NFL Sunday In 10 Photos

"Honestly? I have NO idea how we got here!"


That's it, kid, learn how to lead with your head, so one day you too can suffer a serious concussion just like your favourite Dolphins!


They should replace the William Penn statue on top of Philadelphia City Hall with one of Akers in this pose.


These douchebag Miami fans have #17 painted on their faces. #17 is Brandon London...the 5th wide receiver. No wonder you guys lost!


Bon Jovi approves of the hair though; even he couldn't get it that spiky back in the 80s.


Kendra Wilkinson, one of Hugh Hefner's former girlfriends, currently dating Eagles WR Hank Baskett. How could you possibly get with a girl after Hef fucked her? Talk about sloppy seconds.


Whoa...after Kendra, seeing this Mummer is like that scene in A Clockwork Orange.


This dude has to be the retarded son of one of the '72 Dolphins that won't stop reminding everyone they're the only team to go unbeaten.


*pointing to owner's box*

"See, Mr. Lurie? I'm not a useless husk of a coach!"


Sorry, Dolphins fans, there's always next year, when the bitter disappointment of seeing two other teams play for the Super Bowl in your own backyard will make 2008 seem like a dream season!

Cue the disco music...

San Diego Super Chargers,

San Diego Chargers!

San Diego Super Chargers,

San Diego Chargers!

Charge!

Ruh Roh

You never want to hear the words "detached tendon" and "pubic bone" in the same sentence.

With Antonio Gates also hobbled (again), that means the Chargers' top two offensive targets will be limited at best. And we all know how that goes for San Diego.

Despite all this I'm still optimistic...though I can't for the life of me figure out why. Perhaps last year has something to do with it.

Either way, I'm getting drunk while largely ignoring the Cards/Falcons game, because really, neither of these teams are getting past the next round.

Good luck to all your teams this weekend, especially if it's the Chargers.

Happy New Year!

*Fujitsu* Read my fax!

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

The Bills reveal their commemorative Scott Norwood goal posts.


"Are we...did we just make...does this mean...the tie doesn't matter?"


There's way too much writing on the bags to make sense of any of it, but I think the take-home message is that the Jets eat cock.


"Kurt, I'll tell you now what I told you in '94 at Packers training camp...I'm NOT into it."


If the Ravens and Eagles meet in the Super Bowl...


...the fan death count will be in the thousands.


"Gardening, motherfucker! I love horticulture!"


The lineup for the 0-16 Post-Game Buffet, aka the highlight of Detroit's season.


"You're exactly right, Joe...these girls are sluts, no question about it."


So long, 2008 NFL Regular Season!

Part 2 of The Battle To See Which 8-8 Team Will Undeservingly Make The Playoffs

With Ed Hochuli over 2000 miles away in Green Bay overseeing the completion of the worst 16-game performance in NFL history, Chargers fans can put their screwjob conspiracy theories away and be thankful that they control their own destiny, despite being 4-8 a month ago.

The Chargers are 8 1/2 point favourites, which is somewhat terrifying; no team playing a critical game whilst coached by Norv Turner should be such a high fav.

Nevertheless, a win would mean vindication and justice served for a San Diego team that has had more bad breaks than Elijah Price.

Plus there's the potential added bonus of having an 8-8 Chargers team get in ahead of an 11-5 team, possibly the Patriots.

Nothing would be sweeter than seeing my Chargers in the playoffs with a .500 record, the Pats out - and hearing retahded Bahston fans whine that it's unfair. Fuck you, ya cheating chowdahheads.

Chargers! Broncos! Two teams that are lucky to even be in this position! Cockbag quarterbacks that you love anyway!

It's Sunday Night Football (thanks to flex scheduling) on NBC!

Cockbag of the Week: Pot Of Gold Excellence

Getting a box of Pot of Gold chocolates has been a Christmas tradition in the Suppa household for many years. Even after I moved out, I could always count on seeing the P.O.G sticking out of my stocking every Christmas.

But on the night of Christmas Eve, my cheatin' chocolate heart got the best of me.

My mother had received a box of Pot of Gold Excellence from one of her kindergarten students, and years of receiving such choco-based gifts has removed any and all of her interest in them. So I figured, she won't miss this box one bit, knowing full well that I had my very own box waiting for me upstairs.

I took the box downstairs, where I stayed up till the wee hours of Christmas morning eating from the tree of forbidden chocolate knowledge and watching the movie Gia.

A few hours later, our family sat around the tree to open presents, and sure enough, a brand new box of Pot of Gold Excellence was there in my stocking to greet me.

And that is when things went terribly wrong.

After my new tradition of taking a nap while the rest of the family goes to church, I awoke with a terrible case of the runs, which carried over through all of Christmas Day, rendering me unable to enjoy the night's meat-and-pasta-laden dinner.

Sure it could have been the half bag of BBQ Ruffles potato chips I was also eating with the chocolates, or the traditional Italian seven-fish Christmas Eve dinner, or the three bottles of Chinotto that accompanied said dinner.

But I know in my heart of hearts that it was the box of Pot of Gold Excellence, jealous that I had an affair with the other box, that did me in.

It's still sealed in my bedroom, and it will be many days before I can muster the courage to crack it open.

So a warning to my fellow Christmas-time chocoholics: never take on a choco-mistress, for your sins will be discovered, and hell hath no fury like a Pot of Gold scorned.

The Grinch Wears Pinstripes

Just in time for Christmas, the New York Yankees have dropped a lump of coal in the stockings of non-Yankee baseball fans everywhere.

*sniff sniff* Wait...that's not coal!

The New York Yankees now have the four largest contracts in Major League Baseball (A-Rod, Jeter, Sabathia, Teixeira).

The Teixeira deal came just a few hours after the Yankees were handed a $26.9 million luxury tax bill, which is almost exactly the entire payroll of the 2008 Florida Marlins.

Who says there's a recession?

Broncos Lose Two More Running Backs; In Other News, The Sun Came Up Today

The football gods are trying to tell Mike Shanahan something: quit fucking around with your running back depth chart.

The Broncos added Selvin Young and P.J. Pope to the already lengthy list of Denver backs on the IR, bringing the number to a whopping seven.

SEVEN injured running backs?!? That is beyond chance.

This is a clear message to Coach Shanahan that the fantasy world is sick and tired of him naming a different #1 RB every goddamn year, only to totally lose faith in him and end up promoting the 5th-string guy to the top spot by the end of training camp.

The guy goes through tailbacks like Hugh Hefner goes through blondes: several at a time.

Remember Olandis Gary? Quentin Griffin? Reuben Droughns? Shanny nearly went with Homer Simpson one year.

The last man standing in the backfield (for now) is underwear-stealer Tatum Bell; Denver has signed a couple of complete nobodies to back him up.

Sadly, the lack of a running game might actually help the Broncos this Sunday against the Chargers, who have a sorry excuse for a pass defense.

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

I think we found the solution to the world's economic crisis: have the NFL run all year round, with a five beer minimum per spectator.


Cortland Finnegan knocking the yellow out of Hines Ward...wait, is that racist? Yeah, that's probably racist.


Hey, Marc Bulger...save the bondage sessions for after the game.


Incidentally, NOT what Herm Edwards was going for with the "We can build on this!!!" speech.


Most unnecessary question mark ever.


"Good luck with retirement, coach."

"Thanks Brett...you too..."

*eyes meet*

*smirk*

*both break out into uncontrollable laughter*

"So, see you next year?"

"Yeah, see ya next year."


Unbeknownst to Cards fans, Will Ferrell passed Matt Leinart on the depth chart back in Week 13.


The 2008 St. Louis Rams: Everyone's Bitch


"Ho ho HO, Raiderettes...you've been naughty AND nice!"


Looks like Ricky found a way to turn his helmet into a bong.

Mission Accomplished

See you next week, Cutlerfucker!

Part 1 of The Battle To See Which 8-8 Team Will Undeservingly Make The Playoffs

Some inspirational quotes ahead of the biggest game of the season for my San Diego Chargers:
"We've got to win or we can forget it." - Chargers QB Philip Rivers

"We have to win. They have to win, and somebody's going to win." - Bucs coach Jon Gruden



Wooooo! I am JACKED now.

Derrick Mason is a BEAST

Fantasy Hockey Tip For December: Get Flyers

Every so often in fantasy leagues you run across "the homer": the dude who picks everyone from his favourite team.

That dude usually gets laughed at, and usually with good reason. Regardless of how good you think your team is, having a ton of guys from that team is rarely a smart strategy.

Rarely...but not never. I encourage you to go out and grab any available Philadelphia Flyers you can get your hands on, because these guys are ri-goddamn-diculous right now.

Philly has 38 goals so far in the month of December, and have scored at least five goals in four of their last five games.

Obviously you won't find guys like Jeff Carter or Simon Gagne on the waiver wire, but your Scott Hartnells and Joffrey Lupuls of the world might still be out there. Both Hartnell and Lupul had four points in a 7-1 thumping of the Washington Capitals.

The Flyers also have nearly double the shorthanded goals of any team in the NHL, so if your league has that stat, you would do well to pick up or trade for a Flyer or two.

One of the dudes in my hockey league has achieved a Borat level of great success with the strategy: his Flyer-heavy lineup has catapulted him three spots in the standings this month.

Just pretend it's 1995 and that every Flyer is on the Legion of Doom line.

I'm not a mathematician...

...but let's see if we can work this equation out together:

Toronto Raptors (TOR) > Oklahoma City Thunder (OKC)

OKC = The worst team in the NBA

if OKC = 91 and TOR = 83,

then OKC > TOR,

and TOR = The worst team in the NBA

I dropped out of calculus in my senior year of high school, so I could be wrong here...but I think I've got it.

Cockbag of the Week: David Garrard

Everyone who's played fantasy football has that team (or that guy) who loves to do the exact opposite of what you want them (or him) to do. For me, that team is the Minnesota Vikings: every time I pick them to win, they lose, and vice-versa.

Every. Goddamn. Time.

David Garrard might not be on the Vikings, but I know that deep down he's a Purple People Eater.

Garrard was drafted as my #1 QB in both my leagues, but after maddeningly inconsistent outputs, the likes of Kyle Orton, Trent Edwards, and eventually Tyler Thigpen and Matt Ryan supplanted him for the stretch run. Despite his asshattery, I managed to reach the finals in both leagues.

And then a funny thing happened: Garrard decided to be awesome. #9 totalled 40 fantasy points whilst on my bench in the last two weeks.

Even worse, he vultured my boy Maurice Jones-Drew's goal-line touchdown on Thursday, with an agonizingly slow plunge into the end zone on 3rd and 2. His first rushing TD since Week 4, incidentally. My co-worker and I, both MoJo owners, cursed Garrard's ill-timed score.

If either Thigpen or Ryan shit the bed, the fantasy anchor known as David Garrard will have finally brought down the good ship Suppachargers.

I would suggest you die in a fire, DG, but it seems your never-ending supply of dude sweat would douse the flames.

So I'll have to take a page from one Les Grossman, tell you to take a step back (preferably out of the end zone) and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.

It's been over two years...

...which is long enough to declare legally dead.

That might not actually be true; it might actually be from an Austin Powers movie.

The point is, Below The Mendoza Line is back.

The sports blog that was cool before sports blogs were cool (note: also not true) is back.

The return that no one asked for!

Below The Mendoza Line! Back! Sports!

Dog days of August

Well it's been a good run for the Blue Jays...there's a month and a half left in the season (oh baseball, you go by so fast!) and the Jays sit 7.5 back of the Damn Yankees and 8.5 behind the defending champion White Sox for the wild card.

They had a rough road trip a while back but have since played better...unfortunately it hasn't translated into gaining any ground.

Their one last realistic shot at making some noise comes the rest of this month, with 3 of 4 series against beatable teams (Tampa, Baltimore, Cleveland). If the Jays have any hope at all, they have to at least win those 3 series and ideally take two of three against Oakland.

I'm optimistic they'll do well, but not so optimistic that they'll move up very much in the standings...just too many good teams ahead of them.

Congrats to Roger Federer for winning the Rogers Cup over at York University, his 40th career victory and 17th straight finals appearance. The guy is just ridiculous...he has almost no competition, outside of Rafael Nadal, and that's only on clay.

The scary part is that he's only 25...he's already the best in recent memory, and he's on his way to etching his name with the likes of Sampras, Agassi, Lendl, Borg and the other male tennis greats.

And last but certainly not least, a big shoutout to my favourite player in the NFL, newly-retired Junior Seau. He was the most dominant linebacker of his day, going to twelve straight Pro Bowls...TWELVE. Most NFL players don't even play 12 seasons...this guy was at the top of his game every year.

He sparked my interest in NFL football and my subsequent love of the Chargers which still burns to this day, thanks to LaDainian Tomlinson and the hopes of a contending team for years to come.

And his retirement press conference wasn't the usual washed-up-football-star-gets-all-weepy affair.

"Listen, I win. I'm not going to cry. You know what? I won."

"Today is my graduation day. Retirement means that you'll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain't going to happen."

"Respect the game. Love the game. Stop pushing the game away, youth. Because you know what? The game is going to go anyway. The game's going to leave you anyway. So why not embrace it? I loved that game."

Words of wisdom from one of the game's best. Seau deserves to be in the Hall of Fame, and a broadcast career is definitely in his future. I wear the 55 on my back partly because of him...thanks Junior, you were great.

Forza Azzurri!!!

I still can't believe it.

Once again, it's all about justice and redemption.

We won despite another bullshit-of-all-bullshits penalty call in the early going (he didn't even touch that diving bastard)...justice.

Zidane's crossbar-bouncing penalty just barely went in, but Trezeguet's penalty didn't...justice.

Trezeguet not scoring...redemption for Euro 2000.

Italy winning in a penalty shootout for the first time since, well, ever...redemption.

As for Zidane's headbutt...well that was just shameful. Not the way you want to go out in the last game of your international career...certainly a blemish on his legacy.

And so closes a great tournament with the greatest possible outcome...doesn't get much better than that.

Two championships in my lifetime (I was like two months old in 82). I'll guess this means I'll be 48 for the next one.

At least this time I got to celebrate...walking and cheering amongst thousands of Italian supporters on College St and St Clair Ave...I'll never forget it.

Forza Italia...forza indeed.

Unbelievable!!!

The Azzurri are in the finals!

They soundly outplayed the Germans and deserved to win...it was a great game.

Next up France or Portugal...either revenge for 1998 and 2000, or the battle of St. Clair and College. Should be great either way.

Forza Italia!

Italy vs Germany

The final four...here we are.

I'm confident and yet pessimistic at the same time

Germany really hasn't had a tough game all tournament, and they really didn't see the best of Argentina, who foolishly sat back and tried to hold the lead instead of attacking.

And yet the home field advantage makes me think they'll make it to the finals for sure.

With all of the bad press surrounding Italian soccer between the scandal and some questionable plays/playcalling, can they really make it to the finals? If they do, one of two interesting scenarios await them.

Either France, who I'd love to beat to exact revenge for 1998 and 2000 (the amount of extra time added in the 2000 Euro final grows every year...we're up to 10 minutes now), or Portugal, who I'd love to beat to shut up the Portuguese fans and reclaim St. Clair Ave and College St as Italian territory.

The Azzurri have yet to concede an actual goal in the World Cup (the own goal against the US doesn't count), and they're more than capable of breaking down a suspect German defense.

Hopefully they will learn from seeing Argentina try and fail to play a shut-down style of game and bring the attack to Germany...if for no other reason than an exciting match.

Forza Italia...let's kick the farfennugen out of ze Germans!