Papelboner

Jonathan Papelbon: Awesome! I'm doing an interview for Esquire! I am FIRED UP!!!

*doing Riverdance in seat*

Esquire: OK, Jon, thanks for doing this.

JP: No problem! I'm always looking for something to do during the offseason. I get so bored! I constantly need an outlet to release my RAGE!

E: Uh, right. Anyway, let's talk about Manny Ramirez. What was it...

JP: Hold on a sec.

*pointing at dog*

Boss! No! Put down that baseball! Stop eating championship baseballs! Bad dog!

I'm sorry, where were we?

E: I was asking about Manny. Were his antics overblown, or was he a real problem in the clubhouse?

JP: Ah Manny! He was on a different train!

*banging on kitchen table for emphasis*

For him not to be on the same page as the rest of the team was a killer, man! It’s like cancer. That’s what he was. Cancer. He had to go.

E: Wait. Are you comparing Manny Ramirez to cancer?

JP: Yeah man! We got Jason Bay — Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball — and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome!

E: Hold on a sec. Are you sure you want to use the word "cancer"? You're aware that a teammate of yours, Jon Lester, recently beat cancer?

JP: Whatever man! If Lester has a problem, he can come talk to me! I’ll tell him what’s up! I’m not afraid to do that. I’m not afraid to put him in his place, because I think everybody needs that. I understand that. I most certainly understand that. Varitek tells me all the time, 'Just shut up. Do what you’re supposed to do.'

E: Perhaps you should heed that advice. Anyway, if you're not comfortable with us printing that, we can skip it...

JP: No! Print that! I want you to! Also, print this: "I will never start a baseball game in my life, ever." And use that slanty type, to show that I'm really serious!

E: You mean italics?

JP: Yeah! That's it! And use lots of exclamation points in my quotes! Cause that's how I talk! With lots of exclamation!

E: Well, we really don't use exclamation points in journalism all that much...

JP: Come on, magazine man! Use em! That's why you magazine guys are losing your shirts! You're not fired up when you write, like I am when I pitch!

E: Fair enough.

JP: We done here? I gotta go duck hunting. Love duck hunting!

E: Um, yeah, OK. I think we've got enough here. Thanks again, Jonathan.

JP: Anytime! See you in the World Series, baby! Let's go, Boss, we got some ducks to shoot! Yeah!!!

*runs through screen door*

*two months later, Esquire HQ*

E: (to editor) Oh, and make sure you print that part about cancer. With lots of exclamation points.