below the mendoza line

The MLB Trade Deadline In Tweets

2010-07-31T17:07:00.007-04:00

Follow me on Twitter (Suppa55) whenever the site's actually working. The central server for Twitter is probably somewhere in rural Iowa, tended by that old dude from The Simpsons.

"Come on, Emma!" *poking with broom*

Anyway, it's Twitterin' time!

***

Lance Berkman is one of my favourite players from this generation; hard not to cheer for the Big Puma in the Big Apple. #mlbtradedeadline

***

The dude who stitches the jerseys for the Texas Rangers is a happy man; he'll never have to do "Saltalamacchia" again. #mlbtradedeadline

***

Will Ohman has made a decision: he's taking his talents to South Beach, and joining the Miami Marlins. #mlbtradedeadline

***

Octavio Dotel goes to the Dodgers, his 8th team in 7 years. What a weird career; seems to get a closing gig every 3-4 years. Leap year CP? #mlbtradedeadline

***

Way to go, Joba Chamberlain: you were so bad, the Yankees considered Kerry Wood an upgrade. #mlbtradedeadline

***

Ted Lilly & Ryan Theriot to LA for Blake DeWitt + extras, close to being done. I hate Ted Lilly. Not really relevant, just wanted to say it. #mlbtradedeadline

***

The biggest "who cares" 5-player deal of 2010: ARZ get Bobby Crosby, Ryan Church & D.J. Carrasco from PIT for Chris Snyder & minor leaguer. #mlbtradedeadline

Analisi a posteriori

2010-06-24T12:08:00.005-04:00

In a World Cup highlighted by shocking result after shocking result, this perhaps tops them all: Italy are no more.

A 3-2 loss to Slovakia sends the Azzurri home a national disgrace. The headline of la Repubblica, one of Italy's national newspapers, read: "Mai così brutti"; never this ugly.

For the first time ever, the defending champion, the finalist, and the host nation all failed to reach the round of 16. At least the South Africans can hold their heads high and maintain some dignity, which can be said for neither Italy nor France.

At the very least - least being the operative word - Italy produced the most exciting second half - more like the second half of the second half - in the tournament.

Up until the last quarter of the match, I would have said that this team absolutely did not deserve to advance. And up until the last quarter of the match, that would have been 100% accurate. But the way they played the final 20 minutes was inspired and beautiful, albeit far too slow in arriving.

Two late goals, plus an effort just cleared off the line and a disallowed goal for offside; Italy produced more during that brief stretch than they did in the previous 250 or so minutes of play.

It was as if they kicked it into another gear that everyone knew they possessed, but for one reason or another didn't deem necessary to utilize, making their elimination all the more frustrating, infuriating, and embarrassing.

Andrea Pirlo was not fit for the first two matches, of course, but it does make me wonder what could have been, had the final configuration of the team been the initial one.

Fabio Quagliarella was brilliant, and did more in his one half of play than Vincenzo Iaquinta did in the entire tournament. Antonio Di Natale also provided a spark that proved too little too late, a Bic lighter that gets chucked into the woods upon its exhaustion of fuel.

Iaquinta, Gennaro Gattuso and Gianluca Zambrotta were either useless or invisible, and Daniele de Rossi did all he could to erase the good will of his goal against Paraguay; his terrible giveaway forced Italy to come from behind for a third consecutive match.

There will be bitching and moaning about Marcello Lippi making a bee-line for the locker room and not shaking the hand of the Slovakian head coach, and I can understand why, especially after what happened with France's Raymond Domenech after the South Africa match.

But the Slovaks' tactics after making it 3-1 was absolutely disgraceful. Lying on the pitch, wasting time, even attacking Italian players trying to retrieve the ball from the net and get on with the game; certainly not becoming of the team that outclassed the now-former world champions.

Time wasting is an unfortunate part of the late-match strategy of a team headed toward victory, and would no doubt have been employed if Italy were leading, but likely not to that extent.

Regardless, the outcome remains unchanged. An era of Calcio Italiano is over.

Injured keeper Gianluigi Buffon said it best: "Eliminazione meritata": deserved elimination.

Daniele De Rossi is...The Most Interesting Man In The World.

2010-06-15T01:21:00.003-04:00

Daniele De Rossi's organ donation card also lists his beard.

His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

You can see his charisma from space.

He is...The Most Interesting Man In The World.

World Cup Saturday In 1 Photo

2010-06-12T18:26:00.003-04:00

Because it's all you need.

Hey, South Africa, Pretty Sure Your Goalkeeper Is Deaf

2010-06-11T17:13:00.007-04:00

World Cup host South Africa have to be pretty happy with their opening effort, a hard-fought and exciting 1-1 draw with heavily-favoured Mexico.

The feat is even more remarkable when you consider that their goalkeeper apparently can't hear a goddamn thing.

Itumeleng Khune called out fans after the game for failing to provide enough noise and atmosphere to give Bafana Bafana a homefield advantage.

"We couldn’t hear the vuvuzelas. We expected to hear them and to be lifted by the people and the noise and the atmosphere. It was a letdown."

Really, Itumeleng? Because if you asked anyone who was actually watching the game, that's ALL you could hear.

And if those annoyingly loud horns were nearly unbearable watching the game on TV, how bad would it have been live?

Ever been to a Jays game where that one assclown won't stop blowing his plastic horn? Multiply that by about 85,000 and you've got your answer.

Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't comment on France not scoring in their opening match, which will hopefully end up being the worst of the tournament.

The last time they had a 0-0 draw with Uruguay? 2002...when they scored zero goals all tournament and failed to qualify. Love it.

The Pirates Aren't Intimidated By Stephen Strasburg, Are Also Delusional

2010-06-08T17:46:00.005-04:00

Tonight, Washington Nationals wunderkind (and member of 525 Scott Richmond) Stephen Strasburg will make his long-anticipated major-league debut against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Most expect him to make mincemeat out of the Quad-A caliber Pirates lineup, much like he carved up the minor leagues on the road to The Show.

As one also might expect, the Pirates aren't totally cool with everyone saying that some 21 year old kid is going to ruin their shit, and are attempting to downplay the significance of the game, saying that he's just like any other pitcher they've faced, that they've faced a lot of good pitchers, yadda yadda yadda.

But Pirates OF and ex-Nat Lastings Milledge predictably took things too far: (emphasis mine)

"We know he’s going to bring it, but he’s got nine tough guys to get out, so we’re going to battle. He’s got to face nine of the best hitters in the world."

NINE of the best hitters in the world? You guys don't even have ONE of the best hitters in the world!

The Pirates are hitting .237, tied for worst in the National League, and have scored 187 runs, which is second-worst in all of baseball, one more than the last-place Baltimore Orioles.

Pitchers generally have the advantage over hitters who've never faced them before, so you'd think Pittsburgh would be preparing a little bit. Nope. They might not even watch tape of his minor league starts.

“We’ll probably just treat him like we treat everybody,” Milledge said. “We’ll kind of see what he’s got as we go.”

Yeah, good luck with that.

UPDATE: "What he's got" is absolutely filthy. Strasburg punched out 14 Pirates through 7 innings, didn't walk a batter and made one quasi-mistake (Delwyn Young golfed a low changeup into the first row of right field).

Assuming he can avoid injury (and after witnessing that performance, you really hope he can), this kid is going to be special.

Next victim: the Cleveland Indians on Sunday.

Welcome Back, Dewayne Wise!

2010-06-05T15:06:00.004-04:00

The Blue Jays turned the clock back to the days when steroid use in baseball was still shrouded in mystery, by bringing back a guy who probably could have used some.

Toronto signed outfielder Dewayne Wise to a minor-league deal on Saturday; he will report to Dunedin for extended spring training, aka "They're paying me to play consequence-free baseball in Florida", aka the best job ever.

Wise was a member of the 2000 Jays (contributing exactly zero homers to that year's club-record of 244) and also played on the '02 team before shuttling off to the National League.

Wise's claim to fame is without question his Mark Buehrle perfecto-saving catch last season for the White Sox.

MLB.com describes Wise as being "primarily known for his outstanding defense", which means he can't hit water if he fell out of a boat.

Still, nice to have you back in the fold, Wisey. Anyone know the whereabouts of Rob Ducey and Chad Mottola?

"The Imperfect Storm" by Jim Joyce

2010-06-03T00:31:00.007-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't watch this anymore.

*watches it one more time*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK! EVEN IF HE WAS SAFE, YOU CALL HIM FUCKING OUT! IT'S A FUCKING PERFECT GAME! THE TIE DOES NOT GO TO THE RUNNER IN A FUCKING PERFECT GAME!

JAMES JOYCE'S FINNEGAN'S WAKE MADE MORE SENSE THAN JIM JOYCE'S SAFE CALL!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

If Chicks Dig The Long Ball, Then The Jays Are Casanova

2010-05-29T16:10:00.004-04:00

Four more jacks today makes it an even 50 for the month of May, setting a franchise record for most homers in a month.

The 2010 Jays are on pace for 267 swats, which would break the all-time single-season record set by Seattle in '97.

While that's perhaps a stretch, the franchise single-season record of 244 (set in 2000) is well within striking distance.

Some of the members of that '00 club: Tony Batista (41), Brad "Pipes" Fullmer (32), Jose Cruz (31), Raul Mondesi (24), and the Original Alex Gonzalez™ (15).

What makes this 2010 outburst even more impressive is that pretty much everyone on that 2000 Jays squad was juicing.

No one will accuse the likes of Jose Bautista (195 pounds) or Aaron Hill (5'11", 205) of being roided up, especially now that steroids have been completely and totally removed from baseball, right?

Anyway, home runs are awesome.

R.I.P. Jose Lima, You Crazy Bastard

2010-05-23T14:45:00.005-04:00

It's a sad day for fans of highly unstable athletes, which this blog counts itself amongst.

Former MLB pitcher and fantasy baseball idol Jose Lima has died of a massive heart attack in Los Angeles.

He was just 37, but there's no question he lived the hell out of each of those 37 years.

Let's go on a journey, shall we?

*cueing the retrospective music and soft focus camera*

Lima's career began in 1994 in unspectacular fashion, going 8 and 16 in three seasons with the Tigers. The highlight of his time in Motown was this quote, upon being released:

"If I can't pitch on this team--the worst or second-worst team in baseball--where am I going to pitch? If I can't start on this ballclub, I must be the worst pitcher on Earth."

Lima was traded to Houston, where all of a sudden he became not the worst pitcher on Earth. Lima went 16 and 8 in 1998, sporting a ridiculous 5.28 K/BB rate, and then in 1999 it all came together. Lima won 21 games with the Astros that year, earning his only All-Star appearance and marking the official beginning of "Lima time".

And what a time it was...until 2000, when the wheels fell off. Lima went 7 and 16 while surrendering 48 home runs, two short of the single-season record.

Lima bounced around for a while before signing with the Dodgers in 2004, where he experienced a brief renaissance, going 13 and 5 with a 4.07 ERA, his lowest since his career year in '99. Lima pitched a 5-hit shutout against the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 4 of the NLDS, the Dodgers' first postseason win since Game 5 of the 1988 World Series.

2004 not only cemented Lima's place in Dodger lore, but also in the Crazy/Awesome Hall of Fame by singing the American national anthem with his smoking hot common-law wife Melissa beside him. In December of that year, Lima was successfully sued by a woman who claimed she had contracted genital herpes from him. What a buzzkill.

Oh, and did I say "brief" renaissance ? I meant "just that one year". Lima again lost 16 games, this time with the Royals in 2005, signalling the beginning of the end. Lima's 6.99 ERA was the highest single-season total in baseball history for a pitcher with 30 or more games started.

After flaming out of the big leagues, Lima's career took him all over the world, from Korea to Mexico to Long Beach to Edmonton.

And that's when the story got even more interesting, if you can believe it. You see, Lima split up with Melissa and neglected to pay child support. This led to a Deadspin-supported wild goose chase for his whereabouts last year, which actually bore fruit. Lima was pitching in the Dominican Winter League for the Águilas Cibaeñas. No word on whether Lima paid up, but like they say, it's about the journey, not the destination.

We'll also never get to witness Lima's seemingly inevitable return to the spotlight as a Dominican bachata singer, which was allegedly what he intended to do after he retired.

The tributes are already popping up all over the majors; David Ortiz wore a cap with "RIP Lima" written on it, and former teammates, managers and owners are paying their respects to an eccentric but kind man who you couldn't help but root for. Except maybe his ex-wife. And whoever he gave the herps to.

So vaya con dios, Jose. You died as you lived: in batshit loco fashion.

May 19 Should Be A Pagan Holiday

2010-05-19T23:45:00.006-04:00

...because Angel Pagan should never have to do anything on this day ever again.

The Mets outfielder became the first player in 55 years to leg out an inside-the-park home run and start a triple play in the same game.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of WORK.

But because the Mets are, well, shit, Pagan's efforts went to waste, as the Nats won 5-3.

Apu's favourite squadron sits dead last in the NL East, the only team in the hyper-competitive division to not be competitive.

But at least you can't knock Pagan's effort. Soon-to-be-ex manager Jerry Manuel called the Puerto Rican "probably our best athlete."

No kidding!

So congrats to Pagan, for locking up the top Mets moment of the season...in mid-May.

*sad trombone*

Chris Bosh Should Probably Stop Tweeting. Seriously.

2010-05-17T18:46:00.006-04:00

May 17 - Man! I am truly and honestly out of shape. Lol

May 16 - Anybody know of a good TV series to get into?

May 15 - I just had the best burger of my life

May 14 - I almost made it the whole day without anyone asking what I'm gonna do about next year.

May 13 - I am bored out of my mind!

Free agency: you're doing it wrong.

Oh Look, Everyone Cares About Jays Games All Of A Sudden

2010-05-12T20:24:00.007-04:00

The city-wide outcry over the G20 summit cockblocking the Roy Halladay Reunion Tour would be amusing, if it weren't so terribly misguided and somewhat pathetic.

I must remind myself that most of the whining and bitching is coming from sports fans and/or those in the sports industry, who by and large aren't the most logical group of people out there.

But it's profoundly irritating and downright insulting to someone like me, a legitimate die-hard Jays fan since I was a toddler, to hear griping from these people.

It's a simple inequality: The G20 Summit > Late June Baseball Games.

We're talking about the leaders of the free world convening to discuss issues that will impact the future of the planet. We're talking about an event that will surpass the Vancouver Olympics in scope. There will be protests. There will be heavy security. There will be massive areas of the downtown Toronto area cordoned off. Not exactly the most ideal circumstances under which to host a series of likely meaningless baseball games.

This childish reaction is to be expected from the largely fairweather fanbase in the GTA; where in the living fuck have you people been the rest of this season, when the Jays were and are struggling to hit 10,000 fans a game? Heck, where were you when Halladay was actually pitching for the Jays? Attendance has been an absolute joke this season, and this pretty much underscores the fact that most Jays fans are only interested in a couple of sexy, trendy series matchups and don't actually care about the team, even when it's winning more games than expected.

For what it's worth, there's only a 60% chance that the Doc would even make a start in Toronto, and based on current rotation projections it's unlikely his turn would be up that weekend. Either way, relax. Halladay will pitch again in Toronto someday; this won't be the last chance for fans to get another glimpse of the best pitcher to ever don the uniform.

The only people with a legitimate reason to complain are the other contenders in the National League, more specifically in the NL East, because the Phillies essentially have been handed three extra home games, which is not an insignificant number.

From their perspective, playing the series in another city would be the best-case scenario, but a neutral site doesn't do much for the Jays organization or for those who've already bought tickets and made plans for that weekend. Paul Beeston & Co. struck a deal with a Phillies organization with which they have a long-standing good relationship, and are prepared to deal with the consequences, whether they're warranted or not.

In the end they made the only decision that would have made sense for the team and for the City of Toronto, and if you don't like it, then you're missing the point.

And if your reaction to this news is to further boycott going to games, then perhaps you shouldn't be a fan at all.

It's Definitely Dallas Braden's Mound Now

2010-05-09T18:49:00.002-04:00

I really don't want to extend his extra 15 minutes of fame."
- Alex Rodriguez on Dallas Braden, May 7, 2010

"Stick it, A-Rod"
- Dallas Braden's grandma, after Braden pitched the 19th perfect game in MLB history

Who else is looking forward to the July 5 Yanks/A's series?

Ridiculous(berger)

2010-04-22T01:34:00.007-04:00

*channeling Hunter S. Thompson and his disregard for proper capitalization*

There are a lot of things being said about the Ben Roethlisberger Situation. Pretty much all of it is Mumbo Jumbo Looney Tunes Bullshit, & it's hard to determine what Is and what Is Not true.

Well, since this is a Blog, I'm not going to pretend that what I'm saying is anything other than an Opinion. Perhaps an informed, intelligent Opinion, but an Opinion nonetheless.

With that in mind, here are some Things I Think About This Situation:

- Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for four to six games for not committing a crime, according to the Laws of the United States Justice System.

- Being a Disrespectful, Entitled Asshole is not a crime.

- The National Football League is in the business of Making Money, & not in the business of Morality.

- The Pittsburgh Steelers are in the business of Winning Football Games, & also not in the business of Morality.

- Roger Goodell has decided that suspending Ben Roethlisberger for being a Disrespectful, Entitled Asshole is the Morally Right thing to do.

- Art Rooney II has decided that trading Ben Roethlisberger, who has won two (2) Super Bowls & restored the Steelers' franchise as a football powerhouse, for being a Disrespectful, Entitled Asshole is the Morally Right thing to do.

That is all ye know, & all ye need to know.

All the rest of it is just another chapter in the never-ending "Society holds professional athletes to unreasonably high moral standards & charges them with being role models whether they want to be or not" saga.

There is no doubt that Ben Roethlisberger is a world-class Swine. But his behaviour was being implicitly tolerated & accepted by the very same fans, organization and league that are now selling him up the Three Rivers.

As the old saying goes, you can't create a monster & then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.

Mahalo.

CS
April 22, 2010

Ike Davis Is White, Brandon Morrow Is Not So Bad, And Boston Is In Trouble

2010-04-19T21:16:00.008-04:00

Only one of those statements is 100% true. If you're from Bahston, one of them is 100% false, but fuck those Massholes and their upcoming Jersey Shore ripoff show.

Anyway, the Mets called up Davis, their highly-touted 1B prospect, and promptly inserted him into the starting lineup (where he went 2-for-4 with an RBI), because the trio of bums who've patrolled the position (Mike Jacobs, Fernando Tatis, Frank Catalanotto) have combined for an Overbay-esque .180 AVG with one homer. (That said, the Jays should definitely kick the tires on Jacobs if he hits the waiver wire; you don't hit 32 homers in the major leagues by fluke.)

But the real story here, as mentioned in the header, is that Ike Davis is not a strong safety in the NFL, or a rotation player in the NBA. He is a white baseball player, and has got to be the first white baseball player named Ike in the history of the game.

So good luck, kid. You'll need it at Citi Field.

Some good news out of Blue Jay land, as Brandon Morrow finally showed everyone what he's capable of, taking a no-no into the 6th against the Royals and striking out eight batters through seven innings.

Needless to say, a welcome change from his first two dreadful outings, and all of a sudden a Romero/Marcum/Morrow/Eveland rotation looks pretty nasty (what kind of Jays fan would I be if I didn't wildly extrapolate?) and leaves Brian Tallet as the no-brainer odd man out whenever one of the dudes who is either injured, rehabbing or getting seasoning in Vegas returns. (UPDATE: Tallet's next start is being pushed back due to a sore forearm; hopefully until the 5th of fucking NEVER, amirite?)

And finally, back to Boston. After being swept at the hands of the Rays, the BoSox sit at 4-9 and are tied for the 2nd worst record in the American League.

They were booed early and often during their 8-2 loss to Tampa on Patriots Day, and understandably so: they were 0-for-30 with runners in scoring position in the series, and the rotation has been pounded to the tune of 26 runs in 26 2/3 innings of work in their last five starts.

David Ortiz looks lost at the plate, Jacoby Ellsbury is banged up, and Victor Martinez and Kevin Youkilis are struggling to hit their weight.

Hopefully Theo Epstein was following the Boston Marathon, because he could probably put a bunch of Kenyan distance runners out there and get a better result.

Sure, the Sox won't be this terrible all year, and almost certainly won't finish 4th in the East. But the Yankees are the Yankees, the Rays look scary, and the Jays love to beat up on Boston.

Plus it's still April, so, you know, optimism and all that.

The Jays Have Their Scapegoat

2010-04-18T15:05:00.007-04:00

Lyle Overbay is terrible. How terrible?

Here are some of the players hitting "better" than Lyle Overbay:

Lou Marson CLE - .091 AVG in 2010 (2-for-22), .218 career AVG
Jeff Clement PIT - .103 AVG in 2010 (3-for-29), .222 career AVG
Brandon Wood LAA - .105 AVG in 2010 (4-for-38), .178 career AVG

Lyle Overbay - .080 AVG in 2010 (4-for-50).

Horrendous. Overbay is making $7 million in 2010 and he can't even hit the weight of one of the Olsen twins.

The worst part? Coming into today, Overbay was in the top 25 in the majors in at-bats, which essentially means he has the lowest possible average in the most possible chances given to a player sucking this badly.

Of course, the reason he's getting these chances is because the Jays have no one to replace him. Randy Ruiz is a part-time player at best and Brett Wallace isn't ready.

But if it wasn't apparent before that the Blue Jays have the absolute worst starting first baseman in the league, it certainly is now. I'd rather have the Marlins' Gaby Sanchez (he's hitting .308!), Oakland's Daric Barton (.317!), or heck, even Seattle's Casey Kotchman (.229).

Unfortunately, because Cito Gaston fills out his lineups like he's in a weekly fantasy league (once on Mondays, good for seven days) don't expect to see Overbay on the bench anytime soon:

"I don't think sitting him is going to help him at all. He needs to get out there and just keep battling and hope something turns around."

Translation: get used to seeing Overbay's awful bat (and terrifying face) in the five-spot for the foreseeable future.

Seriously, that face will haunt my dreams.

I Like This Fred Lewis Guy Already

2010-04-16T18:44:00.005-04:00

You may have heard by now that Fred Lewis is the newest member of the Toronto Blue Jays. What you may not have heard is that you heard it from him first.

This screenshot is of Lewis' Facebook page, about an hour or so before any media outlet reported the news.

I like his moxy. He's not gonna let some crotchety old beat reporter or hot-shot Twitter-phile beat him to the punch. If he's this fast in the social media world, imagine him on the basepaths!

He even changed the little info box on his profile page to read "Blue Jays Outfielder Fred Lewis Is Nothing, But A STUD!" THAT'S GREAT HUSTLE!

Lewis is clearly happy to be out of San Fran and in Toronto (for some reason), so let the man have his moment of glory, before he realizes he's a bench player for a team that can't draw more than 10,000 fans for any game that's not Opening Day or against the Red Sox or Yankees.

Plus check out this glowing endorsement from Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos:

“What he’s done in the past, having been an everyday player before, those are the guys ideally you’d like to fill your bench with, guys with experience. Those are better bench players. We felt it was an upgrade maybe over what we have currently.”

Suck it, Jeremy Reed! See you in Vegas at the end of the month.

As Usual, Hunter S. Thompson Had This Shit Figured Out Ten Years Ago

2010-04-15T15:03:00.006-04:00

Hunter S. Thompson was a man ahead of his time. While journalism was still revered as a noble and upstanding pursuit, Thompson was calling out both athletes and politicians on their bullshit, getting smashed at the Kentucky Derby and running around Vegas drugged out of his mind, in an effort to get the most sensational and therefore "real" story possible.

So it should be no surprise that he had a solution to the ever-growing problem of baseball games taking goddamn forever to play, and that it is wholly representative of the "Gonzo journalism" he popularized in his heyday.

In his November 6, 2000 "Hey Rube" ESPN column, Thompson outlined his plans to redesign and shorten baseball games, in three easy steps:

ELIMINATE THE PITCHER: This will knock at least one hour off the length of a game... Pitchers, as a group, are pampered little swine with too much money and no real effect on the game except to drag it out and interrupt the action.

Works for me. Pitchers are far and away the major source of my frustration with the game (especially the ones currently on my fantasy team). The good Doctor proposed that a pitching machine would pop up from the mound, provide an automatic pitch (dialed to the exact specifications of the catcher), and then sink down into the mound to open up the infield. Open it up for what, you ask?

ALL BASE-RUNNERS MAY RUN TO ANY BASE (but not backward) -- First to Third, Second to Home, etc. And with NO PITCHER in the game, this frantic scrambling across the infield will be Feasible and Tempting.

Oh, for that. Between the chaos going on in the infield and the customizable pitch-bot, the catcher becomes the most important player on the field, throwing runners out and dictating the exact pitch needed in every situation (which a real pitcher provides about 2% of the time).

This is all well and good, but what of the length? And how the hell do we keep score of this madness?

LIMIT ALL GAMES TO THREE (3) HOURS: Like football and basketball and hockey, the Baseball game will end at a fixed time. THE SCORE, at that moment, WILL BE FINAL, based on an accumulation of TOTAL BASES IN 3 hours.

Delicious. Try and tell me you wouldn't watch that. DON'T LIE TO ME!

You can read the full article in all its glory and wild genius here, or listen to Hunter's widow Anita read it aloud in the video above.

We miss you, Hunter. Mahalo.

The Entire World Conspires Against Ricky Romero

2010-04-14T14:42:00.007-04:00

Last night, Blue Jays ace Ricky Romero found himself six outs away from the first Jays no-hitter since Dave Stieb and his sexy stache-mullet combo blanked the Indians in 1990.

And then the collective baseball gods rose up and said, "Nay."

Since I was raised Catholic and know that God works in mysterious ways, I'm not surprised that the baseball gods also subscribe to this doctrine, revealing their dastardly plans in reverse.

First, the man who ended the no-no bid was none other than Alex Rios, the former can't-miss-but-did-miss prospect who the Jays unceremoniously dumped on waivers, who crushed a mistake changeup from Romero into the left field bleachers (Hey, I thought he didn't give a fuck) for a 2-run homer.

Then, upon closer scrutiny of the guy on base for the Rios blast, it was shown that White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski had duped home plate ump Tim McClelland into thinking he had been hit on the foot by Romero's pitch in the dirt, when clearly that was not the case.

Pierzynski is well known as one of the dirtier players in the game, but he got away with one despite his past history, which forced Romero to pitch from the stretch and may have served to rattle him somewhat.

And finally, no story of deception and sabotage would be complete without the "we got a man on the inside" angle, played in this case by new Jays starting catcher John Buck (What kind of name is "John Buck" anyway? He's gotta be a double agent).

Buck was discussing Romero's outing with pitching coach Bruce Walton (which is a no-no, pun not intended) when he glanced at the scoreboard.

"I kind of looked up there I was like, 'Oh my gosh, they don't have any hits,' " Buck said.

And all was lost.

Still, a superb outing from the kid, who clearly has the goods to be the best Jays lefty since Jimmy Key.

And uh, not to jinx it or anything (see what I did there?), but a 6-2 record for tops in the AL East? I'll take it!

(Just get me to the World Cup, Jays, that's all I ask...seriously.)

NHL Considers Expansion To Africa

2010-04-13T13:54:00.012-04:00

OK, not really. But hey, at least we can take solace in the fact that hockey jerseys are keeping people clothed.

Hockey night in Liberia: NHL jerseys everywhere in war-torn nation

"We don't know the game," Joe Peters admits, wiping sweat off his cheek. "But the jerseys are very fine. Very high quality."

Unlike the game, most of the time.

I propose we send more jerseys to these people in need. It would give us a great opportunity to rid ourselves of the offensive and douchebaggy jerseys that plague our sports community, while at the same time doing a great service for people who lack basic clothing.

The main offenders:

1) The "non-traditional name on the back" jersey

You, sir, are an idiot. I don't care what "The Goose" means; you just look like a tool.

2) The "traded player" jersey

So your favourite player was traded. Get over it. In this modern age of sports with huge contracts and free agency and crooked agents, one must be loyal to a team, not a player. So stop wearing that jersey: he's never coming back, because he hates you. Exception: Wayne Gretzky Oilers jerseys.

3) The "non-traditional colours" jersey.

Sweet Christ, that is hideous. This applies to you, ladies: that pink Pens jersey is not cute, it makes you appear even more stupid and slutty than you probably already are.

Please, people, I implore you: do the right thing, and get that fucking monstrosity off your back/out of your closet and help a fellow human being out.

WHO DAT

2010-02-07T23:51:00.003-05:00

WIN!

FAIL

Oh Manning Face, I missed you!

Congrats to the Saints for a great year (and for possibly winning me my office pool).

Pitchers and catchers report in 10 days!

And Another San Diego Chargers Season Ends In Epic Fail

2010-01-17T21:07:00.006-05:00

When's spring training?

*looking at Jays 2010 roster*

Uh, when's the World Cup?

Catch The Taste Of Harsh Reality: Roberto Alomar Is Not A First-Ballot Hall Of Famer

2010-01-07T14:30:00.007-05:00

Two things happened after the announcement of the 2010 Baseball Hall of Fame inductees: spontaneous, poorly-informed debate, and the repeat viewing of this video.

Roberto Alomar missed making it to the Baseball Hall of Fame by just eight votes, drawing the ire of many pundits and fans who felt he should have gotten in on the first ballot.

The "snubbing" even caused a heated debate at The Score; to be fair, the last two heated debates in Newspit 2 involved Jersey Shore, so take that for what it's worth.

Alomar-backers are claiming the infamous Hirschbeck-spitting incident, or more recently the AIDS tabloid rumours affected Alomar's bid. I certainly hope that's not the case, because that would be the wrong reason not to elect someone to the Hall of Fame, given that a few HOF members were described as unlikable jerks and borderline criminals in their day.

The real reason, and the right reason, is that Roberto Alomar is simply not worthy of a first-ballot nomination.

The process of getting into the Hall of Fame is questionable at best, and the biggest factor of all is circumstance. Alomar got close to the 75% threshold in large part because the other candidates were weak; Andre Dawson finally got in on his ninth try, while Bert Blyleven again fell just short after 13 years on the ballot. Did anyone think that Dawson and Blyleven were definitely among the absolute best in the sport? Evidently not.

Heck, even Joe DiMaggio, Jimmie Foxx, and Rogers Hornsby (the greatest 2B ever) weren't first-balloters. If they didn't get in on their first shot, then clearly factors other than numbers, awards and warm fuzzy feelings are at play here.

Many people are throwing around the best-second-baseman-of-his-generation title, which again is more about circumstance and less about credentials.

Can you really say that Roberto Alomar dominated his position the way Cal Ripken or Rickey Henderson did? You can, if you're a crazy person.

Alomar was undoubtedly the best 2B in the American League in his time, but when you include the National League, Alomar suddenly becomes just the best defensive second baseman.

Jeff Kent holds the title of best offensive second baseman of the era; his 351 homers are the most ever at the position. Kent also won the NL MVP in 2000; Alomar never won an MVP.

And best all-around second-bagger should go to Craig Biggio, who got to 3000 hits (which Alomar did not), and has the hardware and the history to back it up (he is the only player ever with 3000 hits, 600 doubles, 400 stolen bases, and 250 home runs).

Will Kent and Biggio get first-ballot nominations? Probably not, and neither should Alomar.

To be clear: he will get in, and it should happen next year. But putting Alomar in the same sentence as Ripken, Henderson and Tony Gwynn is just foolish.

When you think "bonafide, no-brainer Hall of Famer", you do NOT think of Roberto Alomar.

And if you do, you're either a Jays fan, or an idiot. Or both.

Roy Halladay Finally Gets Traded In 4-Way, Eleventy Billion Player Deal That Apparently No One Understands

2009-12-15T15:09:00.004-05:00

You know that moment when you’re stuck in a big thunderstorm and it lets up for a little bit, and you think to yourself, “This is probably the best chance I got” and make a break for it?

We’re at that point in the Roy Halladay trade, a blockbuster the likes of which hasn’t been seen in baseball for several years.

Here’s how the deal works out from the Jays’ perspective: they give up their franchise player and $6 million to Philadelphia for prospects Kyle Drabek, Michael Taylor and Travis d’Arnaud. The Jays then flip Taylor to Oakland for another prospect, Brett Wallace.

The Phillies then turn around and ship Cliff Lee to Seattle for a few prospects, including Canadian hurler Phillippe Aumont.

The names that aren’t Halladay or Lee have changed every couple hours, so this may not be the deal that ends up happening. But that’s not what this story is about.

This story is about two things: the Toronto Blue Jays losing something they could count on having the last 11-or-so seasons: Roy Halladay pitching every five days, which is a full-length article in itself.

But the second thing is about the American media and notoriously loopy Philly fans not understanding just what the Phillies are getting in Halladay.

Just look at some of these headlines:

“Lee-Halladay deal doesn’t feel right in Philly”

“Halladay/Lee: Makes No Sense At All”

Are you kidding me? I mean, Jays fans were used to Doc’s relative anonymity south of the border, which was all well and good when he was still a Jay. But ask people who actually know baseball, like Joe Torre, or Derek Jeter, or anyone who’s had to face Roy Halladay on a regular basis: he is THE best pitcher in the game. Better than Johan Santana. Better than Cliff Lee. Better than C.C. Sabathia. And the Phillies are locking him up to a long-term contract extension at an affordable price.

Add in that there was no progress with Lee on signing a similar extension, and that the Phillies managed to get top prospects back for Lee, cushioning the blow to the farm system of losing Drabek and Taylor, and this should be seen as a huge win for Ruben Amaro and the Phillies brass.

So far, that’s not how it appears, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that after Halladay makes two or three starts with Philadelphia and absolutely carves up the opposition, that you won’t be hearing from these morons again.

Make no mistake: Roy Halladay pitching in the National League is a scary proposition. The Yankees, Red Sox and Rays are uncorking champagne bottles at the news that Halladay is out of their division.

I would be shocked if Doc didn’t add another Cy Young or two to his resume in Philly, because he just so happens to have the best offense in the NL behind him, which should provide him with those extra wins that may have robbed him of further hardware during his time in Toronto.

So farewell, good Doctor, and I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve this perhaps more than any player in Major League Baseball.

Oh, and Phillies fans; you’re welcome. This should make up for 1993.

OH JOY OF JOYS

2009-12-10T18:56:00.006-05:00

It's true, Jays fans! The worst baseball play-by-announcer in history has finally been relieved of his duties.

And replacing him? Buck Martinez! FUCK YES!

"I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to call play-by-play, and living up to the great tradition that has been established by Tom Cheek, Jim Hughson and Dan Shulman."

BUT NOT JAMIE CAMPBELL! THAT COCKZIPPER SET OUR PROFESSION BACK FOR YEARS!

No longer will I have to watch the Jays on mute. There is no way on God's green earth that Buck could be worse at play-by-play than Jamie fucking Campbell.

Buck's colour guy has yet to be determined, but Pat Tabler, Rance Mulliniks and Darrin Fletcher - aka the Terrible Three - have not had their contracts renewed as of yet, which is promising.

I'll tell you who it won't be: Gregg Zaun, because Milwaukee paid that pile of crap $2.15 million to be their starting catcher!

BAHAHAHA this is the greatest day ever!

Bitches Be Crazy

2009-11-28T04:13:00.008-05:00

Apparently that old adage (OK, it's not old really, just something me and my roommate made up) applies even to mega-stars like Tiger Woods.

As you've probably heard by now, Tiger was involved in a minor car accident. He was treated at a local hospital for facial lacerations and released.

What is still up for debate is just how Tiger got said lacerations.

As usual, TMZ was on the story first, and continues to invade my life whether I like it or not (my co-workers LOVE the site):

The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV -- but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

Wow. I was just in Sweden this summer; didn't realize how loco their women are. I guess I'd be upset too if my meal ticket was crashing itself into a fire hydrant.

Anyway, the alleged affair story broke only a couple days ago, so it's highly unlikely that this is a coincidence, no matter how much the popular sports media tried to spin it as an "accident" or as a slanderous attack on a golden athlete.

Look, it's pretty obvious what happened here: Tiger "got it in the hole" on someone else's putting surface. Guess what? He's a rich and powerful man! Rich and powerful men do shit like this all the time; just cause he plays golf for a living doesn't mean he's not a weaselly weasel.

Sure, he married a Swedish model, and that should be enough. For most people. But not for Tiger, evidently.

This further proves my theory that superstar athletes should never get married. You can have all the Scandinavian bikini girls you want, with none of the eventual backlash when you wanna upgrade to the newest set of clubs, as it were.

The real winners in all this? The PGA. A bonafide scandal involving the most popular player in the history of the sport that has nothing to do with racism or sexism? Amazing! Cheating on your wife? John Daly calls that a Tuesday!

Dwyane Wade With No Regard For Anderson Varejao's Life

2009-11-12T22:40:00.004-05:00

Move over Carmelo Anthony, we got a new dunk of the year!

Wow. Also, the French judge gave Varejao a 9.8 for the perfect jackknife somersault into the back of the net.

Clay Zavada: King of Movember

2009-11-02T13:28:00.009-05:00

It is well established that November is pretty much the worst month of the year (with the possible exception of February, aka Febtober).

It has next to no redeeming qualities (cold, no holidays other than the somberfest that is Remembrance Day) and is especially depressing when the best day of the American calendar rolls around, that being the real Thanksgiving (face it, our Thanksgiving is weak; down there it's bigger than Christmas!)

So it's nice to know that someone is out there trying to help us get through the next 30 days...and that someone is Clay Zavada.

The Diamondbacks reliever was honoured this weekend for rocking the best baseball mustache since Rollie Fingers, capturing the coveted 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award from the American Mustache Institute.

Zavada beat out some stiff competition, including fellow mustachioed ballplayer Brendan Ryan and US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger, better known as the dude who landed that fucking plane in the fucking Hudson River.

So congrats to Zavada and his awesome labia sebucula (that's Latin for "lip sweater"; get your mind out of the gutter) for being a shining example for dudes who can grow facial hair everywhere.

And be sure to visit your local Movember website for all the latest mustache news, and to find out how you can donate to the cause or get involved.

Mark McGwire Is Back In Baseball, Except Not Really

2009-10-26T18:16:00.004-04:00

Yes, the rumours are true: Mark McGwire is the new hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals.

And as is custom in sports, a press conference was held today to make everything all official-like.

One problem: Big Mac wasn't at the presser.

This is what I can't understand: you have a guy who's clearly trying to repair his tarnished image and get consideration for the Hall of Fame, hitching his wagon Tony Dungy-Michael Vick style to his friend Tony LaRussa, one of the most respected men in baseball.

So you'd think the least you could do to prevent any early skepticism is fucking show up to the thing!

Cards GM John Mozeliak says they're not trying to shield McGwire from questions about steroids: “By no means is he trying to hide, and by no means are we trying to hide him.”

Perhaps Mozeliak should look up the words "shield" and "by no means" in the dictionary (yes, my dictionary has words AND phrases, eat it).

If it was a scheduling conflict, why not hold the press conference so that he can actually be there?

Not exactly the start the Cards were hoping for with this move, especially considering La Russa has stated he's near the end of his managing career.

McGwire has been working with major league hitters in the offseason and has garnered praise for his approach, so who knows, this crazy idea might work.

For what it's worth, McGwire is a career .263 hitter, with a high of .312 in 1996 but also including two seasons at or below the Mendoza line (.201 in 1991 and a brutal .187 in his last year).

Looking forward to following this story in the offseason to see how much steroid juking McGwire will do, and to see whether or not this is as transparent as it appears.

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

2009-10-05T03:49:00.006-04:00

My awareness for breast cancer isn't the only thing that's raised.

Nothing says charity like knee-high socks and hooker boots.

"OK guys, #26 over there, he's about 85 years old, so we'll go after him. And don't get cocky; these refs are better than the Lions.

Move over, Sage Rosenfels...make way for the Cutlercopter!

Take notes, Kim Kardashian.

Or you can try the "Korean Altar Boy".

Ike Taylor demonstrates his new defensive strategy, the Booting The Receiver In The Ass method.

The "Jacksonville Jump" doesn't have the same ring to it. Also, Santa's a Jags fan?

"You've won this round, Belichick, but we'll beat your ass in the AFC championship game!"

"...and we'll be waiting." *making the two finger eye pointing gesture*

Arrivederci Ricciardi

2009-10-03T13:15:00.004-04:00

I was ready to write a whole diatribe on the Cito Gaston mutiny story being a symptom of a terrible organization...but then this happened, and yeah, it's a much bigger deal.

J.P. Ricciardi is no longer with the Blue Jays, and as much as I'd like to rip the man for fucking this franchise eight ways from Sunday, I can't bring myself to do it.

Fans and members of the media have short memories, and I recall the early days of J.P.'s tenure as being ones of unbridled enthusiasm and optimism. We gave J.P. plenty of rope, and instead of lassoing a playoff berth or two, he ended up hanging himself with it.

There's no question Ricciardi's last years with the club were an unmitigated disaster; from the ludicrous signings of B.J. Ryan, Frank Thomas, Alex Rios and Vernon Wells, to the Adam Dunn fiasco, to the poor handling of the Roy Halladay trade deadline situation, and finally the reported team mutiny towards manager Cito Gaston.

But now is not the time to kick a fired man's ass out the door. What needs to happen going forward for this team is a change in culture, similar to what is happening with Brian Burke and the Leafs (never thought I'd use the fucking Leafs as an example for how to improve management).

If it takes completely cleaning house, then I'm all for it. Paul Beeston will pick a successor soon, and that person should promptly start from scratch. There needs to be an attitude of winning, not one of complacency for being in a ball-busting division. No excuses, just play ball, all that sort of thing. It sounds simple, but for this franchise it would mark a significant shift in its outlook.

With the Jays' parent company Rogers losing money, the task will be a difficult one. The days of outspending the Yankees and Red Sox ended 15 years ago. But it has to happen. Fans are disillusioned and are making their voices heard by not showing up to the ballpark in droves. With the Leafs and Raptors improving, the Jays simply cannot afford to wallow in mediocrity any longer.

J.P. Ricciardi let the pressures of working in a seemingly no-win environment get to him, and it got him run out of town. I would be surprised if he ever got another GM gig, and he's got no one to blame but himself. Getting fired just two days before the end of the season puts a fitting bow on one of the worst Blue Jays seasons in recent memory, especially considering how promising it all started.

Something has to change. Undeniable dilemma.

The Jays Show Their Appreciation To Fans By Giving Them The Shaft

2009-09-30T03:54:00.005-04:00

As a former Rogers employee (worked at the Dome for a couple years in ticket sales) I can personally attest to the company's general assbaggery.

But this takes the cake, or more accurately, the game-worn jersey:

From drunkjaysfans.com: Outrage! Fucking Outrage!

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

2009-09-28T12:37:00.005-04:00

Even when the Lions win, they kind of lose. That photographer's gonna have a nice shot of Matthew Stafford's bald spot.

To NFL Fan,

www.scientology.org

~~Les Grossman~~ Tom Cruise

*Movie Announcer Voice*

This fall...Aaron Rodgers is...Ninja Quarterback!

The Lord revealed Himself to Vincent Jackson and two Miami defenders...and God said, "You stay classy, San Diego."

*terrible French accent*

"Ah, zut alors! Je deteste cornerbacks avec un nom hyphenated! La divorce c'est une chose terrible! Pensez aux enfants! Je dois facemask-toi!"

Ravens fans: still terrifying.

Ray Rice: "What is this differently-painted section of the field? Never been here before...wait, is this the endzone?!? I did it, I finally made it!"

OK Rams fans, are you ready for another week of crippingly inept football??? *setting off pyro*

First Pittsburgh, and now Indy...the AFC owns Kurt Warner's ass in primetime.

"Seasons of Loooooooooove!"

The Isotopes Win A Game! The Isotopes Win A Game!

2009-09-27T16:26:00.006-04:00

Lions 19, Redskins 14. Detroit's first win in almost two years.

*Ford cars start flying off the lot*

*economy turns around*

I'm sure Jim Zorn is being fired as I type this...at least he fucking should be. Wow.

Washington did win something in this game; the title of "Worst City In America" over Detroit. Congrats, DC: your cesspool is the cesspooliest!

Cockbag Of The Week: Jeff Suppan

2009-09-25T17:12:00.005-04:00

I took a trip with two co-workers to New York a couple summers ago to catch the Jays at old Yankee Stadium. Naturally I wore my black Jays jersey in the left-field bleachers (which nearly got us killed) with Suppa 55 on the back (yeah I know, having your own name on a jersey is lame, fuck off, it was a gift!)

The two memorable jeers from that day: one guy yelling incredulously, "Who the fuck is Suppa?" and "Hey, Jeff Suppan plays for Milwaukee, you fucking idiot!"

While I was impressed by the fan's extensive knowledge of mediocre pitchers, it got me thinking: Jeff Suppan is a disgrace to 5/6ths of my last name.

Last night against the Phillies, Suppan continued to shame the name, giving up 8 runs on 12 hits in under 5 innings of work, good enough for his 11th loss of the year and a cascade of boos from the Milwaukee faithful as he was yanked.

Suppan has pitched for 15 years in the majors, and has been serviceable but not spectacular. His best year was probably 2005 with St. Louis; Cards pitching coach/sprinkler of fairy dust Dave Duncan was able to magically get 16 wins and an ERA near 3.50 out of him.

Suppan's three years with the Brewers have been pretty terrible, and the lowlights this season have been particularly dim: an ERA over 5, nearly as many walks (72) as strikeouts (76), and in just four of his 28 starts did he strike out at least five batters.

Suppan opened the year with two stinkbombs against the Giants and Cubs and never really recovered; in late July he surrendered 10 (!) runs to the fucking Nationals.

Oh yeah, his salary this season? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of 10 million bucks.

So fuck you, Jeff Suppan, for embarrassing 83% of our shared surname and for making more money than I will ever see in a lifetime for being a shitty pitcher.

Soviet Russia: Where Amazing Happens

2009-09-24T14:40:00.005-04:00

North America's most global pro sports organization is about to get real global.

Russian tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to buy 80 per cent of the New Jersey Nets and move them to Brooklyn (take that, Jay-Z!), along with half of the project to build a new arena there.

(Side note: being known as a "tycoon" is one of the coolest titles a man can have. Right up there with "rockstar" and "international playboy.")

The 6-foot-6 Prokhorov is a former amateur baller, but there's no question he's been "ballin" for years now; he often rolls with an entourage of gorgeous women on private jets, and was questioned - but never charged - in a prostitution investigation.

How rich is this guy? He lost $7 billion in the global recession, and is still the wealthiest man in Russia. He makes Mark Cuban look like a CFL owner.

The Nets have been rumoured to be moving to the New York City borough for a while now, but it looks like it will finally be a reality. And with the proposed arena location a few miles from famed Russian enclave Brighton Beach, this appears to be, if you'll pardon the obvious reference, a slam dunk.

This I think is the real problem with the ongoing Phoenix Coyotes/Jim Balsillie saga. Sure, Balsillie is a kabillionaire, but he's a Canadian kabillionaire, which doesn't hold as much weight as, say, a Russian kabillionaire who may or may not control an underground prostitution ring. These guys get shit done; they wouldn't be taking guff from some retirement-community town.

Quasi-update: Wayne Gretzky stepped down as Coyotes head coach/director of player operations. Cancel all those #99 Gretzky jerseys, Hamilton!

WILDCATFAIL

2009-09-21T23:38:00.006-04:00

A lot of handing off and wacky formations and obscenely high possession times...and the Dolphins are 0-2.

Sure, just like that one-night-stand you picked up at the local dive bar (shout out to the Underground) the Wildcat was good times, but you can't roll with that long-term. Unless you want chlamydia.

The Colts had the ball for less than 15 minutes and still won. That's the difference between an exciting offense and a good offense.

Miami is in serious danger of going from 1-15 to 11-5 back to 1-15...I hope J-Lo and the Williams sisters have an escape clause in their ownership contracts.

Oh, and a big fuck you to Ray Lewis for murdering the Chargers last night. Now I know how those two dudes at the 2000 Super Bowl party felt. Ba-zing!

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

2009-09-21T14:32:00.007-04:00

"So I said to Cheney, 'Go ahead, shoot him in the face...we already got away with murder: we won two elections!"

*everyone bursts out laughing*

Not pictured: the 50 feet between LeBron and the ground.

Parachute dude, under his breath: "Mmmm, that sure is a Hall-of-Fame tight end..."

*Sharpe looks behind him* "What'd you say?"

"Uh, n-nothing!"

"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, coach! I wanna block the kick! Me! Meeeee!"

This cheerleader has a long career in shampoo commercials ahead of her.

Is he man or monster? Or is he both? Cory Redding is...the Black Hulk!

I can't believe Ochocinco found actual Bengals fans.

All hail Megatron!

Degree of difficulty: 9.8, but deductions for bent legs, causing too much splashback on entry.

Jerry Jones' future heir to the empire.

Week 1 Of The NFL Closes With A Sad Trombone

2009-09-15T03:24:00.007-04:00

No two teams in the history of the National Football League know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory quite like the Buffalo Bills and Oakland Raiders.

For depressed Bills/Raiders fans, or for sadistic Patriots/Chargers fans, go here. Or, if you prefer, here.

NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos

2009-09-14T02:00:00.004-04:00

Oh yeah, I am ready for some football. Anyone got any dollar bills?

Hey, Coach Singletary, you've got that look in your eye...please keep your pants on!

Ravens fans are fucking SCARY.

"Sweet Chin Music! Sweet Chin Music! Michaels! Michaels wins the title!"

Photo caption double-fail: "Marc Bugler #10 of the St. Louis Rams stands in the huddle against the Seattle Seahawks at Qwest Field on September 13, 2009 in Seattle, Washington".

"I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit. High school girls love me. 14 to 18, I'm a big star with them."

I don't mean to pick on the Rams, but damn, that's rough.

His mom was too cheap to get him a Rodgers jersey, and just handed him a roll of duct tape. Hello Wisconsin!

I know, emo boy. A rough first game. But it could be worse...

...you could be this guy.

Serena Williams Is F@&%ing Crazy

2009-09-12T23:44:00.007-04:00

Serena Williams was losing her match against Kim Clijsters, then she lost it, then she lost the match.

After being called for a rare foot fault which set up match point for Clijsters, Serena walked over to the umpire and unleashed a profanity-laced tirade, including "I will take this ball and shove it down your fucking throat."

Naturally, the tiny Asian lady umpire felt threatened, went over to the head referee, and Williams was given the tennis equivalent of the technical foul: a point penalty, which meant the match was over.

Serena didn't exactly react favourably to this news, especially when she was told what the umpire thought she said, "I didn't say I would kill you, are you serious?"

Serena threw her racket away and went over to congratulate Clijsters, and was seen to mumble "fucking bitch" as she chatted with Clijsters, who seemed stunned by what had just transpired, and rightfully so.

Williams then gave an Oscar-winning performance in the post-game press conference, saying the umpire was "confused" and pretty much tried to downplay the whole thing.

I'll come right out and say it: Serena Williams is a scary lady.

Dany Heatley Finally Jumps The Shark

2009-09-12T16:28:00.005-04:00

After months of rumours hanging around the nation's capital like a lingering fart (actually, that's just how Ottawa smells), Dany Heatley is finally going to California.

The Senators traded the disgruntled winger to San Jose for Milan Michalek, the corpse of Jonathan Cheechoo and a second-rounder.

Is it a good deal for Ottawa? Well, not as good as the rumoured three-way deal involving the Kings that would have netted Alexander Frolov and Jarret Stoll, but this is probably the best haul they could have received with only one team in the picture.

Michalek will likely skate on a wing with Jason Spezza, which means his production shouldn't change much. As for Cheechoo, maybe a change of scenery will help; he only managed 35 goals the past two seasons and played his way off the top line with Joe Thornton.

Speaking of Thornton, he and Heatley should be absolutely deadly this season. Thornton has made marginal NHL talent look like top snipers, so Lord knows what he'll do with a legitimate 50-goal scorer on his wing.

Captain Patrick Marleau also stays in town after being a big part of the Heatley trade rumours, so this is a win-win situation for the Sharks, who will once again enter the season as favourites in the West and then find some way to fuck it all up despite having a ton of talent.

For the Sens, it marks the end of an era. When the team had trouble scoring (ie. pretty much all of last season) there was always the fallback option: reuniting the "Pizza Line" of Heatley, Spezza and Daniel Alfredsson.

Now with Heatley gone, Alfredsson turning 37 and Spezza becoming more and more of a whiny douchebag, Ottawa are in serious danger of missing the playoffs for a second straight season after 11 straight post-season appearances.

In other news, hope you like the new look. Nothing says "legitimate sports blog" like canary yellow text and vintage baseball card jpegs.

On Creepy Commentators and Great Baseball-Related Movies

2009-09-12T14:07:00.007-04:00

So after a three-week European vacation that was bookended by a month of being a lazy fuck, it's time to get back below the line.

And what better way to return from a near two-month absence than with one of the greatest unintentionally hilarious videos of the year?

In this YouTube gem, former NFL wide receiver and current Monday Night Football commentator Cris Collinsworth speaks very, um, candidly about the type of girls (and I do mean girls) he goes after, now that he's bringing in the big-time bucks (side note: thank God the NFL is back. Sundays have meaning again).

And since it's 1984, the high comedy extends to the halftime segment's packaging, complete with Rod Stewart background music and a ridiculously constructed throw, which begins with a super-long pan down to the reporter "chatting" with other "party-goers".

Everything about this clip is fucking awesome, and is worth repeat viewings.

And speaking of repeat viewings, any fan of great sports movies (or great movies in general) should definitely check out the movie Sugar.

The film follows the story of Miguel "Sugar" Santos, a Dominican pitcher trying to make it to the big leagues and provide for his family living in poverty back home. But it's not really about baseball: it's about culture shock, loneliness, and a man who has to face reality when his life-long dream begins to fall apart.

Sugar is at its best when there's no dialogue whatsoever; Algenis Perez Soto's uncomprehending, mournful gaze at the foreign world around him is both incredibly emotional and compelling.

And for anyone who's played any sport long enough to consider themselves an ex-athlete, the moments when he questions himself and his abilities feel as real as your own.

Plus there's a special treat for baseball nuts: a cameo from former big-league pitcher Jose Rijo!

Sugar is out on DVD now, so go watch it: you will not be disappointed.

And oh yeah, five people were inducted to the Basketball Hall of Fame yesterday, including someone named Michael Jordan (hey, didn't he play for the White Sox?)

Tomorrow: the return of NFL Sunday Review in 10 Photos! Enjoy Week 1!

Billy Wagner To Mets' Fans: "Expect Absolutely Nothing From Me"

2009-07-16T15:45:00.006-04:00

Sometimes the smallest stories are the most hilarious.

Take for example, the "news" that Billy Wagner could make his return from Tommy John surgery later this season.

Which is nice, until the New York Post asked Wagner what the chances of that actually happening are, and Wags starting making with the excuses, in descending order of bleakness:

- He doesn't think he'll be setting up Francisco Rodriguez this season.

- He insisted he won't be a bullpen cure-all when he returns.

- He doesn't believe he's headed for a major role with the Mets, and will probably be used sporadically.

- He's only thrown to hitters about "eight or nine times" since last September, so even if he comes back, he'll be rusty.

- He admitted he won't be able to help at all if he can't bounce back well from the surgery.

- He's still waiting for the Jax-from-Mortal-Kombat bionic arm implant to come in the mail.

Ok, I made that last one up. I can't blame Wagner, really; who would want to come back and pitch for the trainwreck that is the New York Metropolitans?

As awesome as a Wagner/J.J. Putz/K-Rod bullpen would be, the chances of it ever coming together is a longshot at best, especially when you consider that the Mets are fourth in the NL East with eight teams ahead of them in the Wild-Card race.

Still, I'm looking forward to Wagner's return, if only for the inevitable "See, I Told You Not To Expect Anything!" stories come September, just in time for the Mets' annual collapse.

B.J. Ryan Released, Fans Rejoice

2009-07-08T16:06:00.006-04:00

Amidst the Roy Halladay trade buzz/impending apocalypse, a ray of sunshine warmed Jays fans' hearts today, as former closer/current pile of crap B.J. Ryan was given his unconditional release.

It used to be when Ryan entered a ballgame, the reaction was: "Fuck yeah! This game is OVER!" But this year every time Ryan came in from the pen, fans were more like: "Ah fuck. This game is over."

The Beej underwent Tommy John surgery in '07 and has looked like a husk of a shell of his former self since. Ryan was openly frustrated about his role this season, and felt he needed frequent work to regain his rhythm.

Cito Gaston clearly wasn't buying that load of B.S. from B.J.

The team will still have to pay Ryan (wince) $10 million for 2010, but it's a number I'm willing to eat if it means never seeing this fucko pitch for the Jays again.

Replacing Ryan on the roster is current closer and our Lord and saviour Scott Downs, who looks to be recovered from his obsessively-reported toe injury.

Some positive news on a day where the Jays could drop to .500 for what feels like the first time since April. There's hope yet!

J.P. Ricciardi Wants To Ruin The Jays Franchise

2009-07-07T21:18:00.004-04:00

Yes, it's early July, and yes, the Jays are pretty much out of the playoff race again.

Six games out of the wild card at the All-Star Break isn't insurmountable, but given the usual gaggle of teams the Jays would have to jump ahead of, it's a much bigger deficit than it appears.

And today the last shred of good will that the team built up from its hot start was erased today, as GM J.P. Ricciardi publicly stated that the team would listen to offers for Roy Halladay.

Ricciardi can cover his ass all he wants with the "We're just listening" statements, but what he's really saying is that the Jays are giving up, and headed towards seller mode.

I don't blame him for being realistic, but trading Halladay would be the worst thing to happen to this franchise in at least 10 years. I don't care what kind of package he gets back; nothing short of the sun, moon, and stars is enough for a pitcher that many consider to be the best in baseball (especially everyone in the A.L. East).

If J.P. can find some sucker to take Vernon Wells and/or Alex Rios off the Jays' hands, by all means do it. But over the past 2-3 years, it's become pretty apparent that no other pitcher on the Jays' roster is at all reliable, and sending away Doc would condemn the team to an ever lower level of mediocrity than in recent years.

I was a big Ricciardi guy when he got here, but since then he has done everything possible to make me dislike him, including the whole saga with my boy Adam Dunn. This would be the final straw.

He's been GM for almost eight years (!) and has virtually nothing to show for it. Second and third place results don't count; I know that's not very Canadian, but fuck that, we haven't won shit.

It's time to let someone else take the controls, before he does the unthinkable and blows this franchise sky high.

The Big Jester & The King Together At Last

2009-06-25T14:01:00.006-04:00

Well, this oughta upstage the draft, eh?

While the reactions to this trade are mixed at best, the most significant storyline regarding Big Diesel's move to Ohio concerns one LeBron James, and how 2009-10 is now about 95% likely to be his last in Cleveland.

Shaq has one year left on his contract, and is clearly being brought in at the behest of King James as a sign to the NBA that he wants to win next year, and will not accept anything less from his subjects. If they fail to deliver, he is on the next G5 to JFK or whereever else he deems worthy to re-establish his kingdom.

But even if the Cavaliers take it all next season (and obviously this move makes them serious favourites), you have to believe that LBJ will say, "Goodnight Cleveland! Thanks for the ONE ring!" and book it out of town.

I'm patiently awaiting the newest video from the wonderful people at Cleveland Tourism on the deal that guarantees one more year of people caring about their city.

Joey Votto Is A Person First, And A Ballplayer Second

2009-06-25T02:34:00.004-04:00

Sometimes as sports fans we lose sight of what is really important. Sometimes we forget that the athletes we idolize and/or villify are people too, with everyday problems.

And sometimes those problems can become too much to bear. That's what happened to Joey Votto.

His father passed away last August, and almost a year later, it finally hit him. And it hit him hard.

Unable to fully deal with the grief of losing his father, Votto tried to push the feelings away and just play baseball. But after nearly a year of that, the emotions became overwhelming, and after Votto got an upper respiratory infection and had to be hospitalized, the emotions finally broke him.

Votto addressed the Toronto media this week, in a courageous interview, telling reporters the details of his depression, of his anxiety attacks, of the loss of his desire to play baseball, and of the road to recovery upon which he still walks.

What was perhaps most remarkable was the way Votto began the press conference, asking that no members of the media attempt to contact his family or friends about his issues, lest they answer to him.

This wasn't a threat; it was a family man asking other family men and women to respect his wishes. And with good reason.

Because what Votto has had to go through on a daily basis has been exacerbated by the actions of so-called "fans" berating him during his illness, calling him soft, a pussy, or even gay.

These actions, while they are despicable and cowardly, are hardly unexpected, given the strangely intimate relationship fans now share with athletes, for better or for worse.

Gone are the days where an athlete's personal life is one of mystery and intrigue. With the surge in popularity of fantasy sports and the rise of social networking websites like Twitter and Facebook, every sordid detail of an athlete or celebrity's goings-on is well-documented and commented upon.

I myself am guilty of this to a degree. I have Votto on my fantasy team, and I recall being upset earlier in the season that he couldn't get over a goddamn ear infection, not remembering the things he had gone through, not long over half a year earlier. For that I am truly sorry.

What embarrasses me most is that I also went to school with Joey Votto. While I didn't know him well at all, I knew the kind of person he was: a quiet, reserved Italian kid that was deeply close to his family. I grew up with 20 Joey Vottos.

I could not begin to imagine his pain; no one should have to deal with the loss
of a parent at such a young age.

Stories like this are not often told about athletes, especially not now; we the media are more concerned with performance, or with off-the-field shenanigans, or with big-money contracts being earned or not earned.

But stories like this should be told, because they bring to light that athletes and celebrities are just people, no different from you or me, and that's what good journalism is all about: telling compelling stories about people.

So get well soon, Joey, and good luck. You're a heck of a ballplayer, but more importantly, you're a good man. Your father would be proud.

Halladay, Downs, Janssen All On DL, Fans All Off Bandwagon

2009-06-18T00:41:00.005-04:00

Jesus. This is getting ugly.

Jeremy Accardo, Brad Mills and a 51-to-be-named-later have been called up to plug the holes.

And the timing couldn't be better...just as the NHL and NBA finish up, Toronto fairweather fans check up on the Jays and see that three more pitchers are hurt!

Better get to Gate 9 early!

Lakers Win, Kobe Wins Without Shaq, Now Let's All Move On

2009-06-15T11:03:00.004-04:00

There. Can we stop talking about it now? Great.

So, what else we got?

*checking schedule*

*seeing nothing but mid-summer baseball for months*

*checking AL East standings*

Um...when does the NFL start? Not for another three months? Awesome.

Sidney Crosby Is A Stanley Cup Champion And Roy Halladay Is Hurt

2009-06-13T02:01:00.004-04:00

...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Anyway, congrats to the Pens, who quite simply played a better Game 7 than Detroit, and since the series came down to one game, they deserved the win.

And yeah, Halladay left his start tonight with a tweaked groin. Mass panic ensued (scroll down to the comments at about 8 PM) and rightfully so.

The Jays traditionally head right into the tank whenever the Doc is not in (just cause he has the nickname doesn't mean he has to take impromptu "vacations" when we need him most!) so if he misses significant time they're well and truly fucked.

Proper fucked, even.

Magic Lose At Home, Assassinate Anthem-Singing Little Girl

2009-06-12T00:34:00.005-04:00

OK, not really. But don't expect to hear any more creepy autistic children singing the anthem in Orlando.

The Lakers will wrap this series up in the next game or two and Kobe will earn his first Shaq-less ring, good enough to put him in the one-of-the-best-players-ever conversation, even though he's not even the best player in the NBA right now (imagine what LeBron will have done by the time he's Kobe's age).

As for the Magic, there's no way they could keep shooting the lights out, and so the spotlight then falls on Dwight Howard and his offensive shortcomings. Your franchise player simply cannot average eight shots in the NBA finals, especially when said player barely makes 60% of his free throws and can't stop smiling.

So when the Lakers capture the title in a few days, the countdown to The Most Hyped Offseason In Basketball History begins (sure, there will be a 2009-2010 season, but it'll only be a precursor to the LeBron/Wade/Bosh/Nash/Amare/Dirk free agent shitshow).

Really, David Stern? Couldn't you have just given everyone the Lakers/Cavs Kobe vs. LeBron series we all wanted? Would it really have been that hard to put that fix in? Trust me, everyone would have looked the other way, no big deal!

The NBA: Where Less-Than-Amazing-So-That-No-One-Will-Think-It's-Rigged-Even-Though-It-Totally-Is Happens.

Reggie Evans Is The Answer

2009-06-09T17:17:00.004-04:00

...if the question is, how can the Raptors get a decent rebounder and give away a player who has no defense whatsoever?

So farewell, Jason Kapono, you and your one-dimensional game and hilarious out-of-shape-white-dude style of running.

And welcome, Reggie Evans: you will be asked to do 100% of the rebounding when you're on the court.

Apparently, some of your fans will miss you.

Of Course He Pitches For The Phillies

2009-06-01T21:58:00.009-04:00

...with a name like Antonio Bastardo.

I am not making that up. That's his name.

This dude could only be a Phillie, or a Yankee, or maybe a Ranger.

He should wear a black mask and a cape to the mound...and they should play the Gypsy Kings version of Hotel California when he toes the rubber.

Anyway, yeah this Bastardo character is making his debut for the Phillies Tuesday night.

He's taking the rotation spot of known wife-beater Brett Myers, who has a hip issue and...wait a minute, a dude named Bastardo is replacing Brett Myers? Doesn't anyone else see what's going on here?

Brett Myers IS Antonio Bastardo! It's all a ploy to duck the law! He's on the lam from the fuzz!

You didn't fool me Myers, you sneaky domestic abuser, you!

Cue The Shea Hillenbrand Quotes

2009-05-26T16:52:00.003-04:00

Well, this isn't going well.

Having lost both major-statement games so far not to mention dropping seven straight road games has made the Jays bandwagon much lighter.

This was, of course, inevitable. Everyone not named Alex Rios, Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay wasn't going to keep hitting over .300. Rookie pitchers weren't going to keep confusing major-league hitters. The bullpen wasn't going to remain immaculate all year.

The real problem now is when does the team hit bottom? Certainly dropping two of three to the Orioles might look like bottom, but who knows?

Unlike many apoplectic/apocalyptic/narcoleptic Jays "fans", I shall remain optimistic and list the positives:

1) Six games over .500 is still pretty good, and they're only 1.5 games back despite the losing skid.
2) The pitching is as healthy as it's been all year, with Casey Janssen, B.J. Ryan and Ricky Romero (who's starting tonight) back. Robert (Bobby) Ray and Brett Cecil can go back to the minors where they belong, and hopefully they won't need em again this year.
3) Aaron Hill is still an All-Star.
4) Roy Halladay is still an All-Star.

My prediction: The Jays will be fine. They go 3-2 the rest of the month to finish 15-14 in May, and then perform well in June (Toronto doesn't face an AL East team till Tampa on the 29th).

The ship ain't sinkin yet. It's just taking on a little water.

The Game of the Year (So Far, Again)

2009-05-19T17:51:00.004-04:00

I know, I know, I've said all this before and it's still freakin' May, but I'd much rather hype this up than listen to people poo-poo the team's hot start as a mirage.

Let's not forget, the Jays weren't this good this late into the season even when they won back-to-back World Series. You have to go back to 1985 (McFly!) when the Jays won their first AL East division title for a start this hot.

Worst case scenario the Jays will still be in first if they get swept, but winning two of three would increase their lead to 4 1/2 games and put the fear of the Lord (aka Roy Halladay) into Boston and the rest of the East.

The Red Sox send Dirty Tim Wakefield to the mound tonight, which is not great since that dude can mess an offense up for an entire series. But the Jays have a few tricks up their sleeve as well; with Brian Tallet, Brett Cecil and Robert Ray, three guys the Red Sox haven't seen much of (in Tallet's case) or at all.

LET'S GO TO-RAHN-TO! OW-AH TEAM ERA IS BETTAH THAN YO-AH TEAM ERA! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Transformers: Where Amazing Happens

2009-05-17T01:11:00.001-04:00

Halladay vs. Burnett: The Game of the Year (so far)

2009-05-12T16:44:00.005-04:00

There's no reason to hype this game any further than it has been already, but it's without question the most important game of the Jays' season up to this point.

The rest of the baseball world (and who are we kidding, most of Toronto as well) still isn't sold on this team being for real, but the opportunity to prove just that is at the Jays' door.

The subplot is of course what the media has hyped as a mentor-versus-student pitching matchup in Roy Halladay vs. A.J. Burnett.

I'm not sure what it says about Burnett that in his 11th year in the big leagues, he claims to have learned more from Halladay than anyone else (Brad Arnsberg is sobbing softly in a corner of the Jays clubhouse right now) given that he had seven successful (albeit injury-filled) season before coming to Toronto and meeting Halladay.

What this does confirm, however, is that anyone who actually knows pitching knows that Roy Halladay is the best pitcher in the American League, if not the majors. I've heard Derek Jeter and Joe Torre echo that sentiment every time the Yankees face
him (Doc is 15-5 with a sub-3 ERA and two shutouts vs. New York in his career, so they know all about how nasty he can be).

Meanwhile Burnett might need to pick Doc's brain a little more, as his numbers so far this year aren't exactly Halladay-esque; he's sporting an ERA well over 5 through six starts.

And if any team knows how A.J. pitches, it's the Jays.

The offense teeing off on Burnett combined with a vintage Doc performance will not only evoke a bunch of lame student-master Star Wars bullcrap moments, but also send a huge statement to the rest of the American League that the Jays aren't going anywhere.

The atmosphere at the Dome should be at its highest in years, and I look forward to witnessing that in person, even if it means paying an extra three bucks for upper deck seats for a "Premium" game (I'll be going to sit in more expensive seats like I do every game anyway; I consider buying a 500 level ticket to be General Admission).

Halladay and the red-hot Jays! Burnett and the hated Yankees! Scores of fairweather drunk Jays fans! Almost as many upstate-New York loudmouth drunk Yankees fans!

Not having to listen to Jamie Campbell undoubtedly kill the mood with his buffoonery!

First pitch 7:07 PM! Let's get it on!

21-12

2009-05-09T21:43:00.003-04:00

WARNING: Multiple Rush references ahead. Read this post at your own risk.

The Jays scored early and often on Oakland, leaving A's starter Sean Gallagher in tears.

Adam Lind was clutch once again, teaching us all lessons in how to bring runners home (Lindsy's in the top 5 in the AL in RBIs, dontcha know).

Brian Tallet was stellar (side note: look at the guy, dude's probably a huge Rush fan), providing a nice passage to the bullpen.

Scott Downs was shaky for the first time all year, which made you wonder if we were in the twilight zone, but Downsy wriggled out of trouble.

It would have been nice to be in a position to sweep the A's, but you can't get something for nothing.

ATTENTION ALL TEAMS OF THE AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST
ATTENTION ALL TEAMS OF THE AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST
ATTENTION ALL TEAMS OF THE AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL

18-9 And Feelin' Fine

2009-05-03T16:33:00.005-04:00

Two more accomplishments in this early and unbelievable and unbelievably early 2009 Jays season:

- First series sweep; thanks Baltimore for settling who the worst team in the AL East will be, no matter what happens the rest of the way for the Jays.

- Responding when faced with real adversity; dropping three of four to the Royals could have sent the team into a tailspin, and instead they bounce back in a big way.

Plus Alex Rios and Vernon Wells went yard in the same game for the second time this season, which is already two more times than all of 2008.

And thanks to the Dome and its waterproof roof, the Jays won't be scrambling to make up rainouts later in the season, which can go a long way. That's rare praise for the Rogers Cavern but it's pretty much the only good thing you can say about it nowadays (that and cheap hot dog nights).

Up next are two at home against a struggling Cleveland club and then a five-game west coast roadie in L.A. and Oakland; three straight series against below .500 clubs.

This team could have 25 or even 30 (!) wins by Victoria Day. Wow.

Fan Up? More Like Fan Down

2009-04-27T23:23:00.004-04:00

Denver just beat New Orleans by 58 points (!) tying an NBA playoff record.

There's a hurricane joke in there somewhere, but I'm too Canadian to come up with one (or to post one, at least).

One word sums up this game (and it's not even really a word): turrible.

The Kansas City Royals Will Be The Death Of The Blue Jays

2009-04-27T22:41:00.005-04:00

First 1985, and now this.

Also, I'm on Twitter. You can follow the blog and other non-sports thoughts I occasionally have, which usually center around sandwiches. Anyway.

Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday!

2009-04-21T18:07:00.004-04:00

Blue Jays! Rangers! $5 tickets! $1 hot dogs! Halladay on the mound! No alcohol!

...Um, wait, that last one's not a good thing.

Anyway, see you at the game, which will be as dry as Chicago in the 20s (in that everyone was still drunk somehow).

"Swisher, Start Warming Up..."

2009-04-18T20:34:00.003-04:00

Bronx Bummer: Indians’ 14-run second dooms Yankees

"The fans started chanting 'We want Swisher!' for the second time in the series..."

"The 'We want Swisher!' chant returned when Hafner hit his fourth homer of the season in the eighth."

Wow. New Yankee Stadium is sure off to a fine start. Must have been that other Red Sox jersey in the foundation.

Oh, Sportsnet, This Is Why You're Terrible

2009-04-17T14:00:00.003-04:00

Sportsnet's Roger Millions Says Cock Sucker On Live Television

John Madden's Retirement Speech

2009-04-16T14:21:00.003-04:00

"When you've been a head coach in the National Football League for 12 years, a-a-a-and then you've been a broadcaster for 30 years, you put that together and BOOM! Tha-tha-that's over 40 years..."

*using telestrater for no reason*

"And then you see right over here, Brett Favre is thinking bootleg, and then WHAP! Bootleg! He-he-he-he-he's just a great player."

*eating turducken*

"Any time you can run the ball, set up the play action pass, score touchdowns, a-a-a-and then get defensive stops on the other end, y-y-y-you have a great chance to win the game."

*getting in giant bus*

*driving off into the sunset*

The Yankees' Bullpen Is A Disgrace To Major League Baseball

2009-04-14T00:30:00.005-04:00

Something pretty stinky will be coming back to the Bronx on Thursday, and it ain't the boat from Garbage Island.

The Yankees' pen has already given up 15 runs this season, highlighted by a 7-spot on Monday night in relief of Chien-Ming Wang en route to a 15-5 thumping at the hands of the American League Champion Rays.

(Wang was worse, surrendering eight runs in 1+ innings, raising his season ERA to a cool 28.93. It's never a good sign when your ERA is higher than your age).

And the one reliever who didn't allow a run? Well. he's their first baseman.

New York threw Nick fuckin' Swisher out there for the 8th, making him the first Yankees position player to pitch since Wade Boggs befuddled hitters with his knuckler back in 1997.

He wasn't terrible, either, allowing a hit and a walk on 22 pitches. And he even struck out a guy (Gabe Kapler, you should be ashamed of yourself).

It's really a travesty when you consider that the Yankees possess perhaps the best closer ever in Mariano Rivera. Outside of Rivera, New York has maybe one legitimate big-league reliever, lefty Damaso Marte, and he wasn't exactly stellar last season either.

Sure, they had a nice little run for a few games at the start there, going nine straight no-hit innings in games number two through four of the season, but I cannot believe that Brian Cashman and the Yankees' brass thought they could get away with having such a putrid pen.

Phil Coke? Jonathan Albaladejo? Makes you pine for Steve Howe, doesn't it?

Perhaps Swisher is the answer. They've been having difficulty getting him in the starting lineup every day anyway; it's killing two birds with one stone!

And look at that form!

I Wish I Could Quit You, Blue Jays

2009-04-11T13:45:00.008-04:00

OK, I'll admit it. The Jays are sucking me in.

This was supposed to be the year I wasn't going to be excited about the Blue Jays, the year I was going to refuse to believe they had any chance of being a good team.

This coming from a life-long Jays fan who once had his childhood bedroom covered from ceiling to floor to wall in Jays stuff (border, curtains, bedspread, posters).

But after watching Roy Halladay get out of a jam and the Jays scratch across three (live update, four) early runs against the Indians, I can't hold back any more...

The Toronto Blue Jays are for real!

I know it's only five and a half games into the season, but they've got the best record in the American League and lead the majors in runs with 37 (live update, 41), home runs, hits, doubles, and RBIs.

Future MVP Adam Lind leads the majors in RBIs with 11 (live update, 12) and is on pace for about 350 RBIs.

The starting pitching hasn't been as terrible as expected (we actually lead the league in Ks somehow), and perhaps the biggest surprise of all, they've actually had a couple of clutch/comeback wins already.

I'm sure by the end of the month I'll be singing a different tune, but for now the only song in my head goes a little something like this.

Victory Is Theirs (And Mine!)

2009-04-07T02:25:00.009-04:00

The Jays won their home opener easily over the Tigers (complete with drunk unruly fans...can't wait for cheap nights in the upper deck).

Speaking of Detroit teams losing...

UNC captured their 5th national championship in a game that was never close, dashing the hopes of the people of Michigan, who hoped a Spartans win would somehow fix the economy and keep American jobs from going to Mexico or something.

I guess my bracket wasn't a total disaster after all...at least I got the winner right.

And a special shout out to my boy The Undertaker, for beating Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 25 and keeping the undefeated streak alive.

Combine these big wins with my own personal victory (the details of which will remain my own nerdy little secret) and it's been a pretty good 24 hours for yours truly.

PS...Geddy Lee is the coolest man in the universe.

The shirt is great, but wait a minute, is that a Strong Bad hat?!? You, sir, are a king among men.

Baseball Is Back

2009-04-05T12:57:00.004-04:00

As of 8 PM Eastern tonight, nothing else matters.

Well, at least until those 10:30 Padres/Giants games in August.

Cutler To Da Bears

2009-04-02T17:44:00.003-04:00

Wow.

Denver gets two-first rounders and Kyle Orton from Chicago for Cutlerfucker, which seems like a pretty big haul.

The Bears' only decent receivers are Devin Hester and Rashied Davis, so you'd think they'd wanna upgrade that position now that they have an actual quarterback.

As for the Broncos, Brandon Marshall is not gonna be happy having Orton throw to him instead of Cutler. Maybe he goes ahead and gets suspended on purpose to stay away from this situation.

On top of all this, Cutler came out yesterday and said he didn't want to be traded after all.

Neckbeard! A ton of running backs! A rookie coach who has no clue what he's doing!

*booking the Chargers spot in the playoffs in April*

More Reasons To Be Excited About The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

2009-04-02T02:26:00.003-04:00

- The Jays will have two rookies in their rotation (Scott Richmond and Ricky Romero) for the first time in team history.

- Closer B.J. Ryan has totally lost his velocity and may totally lose his job. Perhaps he has Scott Downs Syndrome? (Shameless fantasy team name plug)

- The one other guy with recent closing experience (Jeremy Accardo) got sent down, so that we could keep Jason Frasor and Shawn Camp.

- The bench includes Kevin Millar and Michael Barrett.

Home opener is on Monday! Tickets are in all likelihood still available!

Bracket = Busted

2009-03-27T00:39:00.004-04:00

It's official. My bracket is done.

With Memphis losing the battle of the Tigers to Missouri, I can pretty much make kindling out of it and focus on watching some great basketball down the stretch.

Unless, UNLESS Mizzou beats UConn, in which case all bets are off, I suppose.

The fact that it's Mizzou makes it even worse. As a Texas fan, seeing a normally dirty Big 12 team (especially one from the Big 12 North) advance really stings.

Oh well, at least Duke lost.

Good luck to those of you still in it. If you need me, I'll be making a bonfire.

Happy Birthday! You're A Deadbeat Dad!

2009-03-24T14:19:00.005-04:00

And the 2008-2009 Toronto Raptors season hits rock bottom.

Raptor Bosh a deadbeat dad, lawsuit says

Raptors star Bosh says he'll 'take care of responsibilities'

This adds further weight to my belief that superstar athletes and celebrities should never get married.

The story also serves as the worst hangover ever, since it comes on the heels of Bosh's 25th birthday and a mega-party at Maro on Sunday night.

It's safe to say that the days of fun-loving, goofy Chris Bosh are over, and perhaps so are his days as a Raptor. Hard to have a deadbeat franchise player, unless you're the former Seattle Sonics with Shawn Kemp; I'm thinking they were just trying to set some kind of crazy record.

Well, That Sucked

2009-03-21T22:59:00.005-04:00

The Longhorns couldn't get it done against Duke, and the frustrating part is that they essentially beat themselves.

You don't win an NCAA tournament game (much less one against Duke) when:

1) You can't shoot free throws to save your life (16 of 25 on the night).
2) You turn the ball over a ton (15 to the Blue Devils' 9).
3) Your best clutch performer isn't clutch (17 PTS on 5 of 13 shooting for A.J. Abrams).

And even with all that, they had a chance to win at the end, but couldn't get a rebound after Duke missed two free throws. That just can't happen.

What's worse is I got every other game right today...except the Texas game. Makes it sting even more.

The only silver lining here is that Duke barely beat Texas, which means they'll get crushed by Villanova next round. Meh.

*listening to The Eyes of Texas*

*sobbing*

A Maddening End to Day 2

2009-03-21T00:51:00.009-04:00

Two overtime games to close out Friday night, upsets galore, plus a few busted brackets...that's the good stuff!

And kindly move over, WVU: you've got company on the shit list.

Florida State and Wake Forest were bounced in the first round, sending two more of my Sweet 16 teams home.

Many people had the Demon Deacons going much further (to the Final Four and beyond in some cases), so they're understandably more devastated than I am.

Next up, the round of 32. This weekend's games determine the Sweet 16 and pretty much dictate whether you've got a shot in hell at winning your office pool.

Until tomorrow, may your brackets remain merely dinged up, and may all your games be called by either Gus Johnson or Bill Raftery. TO THE TIN!

Cockbag Of The Week: The West Virginia Mountaineers

2009-03-20T19:09:00.004-04:00

Thanks to you clowns, I lost an Elite 8 team on Day 2.

That's right, hide your face in shame. Fuckos.

It's Not An Upset If Everybody Picks Them...

2009-03-20T01:54:00.007-04:00

...but a shout-out to Western Kentucky for the win over Illinois tonight. If your pool's like ours, that means a big seven points (the difference in their seeding) as opposed to just one for picking the favourite.

Sadly almost everyone had the Hilltoppers topping the not-so-Fightin' Illini, so it won't be as huge a pickup as it would be otherwise.

And of course, kudos to Texas for Gopher-stomping Tubby and Minnesota.

I'll take my 12-4 Day 1 record and hope for at least the same amount of success tomorrow, if not more (I'm looking at you, USC, Arizona, and Temple).

And we got Gus tomorrow!

Midway through Day 1 of the Madness...

2009-03-19T18:37:00.005-04:00

And I'm not totally out of it yet! (Though Cal St. Northridge tried to make that happen.)

Just two missteps so far: The Butler did it (if by "did it" you mean let me down again) and Mississippi State (never trusting those hillbillies again).

Hoping my Longhorns don't embarrass me by going out to Tubby & the Gophers tonight.

The dudes who make the NCAA schedule are to be commended for leaving the two best upset candidate games for last (UCLA/VCU & Illinois/Western Kentucky).

It's gonna get crazy around The Score studios come 9:50 PM!

Madness (n): the state of being mad; insanity.

2009-03-16T13:58:00.006-04:00

*crumpling up paper, filling out bracket for 87th time*

*looking up*

Oh, hey, Didn't see you there.

So, you may have heard there's this big basketball tournament starting this week. And the rumour is that it gets a little crazy. MAD, even.

This is the one time of the year where pro sports takes a back-seat to the college game, and with good reason.

It's arguably the most exciting few weeks of the sports calendar year and certainly the best time to be working at The Score; we have exclusive Canadian rights, we hype the hell out of it, and deservedly so.

So unless something monumental happens in the Big 4 pro sports scene, don't expect to read anything non-March Madness related till about April. Deal with it.

As for predictions? Well, as communicated above, I really have no idea. This projects to be one of the most unpredictable tourneys in NCAA history, and it's anyone's guess as to who will come out of it.

I do have one admittedly biased pick for you: Texas will beat Minnesota, and then beat Duke. Why? Because fuck Duke, that's why.

Also, what other team's cheerleaders wear chaps? Answer: none.

Enjoy the Madness, hope your brackets don't get busted and good luck in your pools.

Ready For March Madness Yet?

2009-03-13T01:22:00.005-04:00

Syracuse beat UConn tonight 127-117 in SIX OVERTIMES (!) to advance to the semis in the Big East tournament.

Remarkably the Orange never led in any of the overtimes until the final one. Jeez.

The game lasted almost four hours, or to put it another way, about as long as an average West Coast baseball game (anybody who's had to wait for a 10 PM Giants/Padres game to end knows what I'm talking about).

It's the longest game in Big East history and the second longest Division I game ever.

Imagine if this happened in the actual tournament? How would you top that?

And Syracuse has to play tomorrow/later tonight!

*channelling Gus Johnson*

College basketball! THIS is March Madness!

Papelboner

2009-03-12T14:58:00.004-04:00

Jonathan Papelbon: Awesome! I'm doing an interview for Esquire! I am FIRED UP!!!

*doing Riverdance in seat*

Esquire: OK, Jon, thanks for doing this.

JP: No problem! I'm always looking for something to do during the offseason. I get so bored! I constantly need an outlet to release my RAGE!

E: Uh, right. Anyway, let's talk about Manny Ramirez. What was it...

JP: Hold on a sec.

*pointing at dog*

Boss! No! Put down that baseball! Stop eating championship baseballs! Bad dog!

I'm sorry, where were we?

E: I was asking about Manny. Were his antics overblown, or was he a real problem in the clubhouse?

JP: Ah Manny! He was on a different train!

*banging on kitchen table for emphasis*

For him not to be on the same page as the rest of the team was a killer, man! It’s like cancer. That’s what he was. Cancer. He had to go.

E: Wait. Are you comparing Manny Ramirez to cancer?

JP: Yeah man! We got Jason Bay — Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball — and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome!

E: Hold on a sec. Are you sure you want to use the word "cancer"? You're aware that a teammate of yours, Jon Lester, recently beat cancer?

JP: Whatever man! If Lester has a problem, he can come talk to me! I’ll tell him what’s up! I’m not afraid to do that. I’m not afraid to put him in his place, because I think everybody needs that. I understand that. I most certainly understand that. Varitek tells me all the time, 'Just shut up. Do what you’re supposed to do.'

E: Perhaps you should heed that advice. Anyway, if you're not comfortable with us printing that, we can skip it...

JP: No! Print that! I want you to! Also, print this: "I will never start a baseball game in my life, ever." And use that slanty type, to show that I'm really serious!

E: You mean italics?

JP: Yeah! That's it! And use lots of exclamation points in my quotes! Cause that's how I talk! With lots of exclamation!

E: Well, we really don't use exclamation points in journalism all that much...

JP: Come on, magazine man! Use em! That's why you magazine guys are losing your shirts! You're not fired up when you write, like I am when I pitch!

E: Fair enough.

JP: We done here? I gotta go duck hunting. Love duck hunting!

E: Um, yeah, OK. I think we've got enough here. Thanks again, Jonathan.

JP: Anytime! See you in the World Series, baby! Let's go, Boss, we got some ducks to shoot! Yeah!!!

*runs through screen door*

*two months later, Esquire HQ*

E: (to editor) Oh, and make sure you print that part about cancer. With lots of exclamation points.

Get Your Popcorn Ready, Buffalo

2009-03-07T18:21:00.003-05:00

Terrell Owens is a Bill

WTF Is Going On With The Golden State Warriors?

2009-03-07T15:57:00.008-05:00

Something is fishy in Oakland, and it's not the smell off the Bay.

Last night Warriors head coach/crazy old coot Don Nelson sat regular starters Stephen Jackson, Corey Maggette and Andris Biedrins, citing various injuries.

One problem: all three players were healthy enough to play on Wednesday.

Last night's starting lineup vs. the Pistons looked like this:

G Jamal Crawford
G Marco Belinelli
F Anthony Randolph
F Rob Kurz
C Ronny Turiaf

Gross. Almost as gross as that picture.

Anyway, the Warriors had just three dudes available off the bench (C.J. Watson, Anthony Morrow, and Jermareo Davidson). Not surprisingly, Detroit beat them easily. Sure the Pistons are hot right now, but it's not like they were facing the best possible lineup that G-State could have put out there.

Now there's controversy surrounding Crawford, arguably the only legitimate Friday starter. Crawford was apparently told by Nelson that if he doesn't opt out of his contract at the end of the year, that he would be traded.

Nelson also told Crawford that he would be benched for a few games in order to keep his statistics high.

Um, thanks?

When you add in that Monta Ellis has basically given up on the team and didn't even show up for the team photo, it makes for a pretty rotten team environment.

Nelson's defense is that he's trying to give the young guys a chance to play, but it's hard to believe him given what's been coming out in the press.

Aren't we getting to the point where the league has to step in and investigate this?

The NBA might be known for poorly-disguised tank jobs better than any other league, but this is ridiculous.

And what kind of player is Nelson looking for? There's no question he's put out more starting lineups than any other NBA coach this season. He's also used and disposed of three different starting point guards, and even deployed Stephen Jackson as a point-forward.

Perhaps he's searching for...the Ulllllllltimate Warrior!

*cue the entrance music*

The Pantheon of Raptors With Hilarious Names...

2009-03-06T13:48:00.006-05:00

...just got a new addition. The Raptors have signed British native Pops Mensah-Bonsu to a contract for the rest of the season.

The question you should be asking yourselves is not "Where does this dude fit in to the Raptors' plans?", but "Where does this dude's name fit into The Pantheon of Raptors With Hilarious Names?"

Let's find out...

15) Maceo Baston - It just screams "total scrub". What's in a name? In Baston's case, everything.

14) Kornel David - Sounds like the leader of a cult.

13) Acie Earl - Would have fit in nicely on the Flint Tropics.

12) Zendon Hamilton - This dude failed to reach the minimum score on the SAT nine times. NINE times! To be fair, no rocket scientists are ever named "Zendon".

11) Voshon Lenard - Probably the only man in the history of the universe to be named "Voshon". Seriously, Google that shit.

10) Lindsey Hunter/Tracy McGrady/Tracy Murray/Sharone Wright/Andrea Bargnani - The Pantheon's Wing for Dudes with Girls' Names.

9) Popeye Jones - Dude looked like an alien. Must have been all the spinach.

8) and 7) Pops Mensah-Bonsu/Pape Sow - The Raptors have the market cornered on guys with Pop in their name.

6) Mamadou N'Diaye - 3 Pops and a Mama. We're a goddamn 1960s folk group!

5) Roko Ukić/Uroš Slokar/Primož Brežeć/Rasho Nesterovič/Alex Radojević/Žan Tabak - That's a lot of funny-looking accents!

4) Jamario Moon - A cross between a Harlem Globetrotter and a Nintendo character.

3) Mengke Bateer - The only Chinese-born player in Raptor history. His name in Mongolian means "Eternal Hero." In English, it means the exact opposite.

2) Muggsy Bogues - A name with serious mob potential. Say hello to my little friend, indeed.

Aaaaaand number 1...

Haywoode Workman - The Haywoode Jablome jokes are classic. And he went to Oral Roberts! It writes itself.

Special mention goes to Patrick O'Bryant for having the most Irish sounding name for a 7-foot black guy.

Paging Hank Scorpio

2009-03-02T12:50:00.004-05:00

Homer : Aww...the Denver Broncos?!?
Marge : I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer : Yeah, yeah.
Marge : Well, explain to me why it isn't.
Homer : You just don't understand football, Marge.

***

When the dictionary people get around to editing the entry of "tumultuous", they're gonna need to put "The Denver Broncos' 2009 offseason" as an alternate definition.

Let's go on a little journey, shall we?

First, they had a complete coaching overhaul for the first time since Gangsta's Paradise was a #1 hit. A bit surprising, but you could argue that it was time for a change.

Then new coach Josh McDaniels started rebuilding one of the worst defensive units in the league, adding Brian Dawkins, Renaldo Hill and Andre' Goodman. So far, so good.

McDaniels also channeled his inner Shanahan by signing a couple of not-so-great running backs in Correll Buckhalter and J.J. Arrington. Given the "revolving door leading to the infirmary room" situation that was the Denver running game in 2008, probably not a bad plan. You gotta believe that the new coach won't treat his tailbacks like James Bond treats women (ie. like things) and that one guy will emerge as the feature back come Week 1.

OK, so we're good, right? Except for one problem. Okay, two problems.

One, you totally pissed off your starting QB.

Apparently McDaniels, being an ex-Patriot (expatriate?), wanted to implement his offensive system, and so he decided to go after his system quarterback, one Matt Cassel.

And so in the most publicly made quarterback news this side of Brett Favre, Denver tried to ship Jay Cutler to Tampa Bay in a three-way deal that would have brought Cassel to the Mile High City. They even thought about trading Cutler to (gasp!) the Detroit Lions (!) for draft picks.

Cutler, being kind of an emo kid, took the news badly. He's not speaking to the team, and you really can't blame him. Dude had a Pro Bowl year while dealing with diabetes, and they want to ditch you for a dude who knows the playbook? That's cold blooded.

The second issue? Oh yeah, your star wide receiver who said he'd never get in trouble again...got in trouble again.

After getting his 2008 suspension reduced from three games to one with the explicit instructions that he turn his life around and stay out of hot water, Brandon Marshall was arrested for disorderly conduct early Sunday morning, after allegedly getting into a tiff with his fiancé. Good times!

The charges were dropped today, but the NFL doesn't need convictions to suspend a player (which sounds a little Guantanamo Bay to me, but whatever) so it's possible that Marshall will miss a significant portion of the 2009 season.

Enjoy your first season as an NFL head coach, Josh! College football awaits!

The Pittsburgh Pirates Will Apparently Make The World Series

2009-02-23T13:38:00.009-05:00

...because Eric Hinske is on the team, and Hinske has been to the last two World Series.

This story made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Can Hinske bring his magic to young Pirates?

By "magic", do you mean his .250 AVG and 15 HR a year?

Check out some of the lines in this Hinske puff piece:

"Hinske has become a human good-luck charm."

"Rays manager Joe Maddon has said Hinske’s calming influence and advice were crucial to [Evan] Longoria’s sudden impact."

"Eric gives us a guy who can talk about what it’s like to play on a winner, what it takes to prepare to be a winner. We can’t depend solely on him, but he can be important to us."

"Good clubs have veterans such as Hinske, who know when is the right time to whisper encouragement in a tough time or get on a teammate for a bone-headed play."

"Hinske was the club’s biggest offseason player acquisition."

This is Eric Fucking Hinske we're talking about here! This is the guy who made the final out of the 2008 Series. This is the guy who has been absolute garbage since his Rookie of the Year campaign with the Jays.

And all of a sudden he's some fucking guru?

Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

No wonder the Pirates' franchise is a mess: their talent gauge is busted.

The A-Rod Steroid Scandal Finally Hits Home

2009-02-20T15:10:00.006-05:00

From the New York Daily News:

"In addition to A-Rod, Presinal has worked with some of the game's biggest stars: Juan Gonzalez, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, Vladimir Guerrero, Bartolo Colon, Miguel Tejada, Adrian Beltre, Moises Alou, Jose Guillen, Ervin Santana, Ruben Sierra, Francisco Cordero, Jose Mesa and Juan Guzman, among others."

The Jheri Curl was on steroids?!? My life no longer makes sense.

Mon Dieu!

2009-02-20T04:42:00.004-05:00

Huge Off-Ice Story Expected To Break Friday Morning

...en francais

Oh Shaq, You So Crazy...

2009-02-16T00:03:00.005-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hNtnfJYiA

Nats Get 'Er Dunn

2009-02-11T16:07:00.006-05:00

The Washington Nationals finally pulled the trigger (or the other side finally surrendered) and signed slugger Adam Dunn to a two-year deal reportedly worth $20 million.

Dunn fills a huge hole in the Nats lineup, which actually doesn't look too bad now, with the addition of Josh Willingham and the possible emergence of Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes.

It's no secret to those who know me or used to read my now-defunct blog on TheScore.com (back when baseball was at least a blip on our radar) that I have a soft spot for The Big Donkey.

I have his Cincinnati Reds jersey. I would have gone into cardiac arrest if the Jays had signed him (thanks for fucking that up, J.P.) and he's one of my keepers in my upcoming fantasy baseball league.

I wrote a piece suggesting we should all live our lives the way Adam Dunn plays baseball; you either hit a home run, you strike out, or you take a walk.

I even went so far as to start the Church of Adam Dunn (Members to date: 2; me, and Nats GM Jim Bowden)

Dunn has his critics, but the Nats clearly needed some left-handed power in their lineup, and he will provide that in spades.

Plus Nationals Park is much more favourable to hitters than RFK was, so there's no indication that Dunn's numbers will drop off at all.

I'll go ahead and pencil in another 40/100 season for Dunn on the as-yet-to-be-named 2009 fantasy team (I'm leaning towards The Spoljarichaholics).

And in other news, apparently Robbie Alomar has AIDS. All fans of Khaki Snack should probably urge Dave Messer to go get tested. (inside joke)

***BREAKING NEWS*** The Jays just signed Kevin Millar. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Jays Have Crazy Bush

2009-02-10T18:16:00.004-05:00

Apparently the Jays couldn't go too long without a little Bush in their lives.

They've acquired shortstop-turned-pitcher-turned-violent-douchebag Matt Bush from the Padres for a bag of balls (aka Dirk Hayhurst).

And what a pedigree this kid has!

"Two weeks after he was drafted, Bush was suspended indefinitely by the Padres after he was arrested at a bar across the street from the team’s complex in Peoria, Ariz. Among the charges were underage drinking and that he bit one of the bouncers who tried to escort him out of the bar."

Oh, and then there's this.

Apparently this is how desperate the Jays are for pitching; trading for flameout #1 picks (while at the same time jettisoning our own failed first-rounders).

Anyway, please distract yourself with this ode to Crazy Bush, performed by two of the greatest Toronto-area entertainers of this generation:

"Crazy bush never hurt anybody, it only brought people together."

A-ROID

2009-02-07T11:16:00.005-05:00

SI.com - Sources tell SI Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003

Fan reaction here.

A Great Weekend For Smokers Everywhere

2009-02-02T13:26:00.009-05:00

Enjoy this, you guys. You'll never have a better couple of days.

First eleventy-billion-time gold medal winner Michael Phelps is caught on camera testing the limits of his lung capacity (which must be HUGE).

Then Steelers wideout and well-known pot head Santonio Holmes wins Super Bowl MVP.

And after the game, what did a bunch of Steelers do? You guessed it...

Smoke em if you got em, folks.

The Second of Many Depressing Reads About The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

2009-01-29T03:23:00.005-05:00

Here we go again...

Hot Stove Helper: Blue Jays take the winter off (Can fans take the season off?)

We're mostly here to discuss ownable fantasy players who've found new employers, and in the case of the Blue Jays below, well … we'll make something up to write about. (Wow, we're not even into the actual body of the story yet, and that's two negatives..not a good sign.)

Be honest, if we skipped the Toronto HSH, would you have noticed? This could be the shortest Helper in history, friends, let's establish that up front. (Good. Wouldn't want to waste anyone's time.)

There's not a lot of news coming from Blue Jay Way (they're the only AL club that didn't sign a major-league free agent) (Hold on...what? Really? Jesus fuck.)

[Jose Bautista will] probably steal 300 at-bats somewhere along the way, hit 10-12 homers, hit under .250, and never be owned by anyone in your mixed league. (Can't wait!)

Michael Barrett signs a minor-league contract...please forward your fan mail accordingly. (You know what? I like Barrett. Why? Because he's not Gregg Goddamn Zaun.)

The Cardinals weren't impressed with [Matt] Clement's limited work in the minors last year and made no effort to keep him, a telling sign. This might be our last Clement note of the season, so make the most of it. (I don't know. Have you seen our other rotation options? Clement at least has a decent shot to crack the starting five. Plus he's back with pitching coach Brad Arnsberg, and they were good together in Florida 8 years ago, right? Wait, they weren't? Shit.)

Jason Bartlett's name floated around. (It did? Good God.)

I looked high and low for a posted over/under on the Jays and I couldn't find anything yet; I'll be shocked if anyone expects them to win 86 games again.

Order your season tickets now! You'll wanna get priority for postseason tickets!

Cockbag Of The Week: A.J. Smith

2009-01-23T15:50:00.004-05:00

What would a Chargers offseason be without a little controversy?

And as usual, it's cockbag GM A.J. Smith running his mouth, but this time he may have gone too far.

He openly mocked LaDainian Tomlinson's statements that he has no intentions of leaving San Diego, mimicking his quote like an 8-year-old girl.

Everyone is ready to write off LT because he's approaching 30, the running back best-before date, but if he can be convinced to take a pay cut, you gotta believe he's got another year in him, at the very least to prove all his doubters wrong.

But with the way Smith is cutting him down, it's getting harder by the day to think LT is gonna come back to San Diego, which leaves the RB situation cloudy at best.

Darren "Tiny Jesus" Sproles is a superball but there are concerns he may not be able to carry the load full time. Plus he's likely to get big-money offers elsewhere, and might not want to stick around given what's happening with LT. And Jacob Hester may not be ready to step into the super backup role that Sproles and Michael Turner occupied previously.

You have to remember, LaDainian Tomlinson is the best thing to ever happen to the San Diego Chargers franchise. He is the face of the team, and is maybe the best back of his generation.

So for Smith to treat him like he's expired meat is both unfair and extremely unwise.

Eventually Smith's douchebaggery will get the best of him, and you have to wonder if the Chargers hadn't made a late-season surge to make the playoffs, maybe the blame would be falling elsewhere.

One way or another, Smith will get his comeuppance. And if it takes a 1500 yard season from LT in another uniform, then so be it.

So Long, Jeff Kent

2009-01-21T15:29:00.014-05:00

Baseball fans should remember Jeff Kent as the greatest second baseman of his generation, and perhaps of all time.

But he will also go down in MLB history as one of the game's all-time cockbags.

Here's a quick summary of Kent's most infamous moments:

- He insulted legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully.

- He donated money to help pass anti-gay marriage bill Proposition 8.

- He defended his a-hole title against top contender and then-teammate Barry Bonds.

- He allegedly broke his wrist "washing his truck".

- And according to Milton Bradley (not exactly the most trustworthy source, I know), he's a racist.

Blue Jays fans will remember Kent as the dude we traded to get David Cone, who helped bring the Jays their first World Series in 1992 (Kent was later given a World Series ring, which further underscores that point).

Kent deserves to be in the Hall of Fame and will probably get in eventually. He'll have more competition trying to crack the list of all-time jerks in sports (I already mentioned two top contenders: Bonds and Bradley).

Enjoy your retirement, Jeff...I have a feeling it won't be the last we hear from you.

A List of Pitchers Worse Than Cole Hamels Making More Than Cole Hamels

2009-01-17T15:37:00.007-05:00

(Hamels' average salary: $6.83 million)

Barry Zito ($18 million)
A.J. Burnett ($16.5 million)
Jason Schmidt ($15.6 million)
Derek Lowe ($15 million)
Ryan Dempster ($13 million)
Bronson Arroyo ($12.5 million)
Carlos Silva ($12 million)
Kevin Millwood ($12 million)
Hiroki Kuroda ($11.76 million)
Javier Vazquez ($11.5 million)
Vicente Padilla ($11.25 million)
Gil Meche ($11 million)
Jeff Suppan ($10.5 million)
Kyle Lohse ($10.25 million)
Aaron Cook ($10 million)
Ted Lilly ($10 million)
Dontrelle Willis ($9.6 million)
Jose Contreras ($9.6 million)
Jeremy Bonderman ($9.5 million)
Jarrod Washburn ($9.375 million)
Brett Myers ($8.58 million)
Miguel Batista ($8.33 million)
Adam Eaton ($8.17 million)
Kenshin Kawakami (Who?) ($7.6 million)
Doug Davis ($7.33 million)
Nate Robertson ($7.08 million)
Jason Marquis ($7 million)

Look, I get that he was making $500 K last year, but come on. He signs a multi-year deal, and he's still not the highest-paid starter on his own team? Adam fucking Eaton?!? Wow.

This doesn't just make NO sense, it makes NEGATIVE sense. Other things now make a little more sense, to balance this out.

I Picked Up Chicks With Andrea Bargnani

2009-01-17T11:19:00.005-05:00

OK, not really. It was a dream I had last night.

After another Raptors defeat (that's reality), Bryan Colangelo uncharacteristically lost his temper and starting setting the room on fire (incidentally that room was the party room in my apartment for some reason).

Everyone starts freaking out, Bargnani and I bolt to the elevator and get out of the building.

I guess Bargs wanted to take his mind off things, so the next thing I know we're at a poolside bar/restaurant with a bunch of girls.

He found one he liked and took off with her; must be real tough to find women when you're a 7 foot tall Italian basketball player. *cough*

Anyway, nice to have a dream that doesn't involve me getting shot or something, though I suppose I should be distressed that I'm dreaming about dudes.

I will say this; based on the way things went, being Andrea's wingman would be pretty awesome.