picture.

Michalek will likely skate on a wing with Jason Spezza, which means his production shouldn't change much. As for Cheechoo, maybe a change of scenery will help; he only managed 35 goals the past two seasons and played his way off the top line with Joe Thornton.

Speaking of Thornton, he and Heatley should be absolutely deadly this season. Thornton has made marginal NHL talent look like top snipers, so Lord knows what he'll do with a legitimate 50-goal scorer on his wing.

Captain Patrick Marleau also stays in town after being a big part of the Heatley trade rumours, so this is a win-win situation for the Sharks, who will once again enter the season as favourites in the West and then find some way to fuck it all up despite having a ton of talent.

For the Sens, it marks the end of an era. When the team had trouble scoring (ie. pretty much all of last season) there was always the fallback option: reuniting the "Pizza Line" of Heatley, Spezza and Daniel Alfredsson.

Now with Heatley gone, Alfredsson turning 37 and Spezza becoming more and more of a whiny douchebag, Ottawa are in serious danger of missing the playoffs for a second straight season after 11 straight post-season appearances.

In other news, hope you like the new look. Nothing says "legitimate sports blog" like canary yellow text and vintage baseball card jpegs.

On Creepy Commentators and Great Baseball-Related Movies

So after a three-week European vacation that was bookended by a month of being a lazy fuck, it's time to get back below the line.

And what better way to return from a near two-month absence than with one of the greatest unintentionally hilarious videos of the year?

In this YouTube gem, former NFL wide receiver and current Monday Night Football commentator Cris Collinsworth speaks very, um, candidly about the type of girls (and I do mean girls) he goes after, now that he's bringing in the big-time bucks (side note: thank God the NFL is back. Sundays have meaning again).

And since it's 1984, the high comedy extends to the halftime segment's packaging, complete with Rod Stewart background music and a ridiculously constructed throw, which begins with a super-long pan down to the reporter "chatting" with other "party-goers".



Everything about this clip is fucking awesome, and is worth repeat viewings.

And speaking of repeat viewings, any fan of great sports movies (or great movies in general) should definitely check out the movie Sugar.


The film follows the story of Miguel "Sugar" Santos, a Dominican pitcher trying to make it to the big leagues and provide for his family living in poverty back home. But it's not really about baseball: it's about culture shock, loneliness, and a man who has to face reality when his life-long dream begins to fall apart.

Sugar is at its best when there's no dialogue whatsoever; Algenis Perez Soto's uncomprehending, mournful gaze at the foreign world around him is both incredibly emotional and compelling.

And for anyone who's played any sport long enough to consider themselves an ex-athlete, the moments when he questions himself and his abilities feel as real as your own.

Plus there's a special treat for baseball nuts: a cameo from former big-league pitcher Jose Rijo!

Sugar is out on DVD now, so go watch it: you will not be disappointed.

And oh yeah, five people were inducted to the Basketball Hall of Fame yesterday, including someone named Michael Jordan (hey, didn't he play for the White Sox?)

Tomorrow: the return of NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos! Enjoy Week 1!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Billy Wagner To Mets' Fans: "Expect Absolutely Nothing From Me"


Sometimes the smallest stories are the most hilarious.

Take for example, the "news" that Billy Wagner could make his return from Tommy John surgery later this season.

Which is nice, until the New York Post asked Wagner what the chances of that actually happening are, and Wags starting making with the excuses, in descending order of bleakness:

- He doesn't think he'll be setting up Francisco Rodriguez this season.

- He insisted he won't be a bullpen cure-all when he returns.

- He doesn't believe he's headed for a major role with the Mets, and will probably be used sporadically.

- He's only thrown to hitters about "eight or nine times" since last September, so even if he comes back, he'll be rusty.

- He admitted he won't be able to help at all if he can't bounce back well from the surgery.

- He's still waiting for the Jax-from-Mortal-Kombat bionic arm implant to come in the mail.

Ok, I made that last one up. I can't blame Wagner, really; who would want to come back and pitch for the trainwreck that is the New York Metropolitans?

As awesome as a Wagner/J.J. Putz/K-Rod bullpen would be, the chances of it ever coming together is a longshot at best, especially when you consider that the Mets are fourth in the NL East with eight teams ahead of them in the Wild-Card race.

Still, I'm looking forward to Wagner's return, if only for the inevitable "See, I Told You Not To Expect Anything!" stories come September, just in time for the Mets' annual collapse.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

B.J. Ryan Released, Fans Rejoice


Amidst the Roy Halladay trade buzz/impending apocalypse, a ray of sunshine warmed Jays fans' hearts today, as former closer/current pile of crap B.J. Ryan was given his unconditional release.

It used to be when Ryan entered a ballgame, the reaction was: "Fuck yeah! This game is OVER!" But this year every time Ryan came in from the pen, fans were more like: "Ah fuck. This game is over."

The Beej underwent Tommy John surgery in '07 and has looked like a husk of a shell of his former self since. Ryan was openly frustrated about his role this season, and felt he needed frequent work to regain his rhythm.

Cito Gaston clearly wasn't buying that load of B.S. from B.J.

The team will still have to pay Ryan (wince) $10 million for 2010, but it's a number I'm willing to eat if it means never seeing this fucko pitch for the Jays again.

Replacing Ryan on the roster is current closer and our Lord and saviour Scott Downs, who looks to be recovered from his obsessively-reported toe injury.

Some positive news on a day where the Jays could drop to .500 for what feels like the first time since April. There's hope yet!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

J.P. Ricciardi Wants To Ruin The Jays Franchise


Yes, it's early July, and yes, the Jays are pretty much out of the playoff race again.

Six games out of the wild card at the All-Star Break isn't insurmountable, but given the usual gaggle of teams the Jays would have to jump ahead of, it's a much bigger deficit than it appears.

And today the last shred of good will that the team built up from its hot start was erased today, as GM J.P. Ricciardi publicly stated that the team would listen to offers for Roy Halladay.

Ricciardi can cover his ass all he wants with the "We're just listening" statements, but what he's really saying is that the Jays are giving up, and headed towards seller mode.

I don't blame him for being realistic, but trading Halladay would be the worst thing to happen to this franchise in at least 10 years. I don't care what kind of package he gets back; nothing short of the sun, moon, and stars is enough for a pitcher that many consider to be the best in baseball (especially everyone in the A.L. East).

If J.P. can find some sucker to take Vernon Wells and/or Alex Rios off the Jays' hands, by all means do it. But over the past 2-3 years, it's become pretty apparent that no other pitcher on the Jays' roster is at all reliable, and sending away Doc would condemn the team to an ever lower level of mediocrity than in recent years.

I was a big Ricciardi guy when he got here, but since then he has done everything possible to make me dislike him, including the whole saga with my boy Adam Dunn. This would be the final straw.

He's been GM for almost eight years (!) and has virtually nothing to show for it. Second and third place results don't count; I know that's not very Canadian, but fuck that, we haven't won shit.

It's time to let someone else take the controls, before he does the unthinkable and blows this franchise sky high.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Big Jester & The King Together At Last

Well, this oughta upstage the draft, eh?

While the reactions to this trade are mixed at best, the most significant storyline regarding Big Diesel's move to Ohio concerns one LeBron James, and how 2009-10 is now about 95% likely to be his last in Cleveland.

Shaq has one year left on his contract, and is clearly being brought in at the behest of King James as a sign to the NBA that he wants to win next year, and will not accept anything less from his subjects. If they fail to deliver, he is on the next G5 to JFK or whereever else he deems worthy to re-establish his kingdom.

But even if the Cavaliers take it all next season (and obviously this move makes them serious favourites), you have to believe that LBJ will say, "Goodnight Cleveland! Thanks for the ONE ring!" and book it out of town.

I'm patiently awaiting the newest video from the wonderful people at Cleveland Tourism on the deal that guarantees one more year of people caring about their city.

Joey Votto Is A Person First, And A Ballplayer Second


Sometimes as sports fans we lose sight of what is really important. Sometimes we forget that the athletes we idolize and/or villify are people too, with everyday problems.

And sometimes those problems can become too much to bear. That's what happened to Joey Votto.

His father passed away last August, and almost a year later, it finally hit him. And it hit him hard.

Unable to fully deal with the grief of losing his father, Votto tried to push the feelings away and just play baseball. But after nearly a year of that, the emotions became overwhelming, and after Votto got an upper respiratory infection and had to be hospitalized, the emotions finally broke him.

Votto addressed the Toronto media this week, in a courageous interview, telling reporters the details of his depression, of his anxiety attacks, of the loss of his desire to play baseball, and of the road to recovery upon which he still walks.

What was perhaps most remarkable was the way Votto began the press conference, asking that no members of the media attempt to contact his family or friends about his issues, lest they answer to him.

This wasn't a threat; it was a family man asking other family men and women to respect his wishes. And with good reason.

Because what Votto has had to go through on a daily basis has been exacerbated by the actions of so-called "fans" berating him during his illness, calling him soft, a pussy, or even gay.

These actions, while they are despicable and cowardly, are hardly unexpected, given the strangely intimate relationship fans now share with athletes, for better or for worse.

Gone are the days where an athlete's personal life is one of mystery and intrigue. With the surge in popularity of fantasy sports and the rise of social networking websites like Twitter and Facebook, every sordid detail of an athlete or celebrity's goings-on is well-documented and commented upon.

I myself am guilty of this to a degree. I have Votto on my fantasy team, and I recall being upset earlier in the season that he couldn't get over a goddamn ear infection, not remembering the things he had gone through, not long over half a year earlier. For that I am truly sorry.

What embarrasses me most is that I also went to school with Joey Votto. While I didn't know him well at all, I knew the kind of person he was: a quiet, reserved Italian kid that was deeply close to his family. I grew up with 20 Joey Vottos.

I could not begin to imagine his pain; no one should have to deal with the loss
of a parent at such a young age.

Stories like this are not often told about athletes, especially not now; we the media are more concerned with performance, or with off-the-field shenanigans, or with big-money contracts being earned or not earned.

But stories like this should be told, because they bring to light that athletes and celebrities are just people, no different from you or me, and that's what good journalism is all about: telling compelling stories about people.

So get well soon, Joey, and good luck. You're a heck of a ballplayer, but more importantly, you're a good man. Your father would be proud.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Halladay, Downs, Janssen All On DL, Fans All Off Bandwagon



Jesus. This is getting ugly.

Jeremy Accardo, Brad Mills and a 51-to-be-named-later have been called up to plug the holes.

And the timing couldn't be better...just as the NHL and NBA finish up, Toronto fairweather fans check up on the Jays and see that three more pitchers are hurt!

Better get to Gate 9 early!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Lakers Win, Kobe Wins Without Shaq, Now Let's All Move On



There. Can we stop talking about it now? Great.

So, what else we got?

*checking schedule*

*seeing nothing but mid-summer baseball for months*

*checking AL East standings*

Um...when does the NFL start? Not for another three months? Awesome.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Sidney Crosby Is A Stanley Cup Champion And Roy Halladay Is Hurt


...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Anyway, congrats to the Pens, who quite simply played a better Game 7 than Detroit, and since the series came down to one game, they deserved the win.

And yeah, Halladay left his start tonight with a tweaked groin. Mass panic ensued (scroll down to the comments at about 8 PM) and rightfully so.

The Jays traditionally head right into the tank whenever the Doc is not in (just cause he has the nickname doesn't mean he has to take impromptu "vacations" when we need him most!) so if he misses significant time they're well and truly fucked.

Proper fucked
, even.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Magic Lose At Home, Assassinate Anthem-Singing Little Girl

OK, not really. But don't expect to hear any more creepy autistic children singing the anthem in Orlando.

The Lakers will wrap this series up in the next game or two and Kobe will earn his first Shaq-less ring, good enough to put him in the one-of-the-best-players-ever conversation, even though he's not even the best player in the NBA right now (imagine what LeBron will have done by the time he's Kobe's age).

As for the Magic, there's no way they could keep shooting the lights out, and so the spotlight then falls on Dwight Howard and his offensive shortcomings. Your franchise player simply cannot average eight shots in the NBA finals, especially when said player barely makes 60% of his free throws and can't stop smiling.

So when the Lakers capture the title in a few days, the countdown to The Most Hyped Offseason In Basketball History begins (sure, there will be a 2009-2010 season, but it'll only be a precursor to the LeBron/Wade/Bosh/Nash/Amare/Dirk free agent shitshow).

Really, David Stern? Couldn't you have just given everyone the Lakers/Cavs Kobe vs. LeBron series we all wanted? Would it really have been that hard to put that fix in? Trust me, everyone would have looked the other way, no big deal!

The NBA: Where Less-Than-Amazing-So-That-No-One-Will-Think-It's-Rigged-Even-Though-It-Totally-Is Happens.